The File Cabinet
by Naheka and Joe the Nazgul
Summary: Mary-Sues and Dragon Lords, Elvish blood and countless wars, Twelve Authors and mad OCs, Bloody deaths! Fire breathers! Rocks thrown at the Mary-Sues, Intrigue, danger, no romance, eccentric fights, the creamery, and the electricity!
1. The Typical Morning

**Disclaimer: Fanfiction.net is obviously not mine, and neither is  The Lord of the Rings, which belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.  
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**Author's Note:**  
  
This is technically my own and original idea. I have not taken it off anyone, nor extracted it from a written or published composition. It has been encouraged by a few, including myself, so I am confident that this is not a completely stupid and pathetic idea.   
  
Hope you enjoy this! But I'm going to keep writing it whether anyone likes it or not!  
  
_ -Naheka_  
  


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My right eye twitched irratatedly with utter annoyance as I listened to Tasha rant about some random crazy anime saga. In realization of my obvious resistance to anything that had to do with robots and outer space, driven by a lovesick hero or whatever, she silenced herself and slumped in her chair. The bus jolted slightly as it came to a rough stop in front of someone's house. As the doors slid open, a girl with short crimson hair walked on board. Dark mascara and ruby-red lipstick was plastered on her powdery white skin. Black six-inch platform shoes covered her feet, accompanied by a hiked-up scarlet plaid skirt and a black, tight, spandex-like shirt on her torso bore the message: "LEGOLAS IZ MYN, SO F**K OFF!"   
  
Half of the bus raised an eyebrow at her. She took a seat at the front of the bus as she popped a tart of pink gum into her mouth. Who in this world would know that this would be a very _normal _day today, for she would be going to Middle-earth. So--what? You think it _ wouldn't_ be normal to go to Middle-earth? Ridiculous! I go there every day! You're _surprised?_ That's odd. Don't you go to Middle-earth everyday? You're in Middle-earth right now! Oh. I see. You've misunderstood.   
  
I am a paid and registered employee at the Fanfiction.net Headquarters. Where is it? Right here! I work at Fanfiction.net as none other than a writer. My compositions are definitely not as good as others, but at Fanfiction.net, all kinds of writers are accepted. The only problem is that certain types of literature are illegal now. That would include the actor fics, question fics, polls, and a couple other pieces here and there.   
  
Myself and millions of other fellow writers come into work here everyday; twenty-four seven. The Fanfiction.net Headquarters, or simply the FFNH, is an enormous campus, considering the fact that there are many employees here. There are two bases: The Fanfiction, Base I; and The Original Fiction, Base II. Within each base are separate facilities. For example, Base I is divided into Anime, Books, Cartoons, Games, etceteras, etceteras. And even after that it is broken into the different buildings, which contain the individual fan categories. The Lord of the Rings , written by J.R.R. Tolkien, in the Books Facilities should be your current location. Specific address? I;202;382;R1. R1 is for row one. That means that you should be on the first page of the LOTR fanfiction. If you aren't, then the address should change.  
  
In addition to all this business information, FFNH has the materials that a writer needs. After checking in, registered authors can get to their workstations at the Directory Gate (left of the south-east corner of BaseI). Each author has his or her own air-conditioned office room. A tall file cabinet is necessary for storing all Original Creations. A free lock or chain with every storage cabinet you purchase... just to be safe.   
  
FFNH has a health room. Stop by there if you accidentally get pulverized by the orc herd that tends to march in on you randomly. They also carry a wide variety of multiple remedies that will attempt to cure Deprivus Ideanious, a.k.a.- Writer's Block. Other than light mallets for head whapping, (which I find is a quite successful medicine... at times) gardens and lovely flourishing walkways are available at all times to inspire ideas for romance and such. There are also craggy abysses and landscapes to shake out the feelings of depression, angst, and utter terror and suffering for the other categories. A very clean cafeteria provides sodas and candies, obviously providing material for the humor and parody genres!  
  
But with such a huge campus, how can authors like us get to different sections without collapsing to death of walking a good one-hundred miles to go next door? That's where the bus comes in handy!  
  
"Ow!" I seethed through gritted teeth as Tasha's head came knocking into mine at the final halt of the bus, "I hate it when that happens."  
  
We waited for the front half of the bus to step off and line up at the Directory Gate. Soon, we had taken our steps off the bus, and after everyone else had come off, the vehicle suddenly disappeared with a flash of white and a gun-shot bang. Tasha jumped into me again, causing both of us to wobble out of balance, then topple over to the floor. Our fellow authors were careful enough to take one large step to the side.  
  
"I hate it when that happens too..." I mumbled, roughly bucking Tasha off my back and taking a swift step to rise. My friend lay there on the cement with a hyperly dazed look on her face. It took a few blinks of confusion to realize that people were staring at us.  
  
"Stooge," I finished as I shook my head and walked up to the Login Counter. Tasha skipped after me.  
  
"I'm not a stooge!" she whimpered, peering curiously over my shoulder to witness my hand reach for my wallet in my pocket, "I'm just hyper and ignorant! And _Jackie_ is Stooge. I'm Stupid. And _you're _Moron! And Meggy is _Weirdo!_"  
  
I continued to scrummage around the pockets of my wallet, looking for my Login ID. After remembering that my ID was actually waiting for me in the most obvious place of my wallet; the ID pocket, I slipped it out and inserted it into the Login slot.  
  
All registered Authors will receive an ID card after they have applied to the job. It states your penname, your number, total stories written, latest updates, your address, and a short biography of yourself. If an author decides to change his or her ID information, then they have to get to their office building and send in the correct changes to the FFNH Administration Office.  
  
"Welcome: Naheka and Joe the Nazgul," came the electronic voice out the the Login Counter, "Would you be interested in---"  
  
"No," I replied before the advertisement could keep explaining, "I would not be interested in a cheap piece of merchandise that is sold for fifty times its worth. No-thank-you very much!" I passed through the Directory Gate and bid a farewell Stupid before hopping onto another bus that lead to I;202;382;R1.   
  
  
  
Everything was going beautifully for me for the first five minutes when I had arrived at I;202;382;R1. I had picked up a mug of hot chocolate to warm my morning and decided to sit down at a white stone bench in the south-west garden. Elegant ivory fountains, surrounded by the golden Elanor and silver Niphredil rested in the left corner of my eye. Athelas sprouted along the cobbled walkway and flowed out into the following valley like a river in its current. Tindomerels chirped in the trees behind me. I could see a blue sky above my head with a stream of white wispy clouds.  
  
Pure tranquility and peace.... A pleasant fiction not for long.  
  
"Attention all Registered Fiction Authors of 382," announced an elderly woman's voice out of a speaker from nowhere, "Attention all Registered Fiction Authors of 382. We have two Original Creations corrupting the peace by sparring in the northern plaza. A female in her late tweens, early twenties; and a male in his late thirties to mid-forties. Both dark hair and disturbingly evil green eyes. If they are of your creation, please come by and restrain them before they destroy the thousand dollar statue--oh! Too late! They already did!"  
  
"Oh my, Eru," I sighed woefully. These had to be my characters. Who else would start a fight in the north plaza? The north plaza held priceless pottery and other pieces of artwork in a neat row of display cases. It was a sort of gallery, except it opened to the sky, making it partially outside, and without the safety railings and precautions. Safety glass cases to protect the displays, for example.  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
_Smash!...Tink... tink... crash!_  
  
"Why! Don't! You! Just! Stop! Picking! On! Me!"  
  
Sparks between clashing blades bounced to the floor.  
  
"I'm not picking on you! I'm trying to _kill _you!"  
  
"Then stop it!"  
  
"I will once you're_ dead_!"  
  
Onikunshu Ryunarasu was definitely not the best person in the universe to mess with. A shape shifter that could change from a human to a dragon, he was the almighty supreme lord of the Ryunarasu Clan, which was a family that had dedicated its traditions to becoming bounty hunters. His pale skin was clad in flowing robes of black fabric, and the shadows of his face could not hide the blazing emerald green of his eyes. His eldest daughter, who resentfully, hatefully, and disgracefully shared my penname, Naheka, had very similar features on her darker, yet still slightly pale skin. But her steps in her leather boots were much lighter and quicker than her father's, who kept a firm grip on the earth.   
  
Both characters were excellent fighters, or to be more precise, assassins; skilled with the double-ended spears they wielded. This was made the obvious as NahekaOC performed a back-flip and landed with a split just in time to block a strike from her opponent. Onikunshu did a bluff jab before cutting at her head. She sprung up on her legs and ducked a half centimeter under it. He almost had her that time. With a parry and a clever trip, she almost got him flat on the floor, until Onikunshu used one end of his weapon to rebound himself off the ground before he fell. The battle continued on.  
  
"Why are dey fighting anyway?" asked Aremis through a bite of a shiny red apple. She was NahekaOC's only daughter, thus another creation of mine. "I don't undershtand. What'sh the point of revenge," she swallowed her mouthful, "If this is the AU world? Plots and conflicts shouldn't matter! ...You want the rest?" she added to her twelve-year-old brother who sat beside her. She held the half eaten fruit in front of his face.  
  
This was Aldarion, a _special_ youth that was supposed to be _destined_ to _save_ the_ world_ from _doom_ and_ destruction_ because he was_ The Chosen One_... chosen by some-mystical-person-of-whos-identity-I-do-not-know. His long dark auburn hair was tied together in a low ponytail, just as it had always been, and his eyes were the same shade that of his mother's... and grandfather's. Aldarion's features greatly contrasted to Aremis', who had long golden hair, pointy ears, and eyes of clear sapphire. Obviously inherited from her father---  
  
"That stupid elf!" roared Onikunshu, "If it weren't for that lousy blonde _scum_, you wouldn't be so disobedient! Thanks to him, I have to destroy you!"  
  
"Not if I destroy you first!" retorted NahekaOC. She shifted to the side in order to avoid her blade from colliding into a fellow OC that was passing by. She shrieked a very feminine screech before cowardly dashing off to find her lover that would protect her, rouge hair flying off in the wind behind her... which was really weird because there is no wind in the enclosed northern plaza.  
  
Aldarion shook his head in refusal of his sister's eaten apple. But another fruit was offered to him from his left, this one three-quarters eaten.  
  
"Do you want mine?" inquired a lovely female elven voice. Elvea blinked her radiant mahogany eyes tenderly at Aldarion, gracefully brushing a ringlet of dark raven hair out of her gently pale face. Her loving stare quickly turned into a seductive gaze as Aldarion froze in his position, too terrified to move.  
  
Aremis tossed her apple over her shoulder where it unpleasantly crashed through a fragile display case. She ignored it and said to her brother: "Now's your cue."  
  
Aldarion blinked. Then he turned to look back at Elvea, who was scooting closer to him. Aremis was right. It was his cue. Aldarion screamed.  
  
"Nooo! Get away from me! I don't like you!"  
  
Elvea chased after her first love as he jumped from his seat and began running away like a madman. Whatever obstacle he leaped over, she ducked under. Whatever barrier he went around, she broke through.   
  
Meanwhile, Onikunshu and NahekaOC, once realizing that they weren't the ones being watched anymore, had put their weapons aside and were drinking green tea as they sat on a nearby wooden bench, talking like a caring father and loving daughter.  
  
"And I remember our first meeting so clearly," said daughter in a happy reminiscent tone, "I insulted him three times in one sentence! Oh, how precious it was to see him get all angry and everything."  
  
Onikunshu took a sip of his tea and replied in the same pleasant tone, "How wonderful! Now, I recall the first time I contacted him. Though I do regret it, I was pleased to see that I gave him a good whap of a bruise on his left shin, and a beautiful burn on his right cheek!"  
  
"Lovely!"  
  
They both cackled evilly in pleasure, surprisingly not dropping any tea on their laps. It seemed... insanely frightening in a sort of way.  
  
With a light step of Aldarion's leap, the bench they were sitting on jiggled slightly. NahekaOC and Onikunshu watched him jump over the edge and run off into another corridor. Shrugging, they carried on with conversation. Then, the bench completely toppled over when Elvea pounced on the seat and bounded over the edge.   
  
Aldarion ignored his mother's and grandfather's outrageous bellows of fury as he kept running.  
  
Really, it would have been better for him and myself if he had stopped.  
  
"No! Stop! Wild creation! I command you!"  
  
_ Eeerrrggghhh! Voosh! Crash! Crack!... Boom!... Thud._  
  
"...Agh. My head..."  
  
And just to think... I hadn't even sat down at my desk yet. Oh what a day this would be....  
  


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I don't know for how long I've wanted to torture and/or make fun of my own characters! I love my job...  
  
Note: This fic is NOT interactive. I will not accept any more requests, and anonymous requests will be deleted from my review board.  
  



	2. The Fiction Dome

Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to JRR Tolkien.  
  


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**Author's Note:**  
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I have a very busy schedule now, and I haven't all the time in the world anymore.   
  


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** THE FILE CABINET**  
  
  
"Be... thankful..." I managed to stutter as Aldarion helped me to my feet, "That I am very used to one of you OCs," I pointed my finger in an arch, indicating that I was talking to all of my creations, "You tormenting OCs smashing into me at least three times within two hours." NahekaOC dusted herself off as she forgot to help her father to his feet.  
  
"Actually," she corrected, "That would be five times... in half an hour. That's my record!"  
  
"Don't remind me." I ran my hand through my hair, shaking my head as I began to walk south. "all right.... I want all of you to be in my office, in your proper file---" I glared at Elvea who was getting ready to pounce on Aldarion, "That means not visiting friends in other folders, Elvea. ---And I want you to be quiet and orderly. We have a lot of things to do today. But first, I have to stop by the Disclaimer Desk. Don't knock over any statues, artworks, or precious artifacts on the way, and please," I turned to NahekaOC, "try not to trod on the fangirls this time."  
  
"They were gawking at my husband!" she argued, starting to break out into her speech position, "Do you want me to defend my glory, or to sit there and watch? Well? Tell me! It's just so---"  
  
Aremis was calm enough to take her ranting mother by the hand and gradually lead her out of the north plaza toward the southeast gate where they could catch some kind of transportation to my office. Transportation devices for OCs tended to rotate a bit for some odd reason. Last week Tuesday, you could just fall out of nowhere to your destination. On the Saturday before that, there were horses that just suddenly bucked you up on their backs and dragged you off to who-knows-where. NahekaOC really enjoyed Wednesday. That was when dragons came flying and... well, a lot of people got burned because they didn't know how to ride a dragon.  
  
This time, a hoard of rampaging Uruk-hai came. I spotted a few other OCs screaming for the sakes of their imaginary lives as the army slung my OCs over their shoulders and went prancing--I mean-- marching away.   
  
"Glad I'm not an OC," I thought as I went southwest and caught a trolley to the Disclaimer Desk.  
  
The Disclaimer Desk was a one-story round building in Base I. In it, there were stations lined against each other, creating a very neat ring in the center of the building. Over there, you could rent the fictional characters and places that you needed for your fanfiction. I was going to the three-hundreth eighty-second desk, which was in the south west ( there are a lot of things in the south west, aren't there? ) area of the ring.  
  
Of course, another liscence was required to rent an official character. I would need to borrow some characters, some beasts, a few references, and of course, some land. Once again, I searched my wallet for another ID. Now days, the employees that work at the Desk were extra suspicious of certain writers. They fear what kind of stories may come out of their productions if they hand out the characters. For example... what if they wrote a Mary-Sue? Personally, I don't think that it is right to judge the authors and deny their service... but then again, don't you think it's just a tad bloody irritating when a gorgeous girl falls from the sky and flirts with Legolas Greenleaf?   
  
Hiked-up skirt and height forging Miss "Lady Marmalade", the hooch I saw on the bus earlier this morning, roughly brushed past me, her arm swinging out like a hyperactive fashion-model (okay, bad parable. I know.) with the elf prince in tow behind her. She didn't apologize either as she tripped a passing hobbit with one of her platform shoes.   
  
"She's new here, isn't she?" came a familiar voice from behind me. I wheeled around on my heels and grinned to see Amarth, a fellow author working at FFNH, standing in line behind me. "I swear to Manwe, she's going to get fired if she doesn't clean herself up."  
  
"Nah," I replied, shaking my head, "She's just gonna' get flamed." I looked down at Amarth's side to see a fuzzy little creature bobbing on its heels. "Hi, Good Luck Fuzzy."  
  
Good Luck Fuzzy held up a sign bearing the words in blue: "Greetings." Good Luck Fuzzy was Amarth's secretary. Some author's had people to help them organize their paper work.  
  
"Who're you borrowing today?" I inquired, taking a small step up in the line.  
  
"Smeagol!" Amarth cheered. Good Luck Fuzzy nodded his head fervently.  
  
"Ah.... For what reason?"  
  
Amarth bent over and whispered her idea in my ear. I stopped in my tracks and listened attentively, not noticing the line move up in front of me. When she had finished speaking, I made peace signs with both of my hands and said: "Dude! Total originality-ness!... I don't even know what originality is!" Well, I do know what originality means: a new idea that makes sense, or something similar. But due to my oblivious hours spent in the depths of my office, I was not around the newbies enough to quite embrace the definition of originality.   
  
"Move up, hippy-girl!" nagged the Disclaimer Desk worker, waving a wrinkled hand at me.   
  
I jerked and ran up front. Miss Fiddlespork [Yes, I made that name up me-self] was an aging old bat of a woman with bright purple spectacles and flowing dark gray curls tied up in a curt bun. Today, her turquoise blue and green spotted dress was clearly visible from her slouched seating position in her wheeling chair. A stack of orange papers were shoved neatly in the corner of the desk, bearing the message "BAN MARY-SUES!!!" in a deep flowing script of midnight blue. A picture of Legolas falling off a cliff was the clipart in the center of the page.   
  
"Take one, kid," snapped Fiddlespork, "And tell me what ya' want! Gimmie yer ID!"  
  
A sharp flash of her cat-like pink nails caught my plastic card in my hand. She took a careless glance at it before swiping it under a scanner and barking at me: "Who ya' borrowin'?"  
  
"I'll need 80 square miles of Lothlorien," I ordered firmly, "Erm... That would include Nimrodel.... 50 square miles of Mirkwood, and Lego---"  
  
A plastic package was thrust at my face before I finished pronouncing the elf prince's name. I caught it just in time. My fingers groped the insides, confirming the particles tied away inside it: two flat, rectangular cartridges, and one small, smooth tube. I took my ID, and waved a farewell to Amarth.  
  
"I'll see you at lunchtime," I reminded her, "And good luck with your idea!"  
  
  
Joe the Nazgul was drinking from his sky blue coffee cup when I opened my office door. He casually greeted me in Mordorian Tongue, not looking up from the stack of ruffled parchment woven between his metal covered fingers. I took to my desk first, tossing the aging bag of Lembas Chips into the aluminum trash can  
beside my desk. I looked down at the agenda sheet that Joe had typed out and placed on my desk, just as he had done every morning. I had a couple major climaxes to write, and a special meeting with one of my OCs. I'd write first, then I'd get to the meeting.  
  
There was the tall metal file cabinet standing next to my station, rumbling with talking, as usual. I listened carefully to their conversations, trying to prepare myself for what they would do once I would release them from their chamber.  
  
"It's the Teleri-boy!"   
  
"No, Mom! Let him be!"  
  
"Eeep!"  
  
"I'll kill you for touching my daughter!"  
  
The sound of a soft crunch and the smell of buttered popcorn told me that someone was entertained my this negative conflict. Onikunshu's dark chuckle came.  
  
"Wait 'till I tell your father. Oh, Eru he'll be angry."  
  
"No-ho!"  
  
Switch. Flick. Click. Voosh. The 'N' droor came flying open with an outrageous NahekaOC strangling another elf. The elf was from the 'F' droor, but it seemed that one of the OCs had dug a hole connecting all twenty-six droors. NahekaOC reached back into her file and pulled out a shimmering long knife. It was about eight inches long, with a jagged edge, and a smooth edge; a.k.a. "Dragonsilk". This was a famous knife, and it was supposed to be used in the chapter that I was going to write today.  
  
"And now," she whispered dangerously, waving Dragonsilk threateningly in front of the elf's face, "I slay thee!"  
  
Well, I really couldn't afford one of my characters impaling another of my character's spleen upon the tip of a brutal blade. So I whipped out the slick tube from my package of rented characters and jammed it into a plug on the north wall.  
  
A white box was screened with a sheet of safety-glass behind the north wall. Along the front, there was a gray control pad, consisting a couple funky buttons, a set of fancy-looking speakers, some complicated dials, and, of course, the keyboard. The was the Fiction Dome; the center of every author's life her at FFNH. You wrote your text on the keyboard, and whatever you wrote appeared in the box in front of you. The accessories on the side (the buttons and dials) were there to help adjust technical settings. And the speakers were there to communicate with your characters, just in case they were doing something wrong.   
  
As soon as the tube had plugged into it's outlet, a green flash had appeared in the Dome. Through the brightness, you could see a silhouette of a tall male with long hair and pointed ears. Legolas Greenleaf coughed and dusted his tunic off. With a stride and a bound, he popped out of the entrance to the Fiction Dome, which was a white door on the left of the screen.   
  
"Weggy-wassy!" cried NahekaOC, thrusting the elf aside and jumping on top of him, "Where have you been? Aremis is flirting with the Teleri-boy!"  
  
"What?!" gasped Legolas... well, the Legolas that I had 'created'.   
  
The characters you rent are ones that you specially design to fit your purpose. My Legolas knew who NahekaOC was, and all of the other things that my story Legolas knew.   
  
Legolas and NahekaOC were about to pounce of the other elf, when Joe stepped in. Thank Eru for Joe.  
  
"Fiction Dome!" he ordered in his Wraith-ish voice, "You all have a lot of work to do today! We have to get this done, ASAP! Come on! Go! Go! Go!"  
  
Elenwe Pilininge jumped out of his file in the 'E' droor and followed the others to the Fiction Dome. Elenwe was the son of Thranduil's closest advisor. He was a great friend to both Legolas and NahekaOC, and was on a quest with them in the story that I was writing. Today, he was needed to do a little angst scene, and a frantic horse chase.  
  
Legolas shot a glare at Elenwe. Elenwe frowned. NahekaOC looked sympathetic. Legolas growled. As my overwhelming composition went, NahekaOC and Legolas were rivaling enemies. Elenwe was stuck in the middle. But as the plot continued, both had fallen in love with NahekaOC... sad little story, isn't it? Now, destiny and fate intertwine with each other, waiting to crush one lover's heart... meep.  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
  
"Stop.... Don't waste your energy. I'm sorry, but I have to," she choked and coughed out blood. It stained her shirt. "I have to leave you now... forever." Legolas couldn't stop the tears from flowing down his face, and neither could Naheka, but she smiled up at him through them, "I wish I could have been with you for longer.." she grinned softly, "I had plans."  
  
Legolas smiled slightly, but not even for a moment. Out of the bushes, more elves and people came through. Elenwe was among them. A crowd of races began forming behind them. All was silent except for the quiet sobs that came from Legolas.  
  
"I'm leaving now," she murmured, "Good bye.... I love---"  
  
_ Ring! Ring!_  
  
NahekaOC wiped the fake blood off of her face in dismay and flopped onto the artificial grass as Legolas released her to answer the cellphone that was ringing at his waist. "Suilad?" he answered to the call, "The Sea? Sorry. You have the wrong Legolas. He's in Office---" he continued talking to the person on the other line, standing and leaning against a nearby mallorn tree. Naheka stared grumpily at him with a disappointed face.   
  
I had the urge to go in the Fiction Dome myself and toss the elf's cellphone down the Cracks of Doom, but instead I had decided to make it just a little interesting. I got up from my seat and tapped at the window. Legolas was too busy talking and didn't notice me, but NahekaOC turned her head on the grass at me. Reaching into the receiver for my OCs earphone, I licked my lips and prepared to do some quick language forging. I created NahekaOC's original language, thus she should be able to understand whatever random gibberish came out of my mouth.  
  
"_Jur chalad elfay_," I spoke matter-of-factly, pretending that I was the Master of All Language, "_Porzughad flirtuee huang attejihuer, Elenwe*_."  
  
Truth be told, I hadn't the slightest idea what I had really said, but NahekaOC definitely seemed to get my message. Following my advice, she flipped onto her stomach in front of Elenwe. Leaning her head into her left hand, she shot a very seductive gaze at the lesser elf, waving her slender fingers at him. Elenwe blushed and slouched as he returned a shy wave at her. Legolas suddenly paused dead in his speech and flicked his cellphone off in realization that he was being fooled behind his back. He glared at me through the window. I just shrugged my shoulders.  
  
Elves and cellphones, I concluded, were probably not the best combination in the world.  
  
  
Several other little bloopers happened during those five straight hours of work. A lovely climax took place once Legolas' phone had gotten out of the way, including angst and a bit of ... sadistic uncoverings, I would say. For once, I actually pitied my OCs as I watched them walk out of my office for a break. NahekaOC was crying near bawling, as Onikunshu was deadly silent and pale. Poor Elenwe had a bad case of Disturbious Twitchious, so he was off to the Health Station for a good remedy. When Joe had shut the door after they had all trudged out, I sat in my black spinning chair and flipped through the hour's accomplishments. I soon began to wonder if my OCs were weak because they were sorrowful for the climax, or just majorly impacted by the other mess-ups we came through....  
  
Onikunshu observed the lesser dragons that sat all around him. There were five of them, one white, one red, another green, a third blue, and a shiny copper one. He had reached Mirkwood last night in only five miuntes, and he took hospitality with the creatures he rested with.  
  
"And what is your name?" spoke the white gently in dragon tonuge, "We accept your presence here. Mother accepts all dragon visitors."  
  
"My name is... My name is...." Onikunshu lowered his head. He couldn't remember what his secret name was supposed to be.  
  
"_O-S-C-A-R!_" cried Aremis from her file. Aldarion joined in with her.  
  
"_My bologna has a second name,_" he sang.  
  
Together, they finished: "_It's M-A-Y-E-R!"_  
  
Three of the dragons in the scene burst out laughing. One of them laughed so hard that he snorted an enormous jet of flames from his nostrils. Presently, I turned to the glass window that separated myself from the story. I would have to clean up that nasty burn mark later.  
  
_ Bing! Bong! Bing! Bong! Bong! Bing! Bing! Bong!_  
  
"Aha!" I announced, watching my OCs sit directly on the spot and flip out their metal lunch boxes. "Joe! Lunchtime!"  
  
Joe got up from his secretary desk and followed me out of the door. To the Great Dining Hall!... well, actually, it was The Great Cafeteria. Oh well.  
  
  


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*see http://naheka.tripod.com/dragoneyeryu for reference to the source of this language.  



	3. The Great Cafeteria

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I do not own my fellow fic author's either. They own themselves.  
  


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**Author's Note:**  
Sorry for the long delay. But better late that never, right? That's good.  
**  
Conerning what this has to do with LOTR...**  
Yes, I have asked that question to myself too. What does this fic have to do with LOTR? Well, the idea of the fic is based on all of fanfiction.net, and the very existance of fanfiction. But the plot, or this story, focuses on LOTR fanfiction. I would suppose that if I had posted this in Original Fiction, people would ask why it isn't in LOTR. I do hope that counts...  
  
_ Meep!_  
_ -Naheka_  
  


* * *

  
THE FILE CABINET  
  
  
"I swear, those two have been digging around in my files again!" I accused, Joe nodding his head in unenthusiastic agreement, "People singing the Oscar Mayer theme song was in another chapter! Those brats, rummaging around in my papers again! Agh!"  
  
"No need to chase after them with knife and pitchfork," said Joe calmly, "...Like you did the other time... when was it?"  
  
"One month, Five weeks, three days, and twelve point nine seconds ago.... Make that thirteen point two."  
  
"Ah."  
  
We stopped at a green post on the corner of a fairly clean and new street. This was Pine Street. Why Joe and I chose to have this address, we will never know. Why someone decided to give it such a bland and unimaginative name such as _Pine_, no one will ever know. Well, oddly and abnormally, at that very moment, a gigantic black wrecking ball came swinging through like a monkey on a vine, and crushed the green Pine Street sign off its grip on the earth. Joe and I paused in horror. Then, a scrubby three-foot tall construction worker came waddling through and stuck another bright green sign in the corner.  
  
"Pineapple Street?" asked Joe in appall. I noticed that he was quaking in terror, sort of. "_Pineapple?_ That was the name of the bar you threw me into! Now I will be forever haunted by its mocking and ridiculous title!" He turned on me. "It's all _your_ fault!"  
  
I smiled cheerfully up at him. "Isn't it though?"  
  
At this point, the screech of the trolley's axle came into sound and halted right in front of us. The Wraith and I hopped aboard, pockets jingling with cash, awaiting our destination: The Great Cafeteria.  
  
** ~*~**  
  
I was getting sick of Lembas. I winced at the thought of those elvish wafers, and I grimaced when I saw them neatly piled in their usual stall in the near east corner. Nasty elf food. So delicate and petite... so wimpy and plain! Argh! Evil. But, ooh! look! Mordorian food! Today's special: Warg Cakes. Warg Cakes? Warg... Cakes.... Holy Eru that sounded disgusting.  
  
I stood on the spot upon the gleaming marble floors of the Great Cafeteria, eyeing the signs and ads with an uneasy trust. Joe had departed me and left to find some of his Nazgul buds. He sat with them and the surprisingly sane Secretary Gang. The Secretary Gang was merely a title for all of the Secretaries that worked for authors that wrote in the LOTR section. There were several types of gangs that had formed alongside the walls of FFNH. OCs had gangs, secretaries had gangs, and the authors had gangs. In fact, even Miss Fiddlespork, who at the moment was helping herself to a Warg Cake, was part of a group. She and her employee girl-friends went up to the staff room every Wednesday night for poker and a couple beers.   
  
I was amused to find some of my OCs all in separate gangs. All sitting in opposing sections of the cafeteria. NahekaOC was laughing devilishly over a tankard of ale in her group, _Notorious_. She also happened to be the head of it. C-chanOC, MeganOC, and JackieOC were in tow with her, also sipping from a liquor filled container. Onikunshu was in the corner, lurking in the shadows with a few of his friends, all muttering curses and evil things. I recognized Wethrinaer, another of my OCs in that corner. He was Elenwe's father. He and Onikunshu looked very much alike, and could have passed for twin brothers, but Wethrinaer had hazel eyes, as Onikunshu's were emerald. Both being morbid and sadistic gloomy twits, I had supposed that they would get along quite well. But instead... they were great rivals--no, scratch that--_ bad enemies_. They were having a sort of showdown at the moment.  
  
"I will do it," muttered Wethrinaer darkly, not taking his glare off Onikunshu's.  
  
"No, I will," the Dragon Lord replied in the same tone. Flames of competition burned.  
  
"It is my duty, and I know him better."  
  
"Your duty? I am the assassin here. You are a fussy palace advisor."  
  
"And you are an uneventful lord of juvenile delinquents."  
  
"I should get to kill him. He has my daughter."  
  
Judging by this line, they were obviously debating about who would be the lucky man to slay the prince of Mirkwood. Both evilly possessed males had an equal right to kill him. Onikunshu had lost his favorite daughter because she fell in love with Legolas, and Wethrinaer lost his only son because he was in love with Onikunshu's favorite daughter, who was in love with Legolas, who was in love with her, which broke Wethrinaer's only son's heart, who fled to Lindon and fell in love with another girl who was in love with another guy, who was in love with another girl, so she fell in love with Wethrinaer's only son, and he loved her.... But the immense tangle of heartstrings was nothing. For _I _would be the lucky girl to kill him! My evilly ingenious plan is to push the elf off a cliff. The world'll be better off without 'em! Ha! Ha! But I still had to draw the blueprints...  
  
"Why should you care? You killed her."  
  
"And resurrected her."  
  
"You are a freak."  
  
"You are a wimp."  
  
"It is because of him that my son is heartbroken."  
  
"Your son has a _girl's_ name! And you still haven't retorted to my wimp insult."  
  
"I don't care! And your wife had a man's name!"  
  
"I don't have a wife."  
  
"Then who bore your daughter? Now I am unsure if she is even yours!"  
  
"I did!" announced a female voice.  
  
Onikunshu went as white as a ghost as he was knocked the the marble floor with a pounce from another OC of mine. Narcisuss Hebiichizoku held the bounty hunter in her arms, hugging him so tightly as if she were to choke him like a boa constrictor. NahekaOC gasped in horror, jumping back to avoid her father and mother from crashing into her as Onikunshu clawed at the smooth tiles in an attempt to make an escape. Narcisuss and NahekaOC looked very much alike, yet NahekaOC's features were paler, like her father's, thus a difference between the two.  
  
"No-o!" the Dragon lord gasped, acting very much as if he were trying to avoid the grasp of Hell itself, "I don't know who you are, you crazy woman! Go away!"  
  
"Yay!" cheered Narciuss, still hugging Onikunshu lovingly, "I found Oni! You didn't think that you could really escape from me, could you? Of course not! I'll wuv you forever!" Anybody who knew Onikunshu's wicked reputation for murder and terrorism would be in utter shock to hear anyone say that they loved him. But there was a lovely, dramatic, overwhelming story to accompany that.   
  
I would have stuck around to watch the lord and the lady commence the proclamation of their perpetual, undying love, and their desperate tries to get away from each other, but I had already seen them shout and jump in my office. It was quite entertaining, really. But the tray of udon noodles was getting cold in my hands, and I heard my name being called from behind me.  
  
"Hey, Naheka!" I turned around and found some of my fellow fic authors heading out of the cafeteria with food in their hands. Amarth and a few others were waving a free hand at me. I cautiously sped over to them, wary of any soup dripping over the edges of my styrofoam bowl.  
  
"We're getting out of the chaos," said Newmoon, one of the girls in the group. She and I had a mutual love for Celt music. I was about to say that everything here at FFNH was chaos, but then NahekaOC ran screaming hysterically out of the cafeteria, flanked by her three OC friends, then Elenwe demanding that she stop sprinting, Wethrinaer chasing him, Onikunshu ready to strangle him, Narcisuss ready to glomp him, and finally the worn out security guards.  
  
"Let's leave!" whispered Amarth, leading us out of the cafeteria and into the gardens. I soon surpassed her in attempt to evade the weary eyes of the guards. If they caught me, that would be my five-hundreth twenty-eighth case of Peace Disturbing this... week. Great Varda, I was in trouble.  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
"So they're actually... entertaining?" Newmoon inquired as we took a turn down a street away from the cafeteria.   
  
I nodded in reply and said: "Yes, but only if they're doing it in a secluded area, like my office."  
  
"...But wouldn't that kinda' disturb you during your work? And trash your office?"  
  
"Sadly and inevibitaly, yes."  
  
"Oh."  
  
  
  
We decided to eat in the East Garden. They had decent tables there, of course, surrounded by natural, petite flowers and trees and such and such. A tranquil lake sat in its motionless puddle on the earth, occasionally rippling with the touch of a dragonfly's toe. A long, stone table was empty, yet occupied by the fallen cherry blossom petals. It was perpetually Spring in the East Garden. Aside from cherry blossoms, the wispy pricks of grass were greener than NahekaOC's eyes, and the sky was like a single blue pastel stroke upon parchment. There was a mockingbird in another tree, piping its tune for all to hear.  
  
I had read that it was "a sin to kill a mockingbird" in Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird, but as I snapped my wooden chopsticks apart in preparation to feast on my Asian food, I was beginning to get sick of all of the utter happiness. It irked me. It was so perfect. It irked me. Good, great, Manwe it irked me.  
  
"You are very lucky not to have ten OCs running around, creating destruction," I muttered monotonously to my friends. Amarth sighed.  
  
"Well at least none of your OCs are whiny paranoid freakachoos," she replied in the same tone. "Hini, I'm afraid, is overly concerned with the hobbits. Everything he says has an exclamation point attached to it."  
  
"And you get entertainment in your office," added Newmoon cheerfully.  
  
"Yes, for five seconds it's entertainment," said I, "But after that, one may have the sudden urge to jump under their desk and hide."  
  
"Then that means they aren't boring!"  
  
Well, that was true. One could not deny the fact that every story that I had written with an OC in it had a tremendous reputation for quests, trials, romance, and parodic chases. It was fun writing stories. I was safe from the OCs behind that thick glass wall. But out in the open... I could smell the very putrid fingers of fanfiction hell clinging at my ankle. Very much like Onikunshu and Narcisuss.   
  
Lunch went on peacefully after that, even if I really did want to take that singing mockingbird by the throat and... you know the violent drill. We caught snidgets of elvish singing in the background, (which faintly sounded like "Come back to the valley! Tra-la-la-la-lally!") and we saw the random rampaging orc herd trample through too! I believe Ugluk was in the lead, tagged by Lurtz, and they were leading their uneducated and unorganized mob after three girls bearing a flashing scarlet banner reading: "BOROMIR LIVES". After five minutes of disturbed staring, and a faint cough from Newmoon, NahekaOC was found chasing Falastur, a.k.a.- The Teleri Boy. She wielded an ax that uncannily looked like Gimli's ax. Scary.  
  
"That was... an unboring lunch," said Newmoon as we picked up our leftover food and trash to dump them in the garbage bin. The disgusting flies and gruel hanging from the edges was an abhorrent contrast to the layout of the East Garden. "I'll see you guys later on!"  
  
We all went in three separate directions, Newmoon and Amarth probably off to their streets with the better and more original names. But I went west to my new street sign, Pineapple Street. Joe awaited me there, once again in routine, but this time grumbling irately about why they named roads after fruits.  
  


* * *


	4. The Rebel Team Forms

Disclaimer: I do not own THe Lord of hte Rings. It belongs to JRR Tolkien.  
  


* * *

  
  
Author's Note:  
My account had been locked so that I couldn't upload for the past week. But I got chapter 4 up here! Hope you enjoy! Especially my lovely Mary-Sue song at the end of the chapter. It's a re-written poem from the Ent's 'Doom to Isengard' song! My favorite poem... ^_^  
And I have a site up! It explains part of this whole... story that I'm coming up with. It's what Tolkien's influence has rubbed on me. Really odd. Language, characters, maps, calender... and a mini-Silmarillion/Bible concept thing too... meep! I've been working on it for the last month and a half, and I would very much appreciate it if you were to stop by and give a few comments! The URL is:  
**http://naheka.tripod.com/dragoneyeryu **  
Thanks!  
-Naheka  
  
  


* * *

  
  
THE FILE CABINET  
  
  
Walking around the rugged, green, Ping-Pong table that had just suddenly appeared in my office (Aremis and Aldarion were having a heated match, whacking that little white ball back and forth) I sat down at my desk again and looked down at my agenda again, just as I had this morning. Staring down the column, I realized that I still had that meeting with NahekaOC, and an important one at that. No chitter-chattering came from the cabinet beside me. Only the ticker-tackering of Joe's fingers punching buttons on a laptop, and the _tock_! coming from the Ping-Pong table were heard. It seemed too quiet. Much too peaceful.   
  
Something was wrong.  
  
_Bang!_  
  
Nah. Something was just missing the chaos.  
  
"Hey, Naheka!"  
  
Phantom was a social person, the type to pop in whoever's office whether they knew them well or not, whether they were in the middle of work or not*. A thin, gray wolf tagged at her side. She called him Gollum. Also with her was Tiffany, a humanoid pink cat with green eyes and darker pink stripes. As usual, Tiff held a sugary piece of candy in her hands. This time, it was a half-eaten Hershey milk chocolate bar. Suddenly distracted by the little white ball going back and forth, she stood on the spot and watched the game go on. Joe shook his head and continued typing on his laptop.  
  
"Hi, Phantom!" I replied, getting up from my seat to greet her with a hand-slap. "Anything new?"  
  
"Other than the fact that there's an evil Mary-Sue lurking out in the woods," Phantom whispered mysteriously, "And that we're all going out to get some footage of it on camera," Gollum wolf barked at this point and handed a camcorder to her. "Thanks, Gollum." She pointed the camera at Joe. "Not much, really. Wave to the camera, Joe!"  
  
Joe didn't reply as he leaned forward at the laptop screen and checked the little clock in the far bottom right corner. With a grunt, he closed the screen down, and got up from his seat, shuffling a crisp stack of papers as he moved. Pushing his chair in and neatly placing his pens and paper clips back in the old, empty jar of what used to be filled with 'Morgai Mayonnaise', he announced clearly in his business tone: "Off to the Secretary Meeting. I'll be back at," he checked his sterling silver pocket watch, "1:30 this evening. You'll still be here, right?"  
  
"I'm here until 4:00, Joe," I said lazily, "Of course."  
  
"And today's Tuesday, so I have to go teach the baking class how to turn on an oven at---"  
  
"Yes! Yes. Community service thing, I know!"  
  
With a nod, the Wraith took one last disapproving look at the 'Onimusha: Warlords' poster tacked up on the door, and exited my office with a thick swish of his tattered robes. Tiffany was still gazing at the Ping-Pong ball, even when it had bounced off the table, over the air conditioner, rebounded off the Fiction-Dome, clicked on the lock of the file cabinet, and right pass Phantom's head. I clenched my fists and shut my eyes in preparation for that little white sphere to come straight at my nose, but the tock never came. My eyes eased open.  
  
"Simple enough!" exclaimed Onikunshu, spitting the Ping-Pong ball out of his mouth and into the tin trash can. "Catching a speeding bullet between teeth is easier than that!"  
  
"Wait," countered NahekaOC, "Does that make sense?"  
  
" I dunno'," replied Aldarion, searching his pocket for another ball, "I only learned how to climb trees. No one ever taught me how to spell... or add and subtract... or how to find density by diving mass over volume... or play the piano or---"  
  
"Stupid child!" groaned Onikunshu.  
  
"Argh! Stop insulting my child!" cried NahekaOC.  
  
Phantom and I backed up as the assassins unsheathed knives again. We were prepared to take cover with some portfolios that were laying on my desk, but then we decided to completely hide under the desk when Narcisuss came in. A light sweep of paper across wood told me that she had gotten the mail. I reached over my head and on my desk top to retrieve them. As I flipped through the junk mail envelopes and flyers, Phantom listened to the panicked conversation taking place in the open area. It came hurriedly in quick speech.  
  
"Aieee!" "What?" "Hey, you tried to kill me _and_ my family in my own fantasy!" "And you actually love me!" "Yeah. So?" "That's not right! It's weird! It's paranormal!" "Dude, it's disturbing!" "Stay out of this Aldarion." "I'm not a dude!" "Stupid child." "Stop it!" "Why?" "Grrr." "I'm hungry." "You are boring!" "What does_ that_ have to do with anything?" "I don't know!" "Who's talking?" "I don't know." "You don't know anything." "Neither do you." "What are you talking about?" "Why do you always ask questions?" "What's wrong with loving a bloody evil and disrespectful bounty hunter?" "Everything." "Not! It's romantically tragic!" "Keyword: tragic." "Dude, we can talk for a long time, can't we?" "Aldarion, I don't like your slang thing, 'dude'." "I was only taught how to climb trees, dude!" "Don't call me dude!" "Dude!" "Nooooo!"  
  
"Hey, look at this!" I announced, breaking up the gibbering OC's banter. I held up the bright orange flyer Miss Fiddlespork had offered me earlier this morning. Aside from the midnight blue script with BAN MARY-SUES, there was other text that offered cash to anyone who successfully killed a Mary-Sue. "You guys interested?"  
  
An OC snatched the orange sheet out of my hands as I continued to flip through the mail. Sensing that it was safe, Phantom and I crawled out from under the desk and peered over the edge. All seven of my characters, Gollum wolf, and Tiffany were reading the flyer with great interest, especially the bounty hunters in the crowd, whose eyes were mutually lit with the identical flame of greed. That blind look had completely wrapped itself around their eyes.  
  
"Do you have any idea how much that offer is worth?" asked NahekaOC in utter brilliance. "Look at that! Twenty reviews for a dead Mary-Sue! That's like... five qemba!"  
  
"I know that!" snapped Onikunshu. "Imagine...."  
  
Even five minutes later, when Tiffany had scampered off in realization that she had to attend the Secretary Meeting and was already ten minutes late, Gollum wolf was laying on the floor half asleep, and when the other OCs were standing around the Ping-Pong table, watching Narcisuss and Elenwe play; NahekaOC and Onikunshu were still sitting in the corner, plotting in silence.  
  
Soon, NahekaOC was directing images at Joe's laptop as Onikunshu carefully viewed the blueprints that appeared on the SmartBoard. Phantom and I were playing cards with a pack of cards that I had found under my desk.  
  
"Go fish," Phantom said monotonously. I picked up a card from the pack. "Do you have an eight?"  
  
"'Ere ye' go," I muttered, handing her an eight of clubs.  
  
Phantom dropped her last pair on the light green carpet. "I win."  
  
"Meep you."  
  
"Is that an insult?"  
  
I shrugged. "My friend Lily came up with it. I'm trying to get her to join us at FFNH, but she's busy praising meaty beef!"  
  
"Good for her."  
  
"_We've got it!_"   
  
We all turned to the plotting masterminds standing on top of Joe's desk, one arm on each other's shoulder, the other hands pointing up to the ceiling in victory. It was so Anime-ish.   
  
"Five qemba!" shouted NahekaOC. "Five qemba we will attain by the time we accomplish the mission!"  
  
With a valiant leap and a whoosh, both had jumped out of the door, and sped out into the hallway to consult the people who were offering the reward.  
  
"I say we go!" exclaimed Phantom. "We all want the death to Mary-Sue's, don't we?" Everyone except Elvea nodded. "Then we should contribute to the destruction and ultimate downfall of this hideously annoying two-headed beast of a Mary-Sue! Let's kill it!"  
  
"Beautiful speech, Phantom. Absolutely inspiring."  
  
"Thanks! Let's go!"  
  
"Great!" I announced, somewhat energized by the impact of this Mary-Sue-loathing. "Let's round up an army!" And with that, we all went out of the door and through the hallways of FFNH.  
  
  
**~*~**  
  
"It's on the rage!" squealed a girl in a black t-shirt bearing the message "YOU LOVE LEGOLAS. YOU DIE." in scarlet with orange glitter. Her boyfriend nodded in agreement.  
  
"A lot of people really hate Mary-Sues, don't they?" inquired Newmoon, whom Phantom and I had found at the Disclaimer Desk. Tossing my rented items into the return basket, I caught up with my fellow authors as we continued to search for more Mary-Sue rebels that we knew.   
  
"They're evil!" replied Phantom, throwing her arms up in the air in enthusiasm. "Plot wasted, repeated, and bland!"  
  
"And annoying," I added reluctantly. Phantom nodded.  
  
"Hey, Amarth!"  
  
Amarth was watching Smeagol stroke a bag of _Mrs. Bombadil's Cookies_ as she sat on a stone bench outside the Disclaimer Desk building. The evil maimed hobbit was hissing protectively at the white and pink package, eyes turning green with every bite of a chocolate chip cookie he took. "Precioussss cookiesss..."  
  
"And I thought he only treated the Ring like that!" jested Amarth, jabbing her thumb at Gollum. Gollum snorted. "What's up?"  
  
"Come with us for the 'Death to Mary-Sue' offer!" said Phantom. Newmoon handed her the infamous orange flyer. Amarth took it and looked at it carefully. In seconds, a blissful grin played across her face.  
  
"I'm in!"  
  
"Then off we go!"  
  
We all inhaled to sing as proudly as we could as we marched off to find the anti-Mary-Sue supporters. Our song inspired by the Ents.  
  
"_To Mary-Sue!   
Though Mary-Sue be hardly loved, and written by few of little brain,  
Though Mary-Sue still breathes alive, doom we promise to rain!  
We go, we go, we go to war! To hew ideas and break its pride,  
For literature itself we go to war! Our hate no longer kept inside!  
To story of fraud with joy we trod, killing is fun!  
We come! We come!  
To Mary-Sue with doom we come!  
With doom we come, with doom we come!_"  
  


* * *

  



	5. The Mysterious Address

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. All authors have been used with permission.  
  


* * *

  
  
**Author's Note:**  
Sorry again for the late update. Expect this to be the pace for chapter uploading. I get most of my writing stuff done on the weekends, and It only took me two days to write this one, which took place on Saturday to today, Sunday. I haven't much energy on weekdays now, and homework tends to boot fanfiction writing out of my mind. But I do promise that I will _try_ to get back to my spontaneous state as I had been in the summer. Yet I doubt it will have much effect, as I get home three hours later than I did before. Chapters come one Sundays.  
_Attempting my very best,_  
_Naheka_  
  
  


* * *

  
THE FILE CABINET  
  
  
  
"Let's hunt some Mary-Sue!"  
  
We all cheered in agreement. We just couldn't help shouting for joy when it cam to Mary-Sue hunting. It was just too good to be true! Like the three hunters when they had sped off from Amon Hen after Boromir's departure, Phantom, Amarth, Newmoon, and I raced off into the courtyards and fields behind the Disclaimer Desk, leaving all planned duties of our own behind. We were still singing the Entish Mary-Sue-Doom song, by the way. "_With doom we come, with doom we come!_"  
  
We were careful enough to run around the orc herd whom were all sitting cross-legged in an adjacent circle, holding hands as they sang "Kumbaya" over a smoking campfire. A familiar scarlet banner was burning to shreds within the flames. And as for the fangirls who had been carrying the banner... well, they were off forging a new blue and yellow banner with "FRODO LIVES!!!" on it. They were sulking under a tree to the left of the orcs, arguing on whether the banner should be midnight blue, or sky blue.   
  
"The address on the paper," said Newmoon, still jogging as she held up the fluttering orange banner. "Says... 'Don't call us, we'll call you.'"  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked. We all stopped in our sprinting to take a breath and to examine the paper. Phantom took it and re-read the information.  
  
"...That's what it says," she replied in confusion. "Don't call us, we'll call you? That's not a street address."  
  
"Wait a minute," said Amarth, putting a hand up. "This could be a set-up, a trap."  
  
"You mean... it's fake?" I asked again in appall.  
  
"It's a possibility." Amarth answered sadly.  
  
I dropped to my knees and cast my right open hand in a half arch, left hand an angst-worn fist clenched below my chin, hollering, "_Nooooooooooo!_" in the lowest tone my soprano lungs could bear, pressing out all of the despair and torment I could muster in five seconds. I took a deep breath. "_Noooooooooooo!.... Noooooooooo!_"  
  
"_Shut up!_" barked someone from a random place of which none of us could identify.  
  
"Geez. Sorry..."  
  
We all sat down in attempt to figure out what exactly the message meant. Well, there were several possibilities, but none of them really guided us anywhere. "Is it a code?" "Nah. Mary-Sue domination is too big of a topic to classify." "Maybe we have to sit next to a telephone?" "How will they know us?" "I dunno'. It happens in the movies. " "_Ring! Ring! You have seven days to live! Bwahahahaha---_" "You haven't even _seen_ that movie yet." "Well, a lot of people talk about it. Why can't I?" "You know what it means to be lectured about facts, don't you, Naheka?" "Yeah." "So it really wouldn't be the best to say anything about it." "What? Have you become a Tolkien-Purist too?" "There is nothing shameful about being a Tolkien-Purist... and I'm not one of them, by the way---" "Hey!" "We're getting off topic here!"  
  
Okay, so we strayed off our concentration a good five categories, but really, that's the way conversations go, no? Well, eventually the sugar that must've been in our previous meals had worn off, and now we were all laying silently on the grass, out of ideas and too tired to get up. We knew that there were probably more of these flyers laying around the next corner, so I permitted myself to tear up the useless advertisement to entertain myself with origami.   
  
"...Hey!" I cried suddenly. My three companions turned up and looked at me. "I have... I have... an idea!"  
  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
  
"Wheeerrrr! Pow! Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta! Oh no! My spine!"  
  
"The enemy has been injured! Release the troops!"  
  
"Ah! General Amarth has attacked the fleets! Oh no!"  
  
"Watch out! Here comes Lieutenant Phantom! Vroom... pow!"  
  
"Aieee! Sergeant Newmoon! We're all gonna' die!"  
  
Well... I had kinda' gotten carried away with the origami. In the time span of fifteen or so minutes, I had folded twenty, bright, orange paper cranes. I can't help it. I love folding paper cranes. I could waste my life folding paper cranes... nah. I'd rather waste it on the Internet. Anyway... my twenty paper cranes were split among the four of us, and the small circle that we were lying in became an imaginary bloody and smoking battle field. According to our vivid minds and fantasies, General Amarth, Lieutenant Phantom, Sergeant Newmoon, and I, Commander Naheka were supposed to be alliances against the terrible, powerful, almighty, and abominated Mary-Sue Army. But it was a one-crane army, and the left wing was on the verge of being torn off by one of Lieutenant Phantom's soldiers.   
  
"Hah hah!" she cried, jabbing the flimsy beak at the tear. "Die, evil Mary-Sue! Die! Die!"  
  
"Excuse me, but do you know where we can find the Anti-MarySue Group?"  
  
The four of us turned from our battle to look up at blonde elf with blue eyes. She looked a bit confused, but a grin was on her face as she bore the familiar orange flyer in her left hand. Standing next to her was a girl with similar features, save the pointed ears of an elf, and someone I had recognized around FFNH as Coffeegirl.   
  
"'Don't call us, we'll call you'" Phantom suggested, accidentally leaning on the Mary-Sue crane. "Oops. Squashed it."  
  
"The enemy has been defeated!" cheered Newmoon. I fell back on the earth laughing hysterically.  
  
"Sorry," answered Amarth to the she-elf's question. "We haven't been able to locate the Anti-MarySue group either."  
  
"Hey!" I said suddenly, bolting up from my fallen position, dusting the flattened paper cranes off of my back. "Oh dear. Sorry, Amarth. I just killed your fleet wonder how Onikunshu and NahekaOC are doing?"   
  
"Onikunshu?" questioned the girl suddenly, turning an interested gaze at me. "What does he look like?"  
  
"Shoulder length black hair and disturbingly evil green eyes," I recited. "Either that, or a coal black dragon with... disturbingly evil green eyes. You've seen him on the verge of strangling a few people, haven't you?"  
  
"Well... yes. That, and one of my OCs has been getting some sort of advice from him."  
  
"Does it have to do with knife throwing? Because Onikunshu makes a very good teacher when it comes to---Aiee!"  
  
NahekaOC had jumped out of nowhere and took refuge behind Phantom. She quivered and slowly edged away from the assassin, who was behaving rather strangely, twitching nervously like a rabbit with a gun to its head in the cartoons. She was sweating cold fear, not bothering to pick the remains of the Mary-Sue crane off of her boot. She had trampled it on her way over my head.   
  
"Now what happened?" I groaned.  
  
"M-m....My mother has finally captured my father."  
  
"Oh no. Let the doom commence."  
  
"Hey! This is serious!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"She might help the Mary-Sue side!"  
  
Everyone gasped. Had I just created another alliance to the Mary-Sue'rs?  
  
"Narcisuss was not a Mary-Sue," I grunted, the only one who hadn't gasped. "Onikunshu would not let it be that way."  
  
"...Really?"  
  
"He's a friggin' evil bounty hunter. What do you think?"  
  
"No one ever told me-e! I've been lied to, you forsaking, pride-breaking, mislead author!"  
  
"Naurglahad*, just suck it up and move on."  
  
"...Fine then."  
  
She crossed her arms and turned her back to me, legs folded Indian-style.   
  
"Oh great. Now my OC is angry at me." I stood up and began waving my arms around hysterically. "So now I gotta' watch out for assassin stalkers! Like I'm paranoid, looking over my back! Great! Now I have a Linkin Park song stuck in my head! And it's my favorite song too! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah."  
  
Well, I don't think I really did say 'blah' after that, but I definitely know that I had launched off into a rant. That's what rants sound like. Come to think of it, that's how all of my teachers at school sound like. Rants and lecture. But I'm probably boring you now, aren't I? Thought so.   
  
As I was overflowing with random comments and stressed frustrations, the girl was introducing herself and her OC. "I go by Kitty," she explained. "And this is Elenmir."  
  
"Greetings!" chirruped Elenmir.  
  
"Hi, Naheka," said Coffeegirl, waving her hand in front of my face in attempt to get me to shut up.  
  
At that moment, I stopped babbling and plopped back onto the grass beside NahekaOC, trying to look as sullen as possible.   
  
"Meep all of you," I grumbled. "And no, it's not an insult."  
  
"all right," announced Phantom. "Now, our problem is finding where exactly this Anti Mary-Sue Committee is."  
  
"It could be fake," said Amarth, frowning slightly.  
  
"Or it could be a riddle," added Newmoon.  
  
"I'll contribute the thought," said Kitty, "that perhaps a phone---"  
  
"Will just fall out of the sky and hit someone's head!" finished Coffeegirl excitedly.  
  
It was definitely inevitable.  
  
A whistle came out of the sky.  
_  
Bonk!_  
  
Seething and cursing simultaneously, the last image I saw was Phantom, Newmoon, Amarth, Kitty, Coffeegirl, and Elenmir standing over me with looks of concern on their faces. In Coffegirl's hand was a shiny, black, cordless telephone. _It was ringing. _  
  


* * *

  
*NahekaOCs real name. I'll be changing it gradually through all of my fics.  



	6. The First Clue

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings, it belongs to JRR Tolkien. I do not own Fanfiction.net, they own themselves. The gang of western outlaws specifically belongs to Phantom, as was requested. Erm... Kitty owns Elenmir, Penelope owns Ember and Wisdom. All authors used by request and permission. I disclaimer with over two lines of text... fascinating!  
  


* * *

  
  
**Author's Note:**  
I bet you all thought I died, didn't you? Sorry. Homework shall die.  
Well, I'm going to have to refuse all requests for character inserts, as the story is pretty much booked up, and has enough characters to keep it running until the end of the story. NO MORE REQUESTS.  
Tank-q.   
_ -Naheka_  
  


* * *

  
THE FILE CABINET  
  
  
Amazingly, I had not found myself in the Hospital Quarters as I had thought I would be when I recovered. I was still laying in the same spot that I had been knocked out in earlier. "Oh fritters," I thought reluctantly. I strongly desired the free moist chocolate brownies they gave out to all Hospital Quarter patients. Dark chocolate was my favorite. Why didn't I go in when Aldarion was smashed into me earlier?  
  
Brushing off my state of unconsciousness, I rolled over on the grass and looked around for my Anti-MarySue companions. Judging by the bright blue sky, stroked with the occasional wispy white clouds, I had been unconscious for... five minutes. Not bad. Not really. I dusted more squashed paper cranes off of my back before turning around to face Elenmir's back. I nudged backwards and stood up, only to observe that everyone was crowded around something.  
  
"Did you hear it?" asked Coffeegirl. She seemed to be in a state of shock, as were Newmoon and Kitty. But Phantom and Amarth looked rather suspicious, giving puzzled glares to the black cordless phone in Phantom's left hand. Elenmir looked rather curious, and so was NahekaOC.   
  
"What did the telephone say?" I blurted out immediately.   
  
"It replays a message every thirty seconds," said Amarth. Phantom nodded and handed me the phone. I put it up to my ear. "Listen."  
  
I waited, pressing the speaker of the phone into my ear as tight as I could, accidentally occasionally pushing a few buttons. Then the message came. "Suilad, all Anti-MarySue'rs." The voice was a rotting whisper, a ghostlike hoarse voice that seemed even more chilling than a Wraith's voice. "We know what you want. We know what you need. You must find us. You can help us. We can help you." It slightly annoyed me that this person simply did not know how to use a comma, and the word 'and'. But the choppy effect was frightening enough. "But you must find us first." I _know_ that already... "Our first clue is to look where fire becomes ice. And ice becomes fire." Then, the dead dial tone came. I sighed, releasing the pressure of the phone off of my ear, but the speaker was still close to my ear. And then the phone _screamed_ in my ear! A blood curdling shriek that somewhat re-awoke the most terrifying and horrible memories that existed in the very depths of my own past and mind. I screamed. I got scared, thrusting the phone back onto the grass, still crying out like a frightened child. But at that moment, I _was_ a frightened child.  
  
"Goodness, that really scared you, didn't it?" said Kitty, a look of concern coming across her face as a single tear streamed down my cheek.  
  
"Yes! I'm scared!" I hollered in reply. "Not once have I ever been able to stand a sudden scream directly in my face! The e-mails! The stupid prank e-mails! The screams! The pictures! The evil pictures! The screaming! The screaming! Aieee!" After that, I went off into this confessional, tormented, mindless babble of how I feared of sudden shrieks. Everyone watched me in pity and exasperation.  
  
And then---  
  
_ Bang!  
_   
The sudden gunshot in the air got me hysterical again, and I found myself taking refuge in my own gray, pullover jacket, my head shrinking in like a turtle into its shell. When I had peeked over the rim of the neckline, I saw NahekaOC holding the phone with an accusing look on her face as she pointed to a man who looked in about his thirties.  
  
"What d'ja do that for?" she screamed, waving her arms in the air.  
  
"It was just laying there," replied the man with a relaxed sort of grin.  
  
"You don't shoot things just because they're still!" she retorted. Grabbing things with the greatest of ease was a skill NahekaOC had learned as an assassin and thief. This was proved true when she snagged the man's pistol, and gave it a few fancy twirls through her slender finger before pulling the trigger at a bird in a nearby tree. It was the mockingbird that I had seen at lunch earlier. As soon as its limp form had hit the earth, she shot it a second time. Poor mockingbird. I wanted to cry again.  
  
"You have to make sure the thing's _dead_ first," she explained, neatly handing the smoking pistol back to the man. He blinked, looked down at the gun in his hand, and shrugged, slipping it back into its holder at his waist. "And by the way," NahekaOC added. "Who the hell are you?"  
  
"OC!" I snapped, almost instantly coming out of my horrified, jumpy mode. "Don't talk like that to other OCs! It's rude!"   
  
"Hey, I have a name! Stop calling me a stupid acronym!"  
  
For some reason, I had this sort of sense that our argument was suddenly cluttering, sort of like bunching a conversation into one, big, long paragraph. "Oh? Then what is it?" "Naheka." "_No!_ That's _my _name!" "You lie. It's _mine_!" "_Mine! My pen name!_" "Your name is not Naheka! It's Catherine!" "_Silence!_" I yanked NahekaOC by the collar and started shaking her madly. "I_ will not tolerate my Catholic name uttered among these people! This is the Internet, you fool!_" "What? Now you have _prejudice_ against your _own _religion? You are mad!" "Of _course_ I'm mad! And I don't have prejudice against my Faith! I just don't want the plot to lead to Catholic matters!" "Plot? What plot?" "_This story is against my norms!_"   
  
"Ya' know," said Coffeegirl, tilting her head. "It's rather difficult to read your conversation if it's bunched up into one, big, long paragraph..."  
  
Both I and NahekaOC snorted, "Huh?"  
  
Coffeegirl handed us a white piece of parchment with a typed paragraph in 12 font, Times New Roman. The text in the paragraph, oddly, described and listed the exact argument we just had. Like the feeling I had before, and true to Coffeegirl's words, the conversation was bunched up into a single, thick paragraph.   
  
"And maybe you should lay off the italics," commented Amarth. "There's a lot of 'em drifting around... No. Scratch that. Skip the italics and GO INTO ALL CAPITOLS! YES!!!"  
  
"Well, both formats should work," interrupted Phantom as Newmoon put a hand on Amarth's shoulder in attempt to prevent her from going insane. "And to answer your question... er..."  
  
"Her real name is Naurglahad!" I seethed through gritted teeth. NahekaOC, or Naurglahad, smacked my forehead. "_Ouch!_ I mean--- OUCH!!!"  
  
"HOORAY FOR CAPITOLS!"  
  
"Calm down, Amarth."  
  
"Ahem! To answer your question Naurglahad!" continued Phantom, starting to get a bit impatient. "This is my gang of western outlaws." She pointed to three men that were sitting around behind her. Frankly, I never noticed that they were there five seconds ago. But then I remembered that sometimes, people tend to pop out of nowhere, OC or author... or Mary-Sue. (I sense that agitated twitch coming from your right eye. I know it's there.) "Stand up and introduce yourselves!"  
  
The man Naurglahad had stolen his pistol from was currently re-tying his shoelace. He looked up for about three seconds. Then he grunted and went back to his boot. He shook his head at the younger outlaw next to him. Staring at Phantom, he also shook his head and sat down next to the older man. The third and final man on the left dusted his hands and waved.   
  
"My name is Ted," he said politely. Everyone smiled and waved, but Naurglahad grinned evilly at him.   
  
Pointing a slender finger at him, she hissed at him, "I senssse your sssoftenesss..._ weakling!_" She cracked up and began laughing hysterically. A look of deep concern crossed Ted's face as I pounced on Naurglahad.   
  
"Agh! She's delirious!" I cried. "And don't insult other OC's! Whether you're delirious or not, you're giving me a bad name!"  
  
"Nah," she said suddenly in a dull tone. She smirked at me. My jaw dropped. "Just fooling. And you two," she snapped at the pair of men that remained mute. To the man who had tied his shoes instead of listening to Phantom, "You're Jack. And you," she said to the other, "you're Blue."  
  
"How'd you know?" asked Blue, amazed that this psychotic female recognized him.  
  
"That's what I'd like to know," muttered Jack, a hand brushing lightly against his pistol.  
  
"Don't bother," Naurglahad warned at the sight of this. "And I know you because you were... last... Tuesday's traditional water balloon victims!" The expected look of accusation crossed both men's faces.  
  
"Wait a minute!" said a new male voice.  
  
There was another elf approaching us from behind, followed by a Mortal and another person whom I had accounted as Penelope, although her pen name was Princess of the Dark Abyss. The elf was Ember Whitefire, as I remembered Penelope explaining to me, and the Mortal was Wisdom Blade. They were both wandering travelers that had the tendency to fall into an adventure. I couldn't wave to Penelope or her OC's as I was still trying to restrain my OC with both hands. Ember continued to speak.  
  
"Were_ you_ the one who set up the buckets of water on every door of FFNH on Halloween?" Ember inquired in a serious tone.  
  
"Yeah," Naurglahad replied cheerfully, smiling at her own 'brilliance'. "_The Thousand Pails of Wetness_. I assume that you enjoyed one of my finer and more ingenious plots?"  
  
"That was you?" I shrieked suddenly in realization. "You, my own creation? You were the one who set them up?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Do you have any idea how much destruction that caused?"  
  
"Well... yeah."  
  
"JOE'S FINGERS AND SHOES RUSTED, AND THE DESERT I WAS CARRYING IN TURNED FROM PUMPKIN ICECREAM TO PUMPKIN SLUDGE!!!"  
  
"Hmm.... Maybe you should stick to italics."  
  
I started screaming again. Then I remembered all of the OC's started coming up with replies and retorts, eventually pulling the Author's into the argument. Soon enough, Naurglahad had thrown a missed punch at someone. Of course, he or she had replied with a rivaling strike. Unfortunately, all the OC's just happened to be carrying weapons and... well... off it went! It all happened so fast. I couldn't hear anything except gun blasts and the clash of blades. But it all stopped when suddenly---  
  
"I hear something!" announced Ember. Everyone stopped moving. It seemed odd looking because Naurglahad was standing with one foot in the air with a knife ready to fling at Ted, who was trying to escape under Wisdom, who was frozen in the position of pouncing on Jack. Jack was about to bump right into Elenmir, who was on the verge of strangling Blue, who had caught a hold of Ember's foot. Ember had caught Naurglahad's wrist.   
  
I lay on my back, ignoring the remaining soldiers from the Paper Crane Wars pressed in their final flattening. We could all hear something in the distance. Phantom, Newmoon, Amarth, Kitty, Coffeegirl, Penelope, and myself remained still with the OCs. It was a voice, coming from the nearby trees. It was pure, melodious, perfect... ever so terribly hideous.  
  
"It's a Mary-Sue!" whispered Newmoon. Phantom nodded. All of our eyes were turned into the darkness of the trees.  
  
"Should we attack it?" asked Kitty.  
  
"I... I don't think we should," said Penelope. "Judging by the voice and stats of introduction, this one looks like..."  
  
"A really Mary-Sue-ish Mary-Sue," said Amarth. "I wasn't quite ready for this one to come now... Not as the first one."  
  
"What's a Mary-Sue?" inquired Blue.  
  
"It's a monster," said Naurglahad quickly, lowering her knife. Slowly, all of the OC's lowered their defenses and attacks, sliding into a standing position. "Its attacks and abilities are great... terrible... and powerful." Surprisingly, she didn't smile at the young outlaw's look of appall. "We cannot face this."  
  
"Then... what should we do?" I asked finally.  
  
Phantom took a deep breath...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"RUN!!!"  
  


* * *

  
I'll see if I can get chapters to come on every Sunday.... ^_^ -_Naheka  
_  
  



	7. The Decision

** Disclaimer: **I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to JRR Tolkien. All authors used with their permission.  
  


* * *

  
**  
Author's Note_S_**:  
1. Surprise! Early chapter! I'm pretty busy this weekend, so I finished this one double quick! Hooray. Hooray.  
2. Chaos-chan is holding a simple writing contest. Who can write the most MarySueish Mary-Sue? Contact Chaos-chan at chaoschan@hawaii.rr.com for details.  
  


* * *

  
THE FILE CABINET  
  
  
"I'll see you pitiful mortals some time later!" Naurglahad had called to us before she took the form of a dark auburn dragon, and rocketed out of sight before anyone could blink. She headed east, probably off to find Onikunshu and co. In that moment, I had hoped that she would return with reinforcements. But knowing the treachery that lies in the hearts of most bounty hunters... Naurglahad might as well have taken a three-month vacation to Tahiti.  
  
"Yeah!" agreed Blue. He and his fellow outlaws were now mounting horses that seemed to have popped out of nowhere.  
  
"See ya' 'round!" hollered Jack. Then, all three of them raced off into the west. Phantom's jaw dropped as she watched Ted give a final wave.  
  
Ember took a deep breath. "...Elves are fast runners!" Elenmir nodded as Ember put a hand on Wisdom's shoulder. "And so is our mortal cleric here! ...Namaarie!" The look of betrayal came to the faces of Kitty and Penelope.   
  
We had been abandoned... with a massively evil monster--I mean-- Mary-Sue (same thing, really) ready to charge out of the forest and gore us to death with its... er... pink, feminine hair clips of death... Okay, then _stomp_ us to death with its towering platform shoes. Yeah.  
  
"This is not good," said Newmoon, shuddering slightly with every pace of the Mary-Sue's step. We could feel the god-like ripple of every one of her motions, naturally connecting to nature and harmony. We were all frozen in utter terror and fear.  
  
"We're supposed to run..." hissed Phantom, her right foot trembling to start moving.   
  
I inhaled deeply, but I did not exhale. "On the count of three.... one... two..."  
  
_ BOOM!_  
  
"THREE!"  
  
All seven of us sprinted as fast as we could, the fear pounding in our hearts like wind to our feet. It kept us running, faster and faster. And I, if I do say so myself, am a very fast runner. So now that there was actually something chasing me, I was running faster than anytime I had ran in my whole life. It was a marvelous feeling, but not too pleasant. The shadow trailing gracefully behind us (in all of its Mary-Sue pride) kept us running.  
  
"Is there a bright side to this?" asked Coffeegirl hopefully, speeding in line with Amarth and Kitty.  
  
"Well..." I said, trying to release my fears by going into reminisce. "I had always wanted to be chased by an angry Nazgûl with a Morgûl blade..."  
  
"Why didn't you just ask Joe?" inquired Penelope.  
  
"Watch out for the hill!"   
  
We all might have tripped and toppled down the hill if Amarth hadn't pointed it out. But with a last-minute leap, we took high into the air, and landed with a stumble on the rolling grass. Newmoon pointed to a large tree that looked simple enough for us to climb. Its thick, low branches were stable enough, and one by one, we climbed into the safety of its very leafy arms. Only the sound of seven authors panting reached my ears.   
  
"The only way to get Joe to chase someone around like that," I explained, panting simultaneously, wiping sweat from my brow, "is to toss one of his blueberry cream pies out a window. And Joe's pies... Oh Eru, it is a pure _sin_ to waste one of those." After a few seconds, Coffeegirl had prodded me in the shoulder to tap me back into senses. Then, I realized I was drooling.  
  
As she handed me a handkerchief, Phantom's eyes narrowed.  
  
"I hear something," she muttered. With smooth movements that could have easily passed for a Gollum-impersonation, Phantom crawled into the lower branches, and poked her head through the leaves. The remaining six writers, (including myself) leaned towards her in anticipation of what she would say when she had returned.  
  
"Naheka!" she said suddenly. "It's Onikunshu!"   
  
I almost fell out of the tree completely as I bounded from my seat in a narrow crook of the tree. Grasping onto some weaker branches, I hollered down at the tall, dark-haired man that stood looking into the leaves with a mellow look of amusement on his face.  
  
"Onikunshu!" I hollered loudly. "Summon yer almighty clan members and kick that Mary-Sue's sad, forbidden, pathetic a---"  
  
"How many?" the Dragon-lord interrupted, brushing away my cussing with a wave of his pale hand.  
  
"About a thousand or so!" called Amarth from inside the tree.  
  
"Let me think about that..." Onikunshu put a hand to his chin as he crossed one arm over his chest, shifting his weight on his right. "Hmm... ah... _no_."  
  
"_What?!_" Newmoon and Kitty caught my sleeve before I could totally fall out. I was jumping up and down madly. "How dare you! I oughta' sic Narcissus on you!"  
  
"Too late." He pointed to a silver shackle on his left foot. The thick, long chain led out of my vision. "She already caught me!" He lifted up the chain. "Strangled and strapped in... two seconds! Do you have any idea how badly that defies all logic and knowledge of Ryunarasu?" Out of his pocket came a dark yellow scroll of parchment. "It's listed here in the _Scroll of Parathemé_." He read out a passage near the middle of the scroll once he had unrolled it. "'_No Mortal shall tame or defeat an opposing, non-related Ryunarasu in a strict time span of five seconds or less'_!"  
  
"Why are you carrying that thing around anyway?"  
  
"You invented it! You should know!"  
  
Suddenly, he was yanked flat onto the earth, the silver chain ringing as he fell.   
  
"You're on my murder list!" were the last few words he shouted at me before he was dragged away. "I hope you know that!"  
  
"Aw, Oni!" cried Narcissus' voice out of nowhere. "That's the sixty-second person you've added to your list today!"  
  
"Sixty-third, I'll correct you."  
  
"It doesn't matter."  
  
"Yes it does. I am a king of assassins. _Don't tell me my murder lists don't matter!_"  
  
After that, they started babbling and sort of arguing about how important Onikunshu's murder lists were, and how _unimportant_ they were in comparison to other things in nature. Flowers, for example. (We could hear his voice shrieking, "EVIL PETITE FLOWERS OF THE WIMPY FIELDS! BURN THEM ALL DOWN!!!") I could feel the awkward stares from my fellow authors pressing on my back as I searched for other sources of help. The presence of the stares maddened me slightly. It was like Edgar Allan Poe's _The Tell-Tale Heart_*.  
  
"Okay!" I exclaimed, finally turning around to face them. "So he's a bit psychotic too! But aren't we all?!"  
  
But then I discovered... that it was_ not_ the gaze of my companions that were upon me.... I can recall the moment ever so clearly. The eyes, huge, big, blue, round, shiny, perty-ful**, and... stuff! The pale skin was stretched perfectly over a perfectly shaped face. And the texture of the skin! Smooth. White and creamy. Pale not like death, as were some of my characters, but pale like the fairness... of stars! Evil stars that glared down upon me from their sockets in the eyes of mighty Varda herself. Varda I had admired, but the pure light of the elves... oh Manwë, I was so frightened. It glowed in her features like... like radioactive nuclear waste in the process of being launched to the Sun at a five-billion point nine velocity, using the energy of a thousand volts of lightning, hurling through the many galaxies (even if the Sun is in our galaxy) only so that it may be devoured by the massive gap of gravity!... with many glowing lighsticks attached to it!  
  
Oh! I also jumped out of the tree screaming for my life.  
  
**~*~**  
  
I found everyone in my office after I had searched the campus. Phantom and Amarth were near Joe's desk, chatting quietly and darkly about something serious. Kitty, Newmoon, Coffeegirl, and Penelope had found the deck of abandoned playing cards under my desk, and were currently playing "War", the endless cardgame resembling advantage and conquering... and defeat. Kitty frowned as Newmoon tossed an Ace on top of the pile. I sighed.   
  
Using my eyes would not help me to identify the other guests in my office. There were new voices coming from different parts of the file cabinet. Thus, only my ears could help me find newcomers. Oh, and my sense of touch helped too, because some few blinks after that, a drawer burst open and I found myself in a tight head-lock from Naurglahad. She was grinning evilly at me, fingering a light green grape in her hand.  
  
"AIEE!" I shrieked, pointing at the grape. "HEALTHY FOOD STUFFS IN MY OFFICE! HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING? NOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
Naurglahad smacked my head to prevent me from going totally hysterical. "No time to whine," she said calmly. She took a seat in my chair behind my desk. "The Mary-Sues," at this point, she popped the grape into her mouth. I paled. Forbidden nutrition... "Are beginning to populate FFNH. We can't stand here like this. It's not like too many of them listen to Creative Critique either!"   
  
She jumped out of the chair and took swift strides to the Fiction Dome. Pressing a random button on the keyboard, she called into the speaker microphone, "Wisdom! Ember! Get out here! And you too, Elenmir!" The two elves and mortal stumbled out of the Fiction Dome. "Jack! Blue! Ted! Out here, double-time!" Jack trudged out the doorway, as if he did not enjoy tolerating orders from a nagging female. But he kept his mouth shut and led his fellow outlaws out of the Fiction Dome.  
  
"Let's see..." Her emerald green eyes scanned all six OC's. "Ah. Ari! Kallo! Where are you?"  
  
"Argh. She called me Kallo! You're getting everyone on to calling me that! Why?"  
  
"I don't know. Just because I love you."  
  
Naurglahad took no hesitation in sticking a knife up to Ari's face. "I don't want the sappy stuff." Ari paled slightly. She was one of Kitty's OCs. Ari, or Arlotiel, had blue eyes, but red hair, perfectly good enough to avoid the Mary-Sue blonde hair. And Kallo, Morikallo, really, was a guard of Rivendell with dark hair and brown eyes. As their story proceeded***, Morikallo was sent to Rivendell by Elrond, where Ari attacked him (well, actually kinda' accidentally fell on him... she thought she killed him, though). Even though these two were quite the opposite in personalities, Morikallo was dark as Ari was very happy, they would eventually fall in love, as Kitty has predicted and announced to readers.  
  
"No sappy stuff!" Naurglahad repeated, twirling her knife and sheathing it back into her scabbard. "I'm feeling anti-romance at the moment."  
  
Everyone's eyes immediately averted to Onikunshu in expectation for him to say something like: "I'm always anti-romance. You inherit it from me!" But instead, he kept staring down at the silver chain still wrapped around his ankle. We flinched as his dark green eyes turned up to Morikallo. "You see this?" He pointed down at the chain sternly. Morikallo nodded. "This is going to be_ you_ in twenty years after you and that she-elf get together. Watch your back."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," grumbled Naurglahad, waving her father's warning aside with her hand. "Whatever." She rubbed her left temple with her left index and middle fingers. "We have a serious problem here. The Mary-Sue's are on the rampage. And sadly, I don't think my sniper gun is going to be enough to take them all out."  
  
"Evil reincarnation powers..." muttered Newmoon.  
  
"Right." She began pacing around the room. "Now... I agree with Amarth. This really could be a setup."  
  
"It's a trap," said Penelope. "It must be."  
  
"We almost got killed when we went searching for it... _right after the telephone!_" She slammed her hand on Joe's desk, causing a few of his papers to fly off and flutter to the green carpet. "This isn't right."  
  
"No," muttered Jack. "Of course it's not right."  
  
"A pretty clever monster we have here," said Blue, crossing his arms.  
  
"Very clever," agreed Coffeegirl.  
  
"But not clever enough to outsmart any Ryunarasu, I should say," shot Onikunshu suddenly. He blinked as his eyes widened. "Holy Sirwe***! I just contributed to the conversation! That's not right!" He yanked open a drawer of the file cabinet and stepped in, completely falling into its fictional abyss of storage space. He vanished.  
  
"We need alliances," continued Naruglahad. "We need our _own_ support group. We could not be the only ones that have seen the flyer!"  
  
"So it all boils down..." started Phantom.  
  
"To either get to that clue," I concluded. "Or take action _now_!"  
  


* * *

  
*Great freaky story. Edgar Allan Poe creeps me out a bit though...  
**"pretty-ful"  
***Read Kitty's fic: Love Never Fails  
**** Sirwe- Ryunarasu deity. See my site: http://naheka.tripod.com/  
  


* * *

  
It's my birthday on Monday! I finally get to turn thirteen! I've been wanting to be an official teenager for... a really really long time! YES! And now, because I'd feel uncomfortable posting an actual individual fic, I'll do my little parody right here.  
  
**CONVERSATION SECTION #1: THE BIRTHDAY PARODY**  
**Naheka: **Yay! I get to turn thirteen!  
**Naurglahad:** You mean that all this time, I've been ordered around by a wimpy twelve-year old?!!  
**Naheka:** I'm not wimpy! (mutters) Just sensitive...  
**Naurglahad: **You wuss.  
**Naheka:** SHUT UP!  
**Naurglahad: ** We should all shut up!  
**Everyone: **...(silence)  
**Naheka:** Thanks, OC! You just killed my birthday parody!  
**Naurglahad:** You're welcome!  
**Naheka:** (smacks her forehead)  
**Naurglahad:** Anytime!  
**END  
**   
  



	8. The First Assault

**Disclaimer:** **I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. All author's used with permission. That includes: Phantom, Amarth, Newmoon, Penelope, Kitty, and Coffeegirl. The OC's go as the following: Phantom- Jack, Blue, and Ted. Penelope- Ember Whitefire and Wisdom Blade. Kitty-Ari, Morikallo, and Elenmir. I own all the others.**  
  


* * *

  
  
**Author's Note:**  
Happy Sunday! I think this chapter is a bit longer... It looks so by the scroll bar. The story is starting to get tragic. But it's all for a thick plot... hopefully not too thick. And please excuse me if the writing in this chapter confuses you just a bit. I was very ill while I was writing some of this, and when I'm sick, I cannot concentrate on my vocabulary and flow. Special thanks to Phantom for making me feel... special! Yay!   
Oh! And since Joe didn't want to give all readers a slice of staling Mordorian chocolate birthday cake, he just finished baking several batches of double-fudge brownies. Take as many pieces as you like. I'll keel over and die if I have my nineteenth slice.  
**Joe:** I fear you all imploding if you don't have enough pastries... And if you explode, then... too bad? _(runs off)_  
  
My site, _Dragon Eye Ryunarasu_, has been updated! Be sure to post a message on the board thingy. I'm not sure how it works, but I put it up there to get comments from visitors. I believe I forgot to mention that there were a few more details contributed in the 'What's New?" page. There's also a new story concerning why the eye is the symbol of the Ryunarasu. Look around in the 'Legends' page. The Deity drawings overlap the text, and I am going hysterical. WHY?! STOP! OVERLAPPING! DRIVING! ME! CRAZY! ...ahem. Well, they look a bit better... I guess. The URL is http://naheka.tripod.com/   
  
Oh! And if you like _Harry Potter_ (the movie... was very "wow". But Two Towers will definitely steamroll it), be sure to visit my friend's site, http://lilyrw1.tripod.com/theplaceforwizards She likes that visitor number going up.  
  
...Tally-ho!  
  


* * *

  
  
THE FILE CABINET  
  
  
  
"I say we take action!" exclaimed Amarth boldly, putting a fist on Joe's desk.  
  
Naurglahad kicked the door open, nearly taking out my_ Onimusha_ poster with the blow. "Then let's get out of here!"  
  
But suddenly, her energetic pounce out of the room was interrupted by a huge transparent block that came hurling though the doorway like an uncontrollable bullet-train. It alone was as big as my desk and Joe's desk put together. It flew over Naurglahad's head, ran right over the card game in the center of the room, collided off a wall, rebounded off the Fiction Dome, and gracefully slid to a halt with an intimate prod at Naurglahad's left thigh, which was revealed in the high cut of her black dress.  
  
"AUGH! IT BURNS! BUT IT'S _COLD_!"  
  
It was an amazing thing to watch Naurglahad, heir to the throne of the almighty Ryunarasu clan, skilled bounty hunter, elite assassin, and all-around "shut up and back off before I beat the crud out of you"... hop up and down on the spot in front of my doorway, screaming and moaning in utter pain and hysteria. She was rubbing her left thigh frantically, rocking back and forth with a salty tear coming down her paling cheek.  
  
"Too many people cry in this story," I thought to myself as the situation became even _more_ ironic when Onikunshu jumped into the scene.  
  
"Hush, daughter," he said softly, hugging Naurglahad gently as she kept sobbing.   
  
At that moment, I had turned a white-green as I took no hesitation in leaping across the room to the corner, where a battered cardboard box lay. I used this as my "thinking lair" where I plotted insane ideas. This time, I turned it over my head, and hid in the darkness of my own imagination. Unfortunately, there was a hole in the box right in front of my face, so that I was forced to see the _horrid_ mush that was occurring at the door.  
  
"Don't worry about it," Onikunshu continued, cautiously eyeing the enormous block that took up half of the room. "The ice is out to get us all. You did not need to see that."  
  
Naurglahad was rocking back and forth insanely.  
  
"...I don't get it," said Narcisuss, tugging slightly at the chain.  
  
"...I think Ryunarasu have like... a fear of ice or something," I concluded out loud from inside my box. "I just invented a weird quality to them, I didn't even mean to.... Dude! Freakish!" Then I started rocking back and forth insanely.  
  
Phantom and Amarth were on the verge of leading the other Authors out of the room, until Naurglahad spontaneously jumped up and screeched, "NO! I MUST LEAD YOU PATHETIC FOOLS!"  
  
"THE AUTHOR'S ARE NOT PATHETIC FOOLS... YOU FOOL!" countered I, standing up in defense with the cardboard box still on my head. "ARGH! SHUT UP! YOU ALWAYS GET IN THE WAY!" Strong stand. Clenched fists. "HEY! YOU JUST INVADED MY PARAGRAPH! TWO PEOPLE DO NOT SPEAK--" "IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH! BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA! THAT'S ALL I HEAR FROM YOU! THAT'S WHY AUTHOR'S ARE PATHETIC FOOLS!" A lunge. A wild cry. A hard landing. Broken limbs. "NOOOO! MY BOX!" "YES! I LAUGH AT YOUR PAIN!" Retorts. Strangling. Pain. Throb. Strain. Throb. Pain. "ARGH!" "ARGH!"   
  
"Well," sighed Amarth, tilting her head. "It's not really _that_ hard to read..."  
  
"But still," interrupted Phantom.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
However... while Naurglahad and I were in our wild brawl as everyone had their attention turned to us, no one in the room noticed a pair of long, pale, slender fingers with pink, neatly filed nails, sneak silently through the doorway. Its fingers twiddled in mid-air, ever so eager to grab its victim. And unbeknownst to all Authors and OCs, the nearest living object closest to the door... was Onikunshu.  
_  
Swipe!_  
  
"FRIGU!*"  
  
"Augh!"  
  
With a loud rustle of chains, and a slight whirlwind, the fight between myself and Naurglahad stopped. Everyone turned. Our eyes widened. Both Onikunshu and Narcisuss were nowhere to be seen.  
  
"Th... They're gone!" cried Penelope and Coffeegirl simultaneously. Phantom looked quite alarmed, yet her brow curved in assertive confusion. Amarth looked the same, while practically everyone else went parchment white. My hands became clammy, and so did Naurglahad's, judging by the dampness I began to feel on her grip upon my neck.  
  
"_Who saw that_?" she screamed suddenly, stumbling to a determined and furious stand. "_Tell me!_" She grabbed poor Wisdom, who was unfortunately the one standing furthest from the fight, and second closest to the door. Her left fist grabbed his collar, and her right was a rolled knuckle on the verge of pounding straight at his fist. "_Tell me who did this_! _I will not tolerate this until I know who stole my mother and father!_"  
  
"That's it!" boomed Phantom. "It's obvious that whoever threw that ice block at us was the one who got them. And by the way, it's dry ice." She indicated the white wisps rising from the white, crystalline surface. "This foe is starting to get way too annoying! It has Naurglahad crying out for the salvation of her parents! The two people who abandoned and abused her for her whole life! This is definitely out of the ordinary!"  
  
"Then let's go shoot the damn Mary Sue!" shouted Jack, whipping out a pistol and firing a stinging bullet at the dry ice. The bullet stuck straight in the block, creating a chain of intricate cracks along the circumference of the bullet's location.  
  
"I'm up for that." _Click. Click._ Naurglahad had derived a shotgun from out of nowhere. Justifying by her trembling finger rubbing the trigger carefully and eagerly, I guessed that it was already loaded, and probably the most dangerous format of a shotgun she could lay her hands on... which was just about any type of gun made. "For the last time, _let's go_!"  
  
In a dark swish, she had bounded out of the room. Like the wind of Gwaihir's** wings, the remaining OC's had also taken off after her. At the normal human speed, Phantom, Amarth, Newmoon, Coffeegirl, and Penelope dashed out. Kitty was midway through the doorway before she turned on her heel and called for me.  
  
"Come on, Naheka! This is serious action here!"  
  
I did not reply. Kitty stopped calling for me. She saw what I had in my hand; a thin piece of paper, bright, neon pink. Evil pink. That evil, ever reoccurring pink. Scrawled in a messy print were the few phrases in dark purple ink:  
  
" wEre FiRe bEkUmz ice.... nd IcE BeKums fIrE. tutCh dis blOk, & U bUrn. OuR 1sT kLOo. wE toLd u guYZ................ Now LooK wUt haPpnd................................ anD sTop wiT 'dIs "crEatIve CriTiqUe". Ur flams LIke, TotTallY cRaSh oUr dReams + stuFF. SO ther!***"  
  
The note fluttered to the floor as I read the last line. For what seemed an eternity, my feelings and thoughts boiled in my mind. What does this really mean?  
  
I decided to think about it later as I picked up the note, jammed it in my jean's pocket, and ran out of the room with Kitty.  
  
  
** ~*~  
**   
"Hey, guys! Wait up!"  
  
"No time, you petty weaklings! My biological family is at stake!"  
  
I grumbled in frustration with my first OC again as I continued jogging after the large crowd of anti-MarySue'ers. Both Kitty and I had caught up to them when they had turned a hideously sharp corner, right round a landscape designed to look something like Emyn Muíl or Mordor, for half of the team kinda' slammed right into each other when they failed to halt before crashing into a rocky, bramble covered cliff wall.  
  
"Ouch," came a muffled grunt from Morikallo, who was probably one of the victims prey to being at the front of the line, thus first to crash into the wall.  
  
"Beep! Beep! Back up, everyone!" exclaimed Penelope in attempt to get all OC's and Author's out of the tangle.  
  
One by one, I watched each member weave out of the jammed college, and retake a place in the marching line. But unfortunately---  
  
"Those better not be brambles," sighed Jack, frowning as he prodded a few vines. The scenario? Poor Blue had his head caught in a chain of weeds that were manifesting within the crannies of the wall. "And this time, it wasn't even out of curiosity." He sighed again when Blue had stopped struggling and suddenly became stationary, his head hanging in the weeds, his body slouched.  
  
"Here," grunted Naurglahad, shoving Jack out of the way and taking out not a switch-blade, but one of her nine-inch knives.  
  
"NO! NOT THOSE!"  
  
Naurglahad raised a furious, yet rather amused eyebrow down at me as soon as she found me clinging to her wrist, pulling back as hard as I could. She booted me off like a stubborn donkey to a foolish rider, and I stumbled to the ground in a painful fall. The semi-sharp rocks did not help make the fall anything comfortable. I string of shredded weeds came falling onto my face a few moments later, and I heard footsteps scraping against the surface of the earth.  
  
I decided to just lay there for no apparent reason. I had a habit of doing that.   
  
But my decisions were automatically altered when I saw an enchanting golden light rebound against the ugly rocks softly, like a herald of glorious angels coming to subdue the sadistic demons that lurk in the bowels of Hell. ....It was Mary-Sue.  
  
"Guys..." I stuttered. I scrambled to my feet and pounced on someone's shoulders. That someone just happened to be Newmoon, and she almost fell flat on her face. "Sorry--Hurry! I'm serious!"   
  
Naurglahad turned about one more time to tell me to just shut up, but her mouth sagged right midway through her first vowel. Her green eyes were lit with the golden light. She paled for a moment, but rapidly, she turned a furious red.   
  
"Let's get it!" shouted Ember, suddenly stringing an arrow into his bow. All three outlaws were instantly ready with pistols, and Naurglahad was already charging out into battle, a gleaming long-sword at her side. Wisdom looked ready to defend, as I scuttled through the OC crowd to hide amongst my fellow Authors.  
  
"You'll protect me, right?" asked Ari, nudging Morikallo in suggestion.  
  
"I'll defend you," he corrected in response, crossing his arms in confirmation.  
  
Ari's further replies were drowned by Naurglahad's extreme war cries. Beads of sweat caused by intensity streamed down her cheeks as she dived under the fired bullets from behind her. With a mighty swing, she pulled her first assault on the Mary-Sue, which was an arching swipe into the air and down onto the head of the opponent. She was confident that it would bring the accursed maiden to her end. No one had ever survived this move unless---  
  
"SHE'S ARMED!" cried Wisdom.  
  
Sparks flew from clashing blades. A radiant, gleaming white sword, blazing like Heaven itself was raised horizontally into the air, blocking against Naurglahad's vertical sword. The Mary-Sue_ was_ armed. '_Of course she is!_' I thought in panic. '_Mary-Sue's are perfect fighters!_' The length was a great one, just as long as Naurglahad's (that means about five or six feet). The hilt also shone with its almighty glow, painted gold and silver, probably of elvish craft. The very presence of the blade seemed to overcome Naurglahad's, which had the darkest shade of silver for a blade. As for the hilt, it bore no glory, except in the symbolic strokes of red that were painted across the grip. It was the blood of foes that supplied that scarlet gleam. And by the fire burning in the assassin's eyes, the lovely rose red that tainted the Mary-Sue's perfect cheeks would be the next to come on the hilt... in a liquid form.  
  
_ Bang!_  
  
Jack's aim was always true with a gun. He looked a bit uncomfortable shooting at a woman, but a bullet had spiraled through the air and found a comfortable spot in the Mary-Sue's right arm. But strangely, it had absolutely no effect.  
  
"She's wearing _mithril_!" Phantom hollered in warning. "It's obvious! Under her jacket!"  
  
Naurglahad's assassin instincts told her to whip out a knife and cut her opponent's jacket, but because Mary-Sue was a perfect fighter... Naurglahad could not block that perfect swipe from some mysterious power that Mary-Sue beheld. Naurglahad was no match for it.  
  
"NOOO!" Elenmir held me back with her right arm, preventing me from racing out into the battlefield. "YOU DAMN SUE! YOU JUST FRICKIN' KILLED MY OC!" My language really burst off after that.  
  
Naurglahad fainted to the ground, her blood seeping from the wound in her stomach. The Mary-Sur grumbled in slight disgust, but without hesitation, she picked up Naurglahad, and slung her over her shoulder. I cried out again as those accursed pink nails touched my creation. I turned very, very red. Then, Mary-Sue took off around the sharp corner, the golden light fading out of our sight.  
  
  
  
  
Mary-Sue had kidnapped Onikunshu, the sadistically wise man of a thousand insults. He was darker than anyone could know, but something about him would let you know that he cared. Mary-Sue had stolen Narcisuss, the optimistic woman who was actually an evil sorceress on the inside. She annoyed people, but when things got serious, she could get assertive. Because of Mary-Sue, she never got a chance to show it.  
  
Now, Mary-Sue had taken Naurglahad the assassin we all feared, and the one most readers enjoyed reading about. She was my first creation. My very first creation. But now she was gone.  
  
And there was nothing I could do about it.  
  


* * *

*Frigu= Sachaudatha curse word.  
**Gwaihir was the name of the eagle that saved Gandalf from Isengard and from atop Caradhas too, right?  
***Translation: Where fire becomes ice, and ice becomes fire. Touch this block, and you burn. We told you guys. Now look what happened. And stop with this "creative critique". Your flames like, totally crash our dreams and stuff. So there.  
  
  
  
Before you leave, be sure to take a brownie! I CAN'T EAT 'EM ALL MYSELF! And visit my friend's site! http://lilyrw1.tripod.com/theplaceforwizards .  And perhaps just a little question; I'm suddenly considering going into fanart too as another hobby aside from fanfiction. It, of course, will not budge any time into my writing periods. Judging by my drawings on my site... should I go for it?  
  
  
_Peace to all, and to all a good death,  
Naheka_  
  
  



	9. The Damnation of MarySue

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. All Author's used with permission.  
  


* * *

  
**Author's Note:**  
Happy Friday! Here's an early chapter! Uh... do I have any announcements... er... *flips through her Author Note book. Like many of the other pages, they are merely doodles and scribbles of Legolas getting decapitated* Oh! I do have an announcement!   
Attention all Legolas-Bashers! I am working on a site specifically made for bashing Movie-Legolas and the prissy Legolas that the wimpy fangirls make up. I hope you all enjoy flaming and taunting this maimed version of what used to be Tolkien's proud, admirable, and wise elf-figure. Tolkien's Legolas is not meant to be offended on the site, only the other two. Thanks.  
I am also currently working on a Mary-Sue bashing site! Won't that be so much fun? Of course it will! Yay!  
Oh! And **BEWARE OF EXTREME MUSH IN THIS CHAPTER!!! BEWARE OF SAPPINESS!!! BEWARE OF EVIL MUCKY SQUISHY TENDERNESS!!! I HAVE A GRUDGE AGAINST THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE OF IT EVIL MUSH!!!   
**But I suppose that after such a "tragedy", Naruglahad dying like that, you gotta' have some mush as the aftermath.  
  
_ -Naheka_  
  


* * *

THE FILE CABINET  
  
  
"_Fine then!_" I shouted, spit flailing from my mouth as tears came down face cheeks again. "_Get the hell out of my face later, you damn Mary-Sue! I'll kick your frickin' ass later! Get outta' here!_"   
  
Elenmir let her arm down and I stomped a few feet forward, shaking my fist in pure rage and anger. This was bad. This was terrible. This sucked! My OC's were stolen by a band on Mary-Sue's, obviously preying on the accomplishment of bringing me down to my feet. But why? Why me? So what if I bashed a couple Sue's here and there? I tried to be friendly when I gave my creative critique. I was just trying to help... But I got hurt anyway.  
  
"Naheka."  
  
A cold hand came down on my shoulder. As its grip hardened, there was a slight squeak. Without turning, I said, "Joe. Your mits need oil again." I slipped my fingers into my pocket, pulling out a silver key attached to a rubber, yellow ring with the red elvish scripture painted on it. I held it over my shoulder, my wrist drooping in depression. "Here's the key. I'll meet you up at the office later."   
  
Joe took the key, but I didn't hear the creak of his metal shoes walking away. "Well... You can go now..." I felt his grip loosen, but it didn't leave me. We stood there for a very long time, swaying not an inch with the occasional breezes that passed us by. "Y'know," I sighed, finally turning to face his dark, hooded face. "There are a lot of things you can say to me without words..."  
  
He was surprisingly warm for a cold, undead Ringwraith, as I had soon discovered, falling into the blackness of his tattered and torn robes, crying and sobbing unlike anyone else had in the story. I hugged him tightly, rocking back and forth as he gave my comforting pats on my back. For what seemed years, I cried into his chest, muttering the same words, "_You're my best friend. How do you do that?_" I kept crying.   
  
Finally, he kneeled in front of me, stroking the top of my head gently. "Remember that bumper sticker you gave to me once?"  
  
"The..." I smiled slightly, "The one I slapped over your horse's mouth last April?"  
  
"Yeah. That one. Remeber what it said?"  
  
"...No. I can't remember, you know I don't have a good memory---"  
  
"_Sssh_. It said 'Has anyone asked _you_ to be crucified?'."  
  
I stopped crying suddenly. I was still amazed at how Joe could do the things he could do. He had never heard of the word "Amen" once in all his thousand years of his life, yet he could relate my troubles to my Christian religion. It was so cool. Joe somehow knew how Jesus had wrecked his life for us. He died. And Joe, reminding me that I hadn't suffered the most... well... I really felt much better.  
  
"Yeah!" exclaimed Phantom suddenly in excitement. "Has anyone asked you to duel a Balrog..."  
  
"And fall off a bridge into an abyss to save your fellowship?" finished Amarth in the same tone.  
  
Newmoon added to the conversation. "Has anyone asked you to get shot---"  
  
"By a rampaging herd of Uruk-hai? To save the lives of your halfling companions, even if they got snatched anyway?" said Kitty.  
  
"And has anyone asked you to sacrifice your immortality to be with the one you love?" asked Coffeegirl.  
  
"She doesn't have immortality, Coffeegirl," muttered Penelope.  
  
"Well... it fits... sorta'."  
  
I couldn't help smiling at all of my companions, both Author and Nazgul. I couldn't forget the OC's either, grinning slightly in the background. I sighed, my shoulders relaxing in comfort.   
  
"Then let us be... be our own Fellowship!" I announced suddenly. The preaching and ranting genetics inherited from my maternal grandmother kicked in. "We shall be an alliance of Authors," my eyes scanned my six companions, "Mortals," Jack, Blue, Ted, and Wisdom shared looks of agreement, "Immortals," Ember, Morikallo, Ari, and Elenmir smiled in pride, "... and the ones who are not immortal, but live a long life." At this point, I turned to face the corner where the Mary-Sue had ran along. It was empty except for the fresh, red bloodstains that puddled upon the rocks of the earth. "And who are not here at the moment. Two human-dragons, whose lives are long and slow; and a misled woman who sold her soul to Darkness for a second chance in later times have been taken into the very bowels of Mary-Sue, Fanfiction Hell.... And those Sue's..." I punched the air with my fist. "They'll _all be damned!_ _Let's hit them upside the head with what we got!_"  
  
"_Yeah!_"  
  
"Follow me, all!" barked Joe through the energetic cheers that were begining to bubble. "I have a plan that'll get them good. I promise."  
  
"Joe," I said, tugging him by his collar. "If you had a face, I would kiss you. Did you know that?"  
  
"For some reason, I wish I didn't."  
  
I punched him in jest on his shoulder, following him north, wherever he was about to lead us. This wasn't going to go down into failure... this was going up into a nice, bloody victory!  
  
"Hey!" shouted Phantom. "Let's sing our marching song!"  
  
We all laughed loudly and smiled as we inhaled.  
  
"Oooohh_.....To Mary-Sue!   
Though Mary-Sue be hardly loved, and written by few of little brain,  
Though Mary-Sue still breathes alive, doom we promise to rain!  
We go, we go, we go to war! To hew ideas and break its pride,  
For literature itself we go to war! Our hate no longer kept inside!  
To story of fraud with joy we trod, killing is fun!  
We come! We come!  
To Mary-Sue with doom we come!  
With doom we come, with doom we come!_"  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
My eyes eased open. There was a small light above my head, blocked by two sillhouttes that were hovering over my vision. I blinked in attempt to get everything into focus swiftly. From the million times I had fainted, I had gotten used to this confusing and bewildering transition. I simply hate not knowing what's going on. It irks me like none other force that I know... aside from losing anything I want.  
  
"Nauri... Nauri..." This voice was clear, tender, and smooth.  
  
_Nauri?_ What the---?  
  
"That's a good girl." The figure on my left came close to me and pulled me into a warm embrace. It felt so new to me, but for some reason, it felt familiar. "Mmm. It's been years since I've held my baby in my arms again."  
  
I managed to clear my throat and cough roughly, "Who the _'ell _are _you_?"  
  
"Oni, what did you _do_ to her?"  
  
"It is how my family has raised her," said a deeper voice, rougher, yet more supportive than the last. "I cannot defy my traditions, and I have done nothing."  
  
"If you cannot defy your traditions, then why did you have this child with me?"  
  
"Because... I had loved you..."  
  
I felt another warm source press against me, but it seemed to be reaching for the first figure more than myself.  
  
"All these years..."  
  
My vision finally became perfectly clear. I looked up. I immediately grimaced. My parents were in love again. How utterly disgusting and hideously sickening. I hated it. And they loved it. Immediately averting my eyes away from the gruesome scene, I examined every facet, crack, and surface of my visual surroundings from afar. I intended to get out of this nightmare as soon as possible... and maybe beat up a few people along the way. Mommy and Daddy would be first if they didn't stop..._ ugh_. Nevermind.  
  
As an assassin, tracking your prey is an important quality needed in order to get your job done. So _of course_ I didn't give up when I didn't find anything going towards means of escape on the blank white walls in front of me. I closed my eyes, and let my nose do the action. Truthfully, my sense of smell is at least three times better than my eyesight.  
  
"That corner," I snapped suddenly, pointing a finger toward the furthest area at the corner of my eye. "That corner has a different scent, apart from the others. If someone can give me a boost, I'll rip it open with a knife, and we can bust outta' here."  
  
With both elbows, I bumped my parents apart and sharply sat up straight.  
  
"Ouch!" I clutched my rib. A sharp pain had hit me like a whip there. "What the f---"  
  
"No more language, dear."  
  
I gave an annoyed glare to Narcisuss, knocking her slender finger pressing against my lips in attempt to stop me from cussing. Surprisingly, her hand had come flying out of nowhere and smacked me lightly in the face. She grabbed my wrist and gave it a death grip* with her fist, which was, also surpringly, very strong. But I suppose that's the kind of grip you have when you were actually a Dark Sorceress. You have to have the iron act down when you hold that black staff...   
  
"I don't want that attitude from you," she growled. I flinched slightly in fear as the emerald green of her eyes --ever so similar to my own, yet very different by tone-- glowed blood red for a millisecond. "I am superior to you..."  
  
She thrust my hand aside and I scooted back across the... green plushy grass? Wait. I was just in a blank room earlier... How did the floor turn green? Although this riddle definitely baffled me beyond all reason, I set it aside in order to simply scream out of pure horror. I had looked up for my father's reaction, only to discover that he was... well, at the moment not _right_ in the head.   
  
For if he _was_ right in the head, he would _not_ be giving those kinds of... looks... _signals_ to Narcisuss. She noticed them, and started giggling uncontrollably.  
  
Though my stomach felt like someone had dissected it and removed my spleen, I would do anything to get away from that atrocious folly! I believe that my face turned the smae color as the grass as I flipped onto my abdomen and began clawing across the ground, _away_ from them. They were drving me mad... I kept crawling, moving, escaping... that is, until I met a pair of bright sterling silver shoes right up in my face. I looked up.   
  
I didn't gasp. I grunted and prepared to fire a glop of spit right on those shoes. It was my sworn enemy... the Mary-Sue.  
  
"You... you fool," I said acidly. "You have no idea how _badly_ you screwed up my day... and my life." She said nothing to me as I got to my feet. Suddenly, I noticed a clear, reflective pool that sat quietly beside myself and the Mary-Sue. I glared into the reflection in gave us. Mary-Sue was perfect. Her shape, her size, her build, her dress style, her hair, her skin. Everything was perfect. As for myself... I thought I looked like a bloody soldier that Darkness ressurected from the bowels of Shadow for the sole purpose of revenge. My skin was paling like death, eyes baggy in tire and toil, and it seemed as if my bones were broken, so I slouched in my frustration and annoyance. Dark red was patched here and there on my cheeks and ribcage, not to mention my right arm. I looked like a total wreck.  
  
And that's _exactly_ how I like it.  
  
At that moment, I knew that I had inherited my mother's iron grip as I took the Mary-Sue's collar, and rose her about a foot into the air. My fist was strong as I kept her up there, my voice a threatening tone used only for my special assassin moments.   
  
"Truth be told, I really am a Dragon." The Mary-Sue blinked those baby-blue eyes at me without question. "I'm only half human. But I suppose you already knew that, didn't you? You Miss Prissy Frissy Guy Killer? You _Perfectionist!_ _You Slutty Intellegable Idiot! Isn't that right?_" I slammed her up against a tree, hoping that I would smash her medulla in the process.   
  
Mary-Sue was being her courageous self, speaking not a word to me. She kept staring at me...  
  
"Well..." I dropped her to the earth. "It seems you've stolen my knives." I brushed my palm against my waist at my belt. No weapons were held there anymore. "And you probably figured that I don't like people taking my stuff. So... as your punishment..."  
  
At this point, I transformed. I was a coal black dragon, with a long neck and thrashing tail, lined with dark green fin-scales. My great wings were also a very dark green, as my talons, very lightly bloodstained, were heavy and dead fatal. _I rock_.  
  
"You die."  
  
I launched myself at the Mary-Sue, this time aware of whether she would be carrying a sword or not. She had none. I opened my mouth, barring thousands of sharp teeth, moist with poisonous saliva, ready to bite that Mary-Sue's head off. The messier the better.  
  
But then---  
  
_ BANG!_  
  
I was suddenly cringing on the ground. My head hurt so badly. Yet, oddly, that was the only thing hurting. The rest of my body didn't hurt anymore. I rolled over on the earth, strands of my dark hair falling over my face. I found myself staring back into my reflection. I looked to it for support, something to motivate me... but instead, I found despair.  
  
I. Looked. _Perfect_.  
  
My skin turned from death, to starlight. My eyes were not acid green, they were as beautiful as the earth's mantle. The stressful expression on my face was now a timidly curious gaze. I looked so beautiful.  
  
...I_ hated_ it.   
  
That's when I realized. "This..." I rose and faced the Mary-Sue again, but this time in a energetic perpetual bound. "This is a--a spell! Some kinda' crap like that! And those people!" I pointed a shaking finger at Onikunshu and Narcisuss, together in their own happy little word. "You've mezmerized them! You've killed them! You damn---You... you..." My mouth sagged. "How dare thy Dark powers be used against my parents! Art thou not aware of what terrible consequences thou hast unleashed? Thy punishment be---oh shit."  
  
Forget it. It was inevitable.   
  
_ I had been turned into a Mary-Sue._  
  


* * *

Isn't this the most tragic story you've EVERRRR READ?!?! Oh, and to those who hadn't figured it out and to those who wish this be confirmed, after the asterisk break [~*~], it changes to Naurglahad's POV. And as for the content above the asterisk break... don't get _any_ ideas about me and Joe. If you do, I will not send for the Nazgul to come and cleave your head off. I'LL DO IT _MYSELF_!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Happy Friday! Hope you enjoyed the chapter in all of its hideous sap! The next one will be much better.  
  
_-Naheka_  
  



	10. The Escape

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I do not own the idea of 'exploding into many clones', or the Emancipation Proclamation. The clone idea belongs to Lily C., and Abraham Lincoln wrote the Emancipation Proclamation. All authors and OC's used by request with permission.  
  
  
**Author's Note:**  
Well, I suppose it's time to respond to reviews! I... don't think I directly asked for reviews... but... er... I kinda' got a lot of 'em! I'm near ninety on me tenth chapter! Goodness! I'm... honored. I am honored. Honored to be the one responsible for a piece of fanfiction that has recieved such excellent feedback! Not a single flame! It's... magnificent! Really.... Well, my policy is still the same; don't care for the quantity, just the quality.   
Thank you everyone. Thank you.  
  
Cheers, thanks, and... what's this? Oh! A bowl of Joe's chocolate gateau (bread pudding. It's quite good),  
_Naheka_  
  


* * *

  
  
**And... to Frodofan... who did not leave his/her e-mail address:**  
I understand your complaints and the purpose of your inquiry. However, if you would kindly read the note in the fine, yet noticeable print at the bottom of every single page on my Legolas Torture Site (http://naheka.tripod.com/legolasviolentdeath) you will note that my policy is _not_ to bring _any_ offense _or_ totrue _or_ torment etc., to JRR Tolkien's original Legolas Greenleaf. Please see the very first restriction rule on the Restrictions page. I stress that _**ALL**_ visitors to my site please view those paragraphs before moving onto others.  
And I like my black and red. I appreciate your kind and honest suggestion, but that is the theme of the site. Why? BECAUSE RED AND BLACK ROCKS! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Thank you and have a nice day,  
_ Naheka_  
  


* * *

_TALLY-HO! YEE-HAW! ON WITH THE FIC!  
  
_

* * *

  
THE FILE CABINET  
  
"What's this plan you've got here, Joe?" inquired Phantom with interest, following closely behind the Wraith as he strode across a field of smoke and ash.   
  
"You'll see," he replied coolly, turning east into Shadow, towards a labyrinth of rocks and volcanic earth.  
  
Instead of taking us out of the Mordorian-like landscape and back into FFNH's common, he led us deeper into the Darkness, surpassing the boundaries probably none of us had crossed. Through a corridor of ash, and down a valley of sulfur-smelling rocks, we clambered up a steeping rock hill, and peaked over the edge. No one could resist gasping in awe.  
  
There was a vast plain of rocks sweeping down into a horizon that seemed to end like death at the border of distant mountains, whose peaks curled like gnarled fingers with chipped nails. It was difficult to see the exact shape of the black mountains, for the sky too was tainted black with smoke and defeated flames. Although, there was a red, red sun glaring at us through the clouds of wickedness. A ring of blood-red dripped from the disc of the sun, but drops failed to fall and splatter onto the land that had died there probably so many years ago.   
  
"This place..." muttered Amarth, nudging into Penelope as we all huddled together in an uncomfortable tension, "gives me the creeps."  
  
"Well," sighed Kitty, trying to be positive, "at least no Mary-Sue would dare to cross here."  
  
"_No one_," I corrected, "would dare to cross this place."  
  
"Frodo and Sam did," said Phantom. "And those two were starving on lembas and everything."  
  
"Then I wish Frodo and Sam were here."  
  
"We still have a journey to go," announced Joe, tapping his metal-covered foot on the earth. "This is only the main entrance of the Mordor/Emyn Muil lands. If anyone wants to turn back now, you may go."  
  
No one moved.  
  
"Then we're off!"  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
It had been so many years since I've held her close to me again. It had been so many years since I've felt that strange presence in my chest. It beats like my mind when I am thinking too quickly. When I lose myself in thoughts and feelings. That was what it was like now, when I cannot sense my actions... yet I feel every fiber in my skin, my hands, caress her delicate, smooth cheek like I had those thousand years ago. It feels so wonderful to remember them again.  
  
I looked up across the silky sea of green grass towards my daughter. She was fair, enchanting, graceful, beautiful... like her mother, whose head now rests in my lap, eyes closed in a peaceful daydream. It is all so perfect now, all so tranquil...  
  
But then I remembered that I _despise_ tranquil perfection... especially when it is peaceful.  
  
"_What am I doing?!_"  
  
Narcisuss' eyes snapped open and narrowed as she slapped a hand over my mouth and tugged me behind a silver tree with bright gold leaves. With one arm, she kept my mouth shut, while the other arm was around my neck. That damn woman had me in a headlock! How dare she attempted to demote me! She pressed me against the soft bark, she removed her arm around my neck, but instead held me against the tree by my collar. Finally, she removed her hand from my mouth.  
  
"Hush," she snapped quietly. "Don't speak, don't nag, don't fuss. You almost became full prey to the Sue's back there! And you call yourself an almighty dragon-lord! Your people are in shame."  
  
I returned her comment by cursing her with the foulest words ever played on my own tongue. I wasn't quite sure how I had actually come up with those words myself... all in one sentence.  
  
"Well, you've made an excellent recovery," the woman said, a slight glint of worry and fear in her eyes. "Good for you." She tapped me on the nose. My left eye twitched. "Enough of that. We've got to get out of here."  
  
"Like I haven't noticed," I replied acidly.  
  
"Sarcasm. Simply cannot get enough of it, eh?"  
  
"Never."  
  
"Shut up. I was being sarcastic."  
  
"I noticed."  
  
My eluded intentions to get her as frustrated as possible worked efficiently. "_...Wonderful! Beautiful! Excellent! Great! Terribly splendid of you!_"   
  
"Hey." I slapped my own hand over her mouth. "Don't speak, don't nag, don't fuss! We've got to get out of here!"  
  
"_Argh!_"   
  
She let me drop to the earth, turning red with anger. I was also turning red, but from hysterical laughter. I love making people upset. That is my neglected inner child. My stomach hurt as I clutched it, rolling against her feet as I could not control my actions in my happiness.  
  
"Hey!" cried a clear anonymous voice out of nowhere. "They aren't romancin' anymore!"  
  
"That is not right!" shouted another.  
  
"...uh-oh..."  
  
Amazingly, the woman kept up with me as I sprinted off in a random direction to escape the stirring Mary-Sue's. In fact, she was almost surpassing me. She defied me again. Curse her.  
  
"Hurry up!" she called over her shoulder. "Can't you run any faster?"  
  
"I can fly much faster, if that is the proper answer to your inquiry," I replied flatly.  
  
"Then get us out of here!"  
  
"'Then get us out of here!' Nag! Nag! Nag! This that blah blah, me, me, me. Is that all you're about?"  
  
"No, but for now it is!"  
  
She suddenly halted and jumped on top of me. I could feel that itching desire to scream bloody murder again. I sincerely wish she would stop pouncing on me like that. According to my chiropractor, it is actually very terrible for my spine. But the issues concerning my physical health were abruptly pushed aside as a delicate silver arrow came flying out of the sky and caught Narcisuss' tunic. The next one cut off a strand of my own hair.  
  
"Fine then! I'll move!"  
  
I never give rides to any human or to any being, but apparently she wouldn't let go of my tail as I transformed into a dragon and took off as fast as I could. I was semi hoping that she would fall off and die on the earth, but knowing the dreaded evils of the Mary-Sue's... I figured that no one deserved such torture.  
  
"Faster! Faster! Faster!"  
  
My sharper eyes caught blackened land far into the east. I could smell it clearly. Perhaps that would be a satisfactory sanctuary for myself and the dratted female that kept shouting in my ear.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
"Okay," I cleared my throat and crossed my legs, careful not to let my jeans tread on the rock I was sitting on. "My idea is to wear tinfoil on our heads, and walk around while reciting the _Emancipation Proclamation_, backwards, holding a bucket of oysters spiced with Cajun barbecue sauce! The Mary-Sue's will be _so_ confused, that they shall explode!"  
  
"Well, you got the confused part right," muttered Phantom.  
  
"Oh, but there's a downside to that!" I exclaimed suddenly. "Suppose the Sue's _explode_ into many _clones_! Then there'll be even more---_Hey!_ How about _we_ explode into many clones, and overpower the Mary-Sue population!"  
  
"Er..."  
  
"Yes! We shall be called _The Immensely Invincible Multitude of Anti-Mary-Sue Clone Army!"  
_  
"That title doesn't quite make any sense---"  
  
"Hurry! We must explode! Swiftly!"  
  
"Naheka," Amarth put a hand on my shoulder. "What exactly are we going to do when the Sue's have been defeated, and we have a million Naheka-clones wandering about?"  
  
"...You could sell them?"  
  
Hoshiko, a newly added member to our rag-tag team of Mary-Sue haters shook her head. "Suppose we accidentally sell the original clone? I mean, you?"  
  
"...Then I'm doomed."  
  
Sammy Took, also a fresh addition, inserted a comment. "Well, what is one thing that Mary-Sue's cannot stand?"  
  
"A broken nail!" suggested Coffeegirl.  
  
"Something similar to that..."  
  
"What is something Mary-Sue won't expect?" asked Penelope.  
  
"Defeat," grunted Morikallo.  
  
"Great," sighed Ari. "Ever since Onikunshu left, you've been twice as grouchy."  
  
"The empty presence of grouchiness disturbs me," he replied darkly.  
  
"Disturbed?" I inquired. "_I'm _disturbed!" I hugged my shins to my chest. "Do you hear the voices? They haunt me..." I started rocking back and forth maniacally. "They haunt me so..... Listen! They sing now! They sing! Bwahahahaha!"  
  
"The lack of her own OC's has driven her mad," sighed another new recruit, Jiana.  
  
Boom!  
  
"Hark!" I cried. "The voices tell me something has happened!"  
  
"Something definitely has happened!" remarked Newmoon. "Europa and Vana and the other OC's are out there!"  
  
We all got up and headed out of the semi-secluded arena of rocks Joe had led us to. He told us to council one another and begin plotting as he left to go round up more reinforcements. The exit was a narrow crevice, so we each had to sneak out one by one.  
  
"Europa!" called Jiana through a sudden dark mist that had passed by. "Vana! Are you all right? Hello?!"  
  
"We're fine, Jiana," coughed Vana. She staggered out of a corridor of rock, around an angular corner. Europa followed closely behind her, occasionally looking back over her shoulder. "And everyone else is fine. The OC's can't die, remember?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"What was that?" asked Hoshiko, peering through the mist.  
  
"Something huge fell from the sky and crashed..." explained Europa. "Unfortunately, I think it smashed the Muses and the OC's."  
  
"It better not be anything associated with Mary-Sue," grunted Phantom, tracing her steps into the direction which Europa came from. She looked around the corner. She gasped. "Naheka... It's Narcisuss! And Onikunshu!."  
  
"Meeee!" I squeaked, bounding around the corner after Phantom, half stumbling over my feet. I forgot to apologize as I also almost pushed her over.  
  
Narcisuss was holding onto Onikunshu as usual, gibbering senseless and useless words. She looked like she could not be any happier to be alive, as he... well, at first I thought Onikunshu had _died_. His garments were covered in soot, dirt and ash, as he was laying flat face down on the earth. He appeared to be motionless.  
  
"Holy Eru!" I screamed, grabbing Narcisuss by the collar and shaking her furiously. "You killed him! What did you do? What did the Mary-Sue's do to him! Tell meee!"  
  
"I don't know!" she shouted in retort. "We're both just lucky we made it out at all! It's just that... I think he got electrocuted by a random flying spaceship driven by aliens that were tossing... something burning out of their window."  
  
Onikunshu stirred.  
  
"He's alive!"  
  
Narcisuss stepped aside, allowing him some room to get up without whacking anyone in the face if he reacted to violently once realizing that he was filthy and beat-up. Onikunshu grumbled. He warily rose to his knees, but sat down quickly again. He looked up at the sky as if he had never seen it before. His eyes trailed from the bleeding sun, to the craggy mountains, to the earth. Then, far off at the other Author's, at me, and at Narcisuss. Looking carefully down her figure, his eyes finally rested at her hips.  
  
"What?" she snapped, crossing her arms self-consciously. "What is it?"  
  
Onikunshu pointed at her waist. "Toast."  
  
In a flash, he slipped his hand into her left pocket, and retrieved a small, rounded slice of bread. It was nearly burnt completely black. He blinked at it for a few seconds before putting half of it in his mouth, the other half sticking out. The toast slightly drooped. He crossed his legs and put his hands on his ankles, gazing curiously up at Narcisuss' face.  
  
"I have toast!" he exclaimed in a joyful, yet muffled tone. "And it's buttered!"  
  
Narcisuss' eyes suddenly went out of focus as she fainted beside Onikunshu. He looked down at her with the same curious look before nodding his head and blinking happily. "I like toast," he said to himself. A snicker came out in a light burst from my lips. I smirked. Then, I started laughing... maniacally. Sitting down on the spot, I started rocking back and forth again.  
  
Phantom frowned slightly. Turning to Amarth, she inquired, "Do you think Mary-Sue's are against insanity?"  
  
  


* * *

Okay... I apologize, but it is going to be literaturely (that ain't a real word) impossible to fit another character as a direct role in this story, as there are still more OC intros I gotta' do in the next chapter. I will have to close off the offer. Sorry.  
  
And... I won't be able to update any of my sites for an unknown amount of time because Tripod is screwing up on me... :(  
  
  



	11. The Proclamation

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to JRR Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used by request with permission.  
  


* * *

  
**Author's Note:**  
Please forgive me if I got personalities of people and OCs mixed up. There are a lot of people in this story, and I'm not asking anyone out of it. I just need to get used to writing a fic with a lot of people in it. Please notify me ASAP if there's any problems and such and such. Tripod is working again for me!   
Now... VERY IMPORTANT CONCERNING SITES! I created a third site which is now my "home" site. The URL is http://naheka.tripod.com/ It's called _nahe&joe_, and the function of the site is simply a biography and updates stuff. I didn't want to put this boring slack of text on my ff.net bio, because it would be as boring as toast without butter. To get to Dragon Eye Ryunarasu, you can check the link vault on nahe&joe, or go to the NEW URL, http://naheka.tripod.com/dragoneyeryu Legolas' Violent Death remains the same, and is currently being worked on for other torture purposes. I've collected some great ideas, and I'm ready to set 'em online!   
Also... if you don't have a grudge against Harry Potter, you can also go to my insanely stupid site for Ron Weasley's favorite Quidditch team; The Chudley Cannons! It is so stupid and so insane, that it is a parody! I love parodies! Wheeee!!! The URL is http://naheka.tripod.com/thechudleycannons  
  
Thanks for listening to me babble end on end about crud. Now _tally-ho_! and on with the fic!  
  


* * *

  
THE FILE CABINET  
  
  
"I'm not sure if Mary-Sues are against insanity," said Amarth, shifting her weight as Onikunshu gulped the last of his toast down. "But if are, they're not gonna' like dealing with us!"  
  
Onikunshu pulled the last few seconds of his "the-world-is-so-happy-and-I-am-too!" face before his expression slouched and turned back into the pessimist's smirk that he usually wore. He raised an assertive eyebrow at the staring Authors. One did not need words to tell he was asking-- no-- _demanding_ us that we stop gaping at him. Turning his head barely an inch toward Narcisuss' fainted figure, he snorted and got to his feet.   
  
"Pardon me and my resentfulness," he muttered, picking Narcisuss up and walking out of the area. "...Actually, no. I hate you all. So there. Ha. Ha." In a matter of moments, he had trudged out of our sight.  
  
"Amusing, amusing," grunted Joe. He shook his head and dusted his sleeves off. "Now, before we get back to counseling---"  
  
"Is everyone alright? Any scratches or bruises?"  
  
"Knock it off, Ted. We got squished by... I don't know. But it's not like we don't get flattened any other day."  
  
"What are you talking about? Just how many times _do_ you get run over?"  
  
"You've lost count. We all get run over."  
  
"Look at it again, Ember. The Authors are insane. This site is insane... in most parts. A random rampaging herd of orcs runs around. How can you not get squished?"  
  
"I do not recall... oh yes. We've been smushed several times.... Last week Tuesday was it?"  
  
"No, it was this morning. Some mortal kid was running away from an elf maiden."  
  
I stopped rocking back and forth and returned to my saner stance in a standing position. Ember and Wisdom were conversing of exactly how many times they've gotten trampled by randomly rampaging parties and objects, while Jack was busy trying to fight Ted off from checking to see if that was a bruise on his left cheek. Blue was edging away from them as they walked.   
  
"Where's Ari?" asked Kitty. "And Kallo?"  
  
"Argh! The petnames! Why? _Why_ did you give me a _petname_! What kind of elven warrior has a _petname_?!"  
  
"You do, Kallo!"  
  
"Nooo...."  
  
Sammy shrugged. "They seem perfectly fine to me."  
  
"Or at least as fine as they can sanely be!" I added, a hint of madness in my tone.   
  
"Okay," exclaimed Amarth. "When did you eat the sugar?"  
  
"...Well..." My voice evidently got smaller with every syllable I pronounced. "I kinda' stole some from the Great Cafeteria when... we... got... the ...flyer... yeah."  
  
"...Darn. I should've gotten some too!"  
  
"We all should have gotten some," sighed Newmoon.  
  
"Hey!" wailed Elenmir suddenly, turning to a gold glow that just died behind them. She stepped back, hands on the hilt of her sword.   
  
"That isn't a..." began Ember, preparing to string an arrow into his bow. All the OCs began to unsheathe weapons and shields. Simultaneously, the Authors took cautious steps towards the back of the scene.   
  
The gold light returned and started coming closer to us.  
  
"MARY-SUE!" screamed Hoshiko. We all prepared to run for our lives as the OCs nearly pulled their gun triggers and fired arrows.  
  
"Hold it!" cried Jiana, making her way through the crowd of Authors and OCs. "...Everyone, stop! It's Trisha! This is one of mine."  
  
"You _own_ a Mary-Sue?" inquired a shocked Vana.  
  
One of the strangest looking Mary-Sues came stepping gracefully from out behind the rocks. A red and black ringlet came down to her strong thighs, as her dark, dark green eyes scanned everyone's positions warily. Like all of the Mary-Sues, Trisha had an excellent build, but she didn't seem to want to show it all off at the moment, slouching just a bit. Well, that was something you had to count against her Mary-Sue-ishness.  
  
"Our spy," sighed Penelope.  
  
"Spy?" I asked, flustered and confused. Vana and Europa had the same looks. "Spy?! Since when did we have a spy?!"  
  
"We're preparing for war, aren't we?" countered Phantom. "We've gotta' get some inside information!"  
  
"Don't you remember?" asked Coffeegirl. "Europa and Vana were out when we counseled. You raised your hand when we voted on sending a decoy..."  
  
"But... I..."  
  
"Just accept it already!" cried a smaller voice. Everyone turned to Trisha... well, actually at Trisha's ankles. It was a white spirit-like sort of being, not much taller than a tree stump. "Trisha's got some info! So listen up before I miss the Double Jeopardy Marathon!"  
  
"You are obsessed with that show, aren't you?" asked another spirit, a purple one. He sat down beside the white and took out... a pair of knitting needles. He started knitting what seemed to be a very thick mauve scarf. "You shouldn't be watching TV. You should be preparing for the coming Ice Age!"  
  
"We shall instantly die in a blast of Mother Nature's icy coldness!" shouted a red spirit dramatically, who seemed have just popped out of nowhere. "'Tis a terrible fate, but if #3 is just being sarcastic, then he is a fool and will be strangled to death when Head Muse misses the Jeopardy Marathon."  
  
"Double Jeopardy!" corrected the white. "And it starts in..."  
  
"Three minutes!" hollered a fourth spirit.   
  
This character was probably one of the most craziest characters ever to step into our presence. Though his form was very much like his fellows, this being was not wearing a solid color, but a bright yellow with pink stripes and a weird green baseball cap.  
  
"You're attention starvation really worries me, #2," sighed #3, continuing to knit as he spoke. "Have you seen a psychologist?"  
  
"Twelve of them, really!" exclaimed #2.  
  
"Oh good Eru," grunted the Head Muse.  
  
Vana grinned through a semi-embarrased chuckle. "These are my four muses... Charming little things, aren't they?"  
  
"Incredibly," muttered Joe.   
  
Meanwhile, Trisha was busy reporting what she saw to Jiana. Both faces looked concerned and a bit burdened.   
  
"They have a new general," whispered Trisha. "She's... an amazing fighter. Her commanding skills are beyond anything I've ever seen in my life! I was only lucky to make it out of her grasp.... I've heard the Sue's. They call her 'The Iron Maiden'."  
  
Upon hearing this, I suddenly choked and gasped simultaneously. It sounded like a fish swallowing a banana or something. "They call her the what?!"  
  
"The Iron Maiden," repeated Trisha.  
  
Silence befell the muses, and I felt everyone's gaze fall on me as my head turned in shame. My skin was titling on whether I should go a furious red, or a shocked white. In result, I turned green with sickness. "The Iron Maiden translates to 'Angawende' in Sindarin, I believe; Naurglahad's elvish name..."  
  
I knew that realization had dawned on everyone.  
  
"She's gone then," sighed Phantom. "She's gone to the dark side."  
  
"...No!" I turned suddenly and looked around. There was a pathetic sloping hill of rocks in the far corner. I bounded toward this and upwards and looked out into the west. "Naurglahad never starts a war without..." I stopped short in my sentence. A white parchment envelope was peeking out at me through the rocks. My breath died. It felt like everyone's breath had died.   
  
  
Only one option. I was trembling as the envelope seemed to sting my fingers, picking it up and gently brushing my finger against the delicate crease of the opening flap.  
  
I flicked out a notecard placed inside the envelope.  
  
"It's a treaty... a treaty of war." I turned. "_We are out of time_."  
  
** ~*~**  
  
"Frank, what is this?"  
  
"It's a flyer, Al. Joe and that kid came rushing in five minutes ago saying that we had to print this flyer out to every Author in all of the LOTR category."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Read it out loud, stupid."  
  
Frank the Nazgul jammed a crumpled piece of parchment in front of Al the Nazgul's face. Al slipped a pair of reading spectacles into the darkness of his hood. Scrawled in hurried print was a sort of advertisement.  
  
**  
**_**ATTENTION ALL FANFICTION AUTHOR'S OF 382**  
  
Like the Darkness of Mordor spilling into the realms of Men and Elves and Dwarves (at this part, a carrot with "hobbits" scratched on it was inserted), a new Darkness infects our once beloved home, FFNH. No, it does not concern the latest rules banning fic types and such. This... is even deadlier. The Darkness that plagues our pages is most commonly called "The Mary-Sue".  
  
To all of those who are new and vulnerable to this specific type of fanfiction, a Mary-Sue has several definitions, although they each point to the same concept; mushy blandness. Mary-Sue can be a plot type. It is about a girl with perfect statistics (perfect, eyes, perfect hair, perfect voice, perfect body, perfect this, perfect that, and so on and so forth) who gets "transported" to Middle-earth and partakes in events that are much too bloody disgusting and fluffy to display here. Mary-Sue can also define as the character. The character is the young lady with ultimate perfection raining on her.  
  
Mary-Sues come in the largest of quantities, and now, they are beginning to become aggressive from the creative critique that intelligent and experienced Authors will tend to offer them. Many can see that they have been blinded by their artificial passion for the good looks of the movie characters. Another fault to Mary-Sue is that they are movie-fans, and pay no homage to the origin of the movie, the book written by our fondly remembered and beloved John Ronald Reuel Tolkien...  
_   
  
The letter continued on and on explaining the processes of how terrible Mary-Sue's are, but Al's Nazgul "eyes" scanned through the text carelessly until they landed in bold, red print:  
  
**_JOIN THE ARMY! SUPPORT _REAL_ LOTR FANFICTION!_**  
  
"Funny," chuckled Al, sitting down at the computer to type the message down. "All this trouble just for a stupid fanfiction story, eh, Frank?... Frank?"  
  
Al looked around. Frank had disappeared, but Al did not recall anyone opening the office door to exit. He turned left, right, over his small office cubicle, and under the nearby couch. Nothing. Sighing, he shook his head and started to plead to Morgoth that Frank hadn't left the office without him... until he saw it.  
  
A torn piece of black cloth waved in the cool air-conditioning vent on the ceiling, along with a sparkly frilly hair ribbon. Al's hearing senses immediately picked up a faint feminine cackle in the vents above him, followed by a scatter of clicking and stomping. He shuddered and shook his head, continuing to type out the message.   
  
After some time, about forty-five minutes later to be specific, the Wraith got up and lazily made for the battered oak door. He needed his black coffee, for he was on the verge of falling straight asleep on the computer and drooling all over the screen... if Nazgul can even actually drool.  
  
_Click!_ went the lock of the door as Al turned the handle... and _voosh!_ went his robes as he was also pulled up into the air vent.   
  


* * *

  
I feel like I'm not writing as smoothly as I used to. I don't know. Maybe it's just me and my stupid Algebra homework assignments... argh.  
  
But now for something that doesn't require the talent of a true writer (which I probably don't have that much of)... CONVERSATION PAGES!!! BWAHAHAHA! It's totally stupid and not even funny. Skip on out of here, or stay and read. Whichevers...  
  
**Naheka: **(_standing paralyzed in front of the review total_) Woah...  
(_cue the SpaceOdyssey2001 music_)  
**Naheka:** It's HUGE!  
**Joe:** And it's really really tall, too.  
**Naheka:** ...It's like... a hundred!... Dang!  
**Joe:** Remember in days when review totals meant everything to you?  
**Naheka:** ...No... And I don't want to remember...  
**Joe: **Why?  
**Naheka:** Because too many reviews can get head filling...  
**Joe:** Don't you mean inflating?  
**Naheka:** ...Yeah...  
**Joe:** Ai...  
**Naheka:**... meep.  
**Joe:** ...meep.  
  



	12. The Ridiculous Encounter

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to JRR Tolkien. All Authors and OC's used by request/permission.  
  


* * *

  
**Author's Note:**  
Happy Christmas!   
  
_-Naheka_  
  


* * *

  
THE FILE CABINET  
  
"That Saiyan girl," I muttered under my breath, taking the binoculars down from my dazzling green eyes. Yes, my eyes are just the most beautiful gems in the world, aren't they? Any ways... I took the binoculars down from my face. "For the sake of Venus, Greek goddess of love and beauty, she will pay." I turned to my companion who stood silently beside me, probably, like, meditating and becoming one with the nature. It's just so natural for us perfectionists.  
  
"Angawende?" I asked politely. "Tell me honestly," I placed my slender hand on her shoulder. "Is this shade of pink beautiful or charming? Please, give me your honest opinion. I'd like, totally perish if my nails didn't match with my naturally blonde and silky hair."  
  
"Estelithanenigedwenna?" replied Angawende in a deep, rough tone. "You need to learn how to shut up.... And that color is absolutely... perfect on you." She sighed heavily and began painting more brush strokes on the yellow parchment clipped to her polished mahogany clipboard. It like, totally matched so totally well.  
  
"Oh please, Anga," I squeaked wittily. "You can just call me _Estelia_. Because it, like, so totally matches with the name 'Estel'." I gave a pretty and charming sigh at this point. Oh, the many men it killed. "He's like, so totally rugged and handsome, that Aragorn, isn't he? That Arwen is such a---"  
  
"Yes, yes," replied Anga in the same monotonous tone. "Now, our first battle plan." She handed me the clip board. "Gather the troops. We train at dawn. Two o' clock sharp. Do you understand?"  
  
For some odd reason, she was glaring at me because I was innocently twirling my perfect hair around my perfect fingers. You can't blame a girl for being absentminded, you know? Of course you do. I took a look at the parchment. Upon its glossy coat was a pattern of black lines, X's, and O's. It looked really really complicated, one line streaking through five O's and two X's, but since I'm really really smart, I completely understood it.  
  
"Are you summoning us from our Beauty Sleep just to practice?" I accused. "How silly! We're perfectly trained, and we can all figure out the plan!"  
  
"I don't care," grunted Angawende. She folded her strong arms covered in white velvet over her chest. "Let me gloat and brag," she grinned rather evilly at this point, "about how high in status I am. That way, it'll be clear about how important this is to me." She sat down on the grass under the mallorn tree and crossed her legs. "By three, I could wrestle a boar. By five, I could do Pre-Algebra. At nine, I could read and speak twenty different languages. " Her head turned east and looked dreamily into the sunset. "By twelve, I could sprint a mile and a half straight without stopping. At sixteen, I became a lieutenant in the family army. At nineteen, I had tamed over fifty different species of Dragons and beasts. Twenty-two and I was the Queen of Mirkwood. Twenty-five, I could grow a forest in one hour."   
  
She stood up, brushing a ringlet of dark auburn hair out of her pale complexion. "I am twenty-eight now, Estelia." Her dark green eyes stared into my prettier ones. "Why do you question my authority?"  
  
"Ooh!" I squealed excitedly. "Very nice! You've got me stone cold! You always know exactly what to say! That's just so perfect of you, Anga! Just like meee!"  
  
Anga only turned away from me. Her head was bowed and her eyes were sorrowful, yet desiring.  
  
"Oh, Anga," I sighed, giving her a comforting pat on the shoulder. "I know your dark and disturbed past bothers you. I mean, I know you've probably lost your beautiful kingdom to Sauron, and that one day, you'll return to power and Leggy-weggy will be by your side."  
  
"Sauron was my ally in power when I was sixteen," she snorted. "And Saruman was my Arithmancy Professor. My first apartment was in Barad-dur, my baseball team had Uruk-hai on it, and I drank beer with outlaws. I had Nazgul for buddies in college, and I ran with the hell-hounds."  
  
"... Oh, Anga! You lie very well."  
  
"Why would I?"  
  
"Mm, never mind."  
  
Well, no doubt about it. We were the perfect army, and we had the... perfect captain.  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
"Naheka, go back to sleep... and take Narcisuss with you. She's annoying me."  
  
A pulse of headache thrashed in my brain as I flipped through the thick leather book of plan sheets. I found my daughter's chest of books in the file cabinet, hoping that I would get something out of it. My father had told me that to defeat the enemy, you must become the enemy. Of course, I had hated both my father and my mother for as long as I could remember. Greedy whores that never....   
  
Apparently, Naurglahad's plan-style was very much similar to my own. The was the problem; they were near faultless. I could not come up with a plan that could subdue my own. How could I unstick this?  
  
"Can't I just give my Dragon Lord a kiss goodnight?" inquired Narcisuss softly and sweetly, allowing herself to brush my cheek with her hand. I knocked her hand aside.  
  
"Back off, woman," I grumbled, continuing to sketch the designs of a new battle strategy print on the parchment in front of me. "Make yourself useful and summon Morikallo from watch duty. It's Jack's turn to watch, anyway. After that, I want you to go straight to bed, and not to bother me."  
  
"Fine then," she hissed acidly. "Be that way. I'll do your assine chores for you. But don't expect me to support you when your bed is cold."  
  
She strode off into the cold darkness, her pace strong and steady against the rocks of the Mordorian landscape. I liked it better when she was bitter like that. It is much more appealing to me, for it shows no weakness in her. A small grin appeared secretly on my face. But very, very, _very_ much to my dismay... she came back and---  
  
"You didn't think I was going to leave you without a goodnight kiss, did you?" she exclaimed happily, watching me topple off my seat on a rock and gasp for breath, spitting and coughing. "Heh heh heh. There's some medicine for the bounty hunter! Ha!" Then she went skipping off.  
  
"Argh..." I ignored the assertively concerned stares from young Morikallo, and clambered back onto my rock. Shaking my head, I pushed my sheet of battle tactics towards him. "You're a smart lad in combat, aren't you?" I asked. "Tell me... what can I do to improve this plan?"  
  
Morikallo studied the sheet carefully, his eyes moving along every line, dot, and inscription. After a long moment, he pushed it back to me. "There is nothing wrong with these tactics, sire. They're as well-prepared and perfect as possible. It requires very little ammunition, and not the bulkiest soldiers. Defense is balanced with the offense, and it seems you have your timing down perfectly."  
  
"...Then..." I pressed my thumb and index finger on the candle that rested in a nearby crevice. The flame died in an instant. "We are doomed."  
  
**~*~**  
  
"This sucks like Writer's Block on a Friday eve," groaned Phantom, rolling her elbows into the feeble pillow in front of her.   
  
"Well," sighed Penelope. "At least Joe brought us something a bit more comfortable to sleep on." She tugged on the squashy purple sleeping bag she had nestled herself into.  
  
"Purple is the color of Jesus. Purple is the color of Jesus," I kept muttering, my hands folded together. "Purple is the color of Jesus. Purple is the color of Jesus...."  
  
"We shouldn't have to say our prayers for God to save us," commented Newmoon.   
  
"Yes!" exclaimed Amarth. "We should ask the Valar for the strength to defeat evil in battle!"  
  
"We should do that!" agreed Coffeegirl in the same tone.  
  
"Turn it off," muttered Vana, who was speaking to the Head Muse.   
  
Head Muse was plopped in front of a mini portable TV, gaping at none other than an episode of Double Jeopardy. "Never."  
  
"Stop it." "No." "You'll hurt your eyes." "What does it matter to you?" "A lot." "Liar." "Just stop watching TV." "Prepare for the Ice Age!" "Could you knit me a sweater?" "Get Joe to teach you how to knit." "He tried. I got the needle stuck in the doorknob." "How'd you do that?" "Something tells me I don't want to know." "Funny how we can have this conversation blockade, eh?" "Hey, Coffeegirl? Where'd you get that print out the last time I noted how complicated blockade conversations are?" "I dunno'." "It was... just there!" "Yeah!" "Who's saying what?" "I don't know. Who cares." "I'm sleepy." "Me too."  
  
"'Night all," I heard someone say once I had closed my eyes. I clenched them tight, took a deep sigh, then knew no more.  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
"AAAAAHHH!"  
  
"AAAAAHHH!"  
  
"AAAAAHHH!"  
  
"What was in your dream?!" cried a horrified Newmoon, shaking her head in attempt to wake herself up as quickly as possible.   
  
"Mary-Sue!" shouted several people simultaneously.  
  
"I f-fell into Middle-earth after wishing on a stupidly mysterious… thingy! I can't remember what it was!" I wailed. "And then, everythin' went black, and when I woke up, Legolas was pointing an arrow at me! And ye' know what I was thinking in my dream?"  
  
"Please spare us the details," moaned Phantom, burying her face in her hands. "You thought he was… 'hot' didn't you?"  
  
"Yeeesssss!" I started screaming frantically, waving my hands about hysterically.  
  
"Well guess what?" announced Phantom in reply. "I had the same dream too!"  
  
We all inhaled and shrieked, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
"Wh-what's all the ruckus?" hollered Joe, jumping into the scene with a Morgul blade drawn.   
  
I jumped up in his face and yanked his collar. "Mary-Sue haunts us all!"   
  
"Oh," he said calmly. "I thought you were all dying or something."  
  
"WE _WERE_ DYING!"  
  
"…Point."  
  
"Point."  
  
He shook his head and told us to go back to sleep. He was still muttering under his breath as he walked out of the area and sheathed his sword. However, none of us could go back to sleep that night. Nay. Though Penelope pointed out that there was a full moon in the sky, it only made us feel worse. Mary-Sues loved to go dancing in the fields, singing to the night and praising the stars. It was worse than an elf praising nature after being deprived from the sky for a week or so. I recalled stumbling upon one pining as she sat alone… under a table in the Great Cafeteria. It was so sad, stupid sad, that is.  
  
"He started," began Kitty.  
  
"Worshipping you and wooing you with twenty-dozen ballads, right?" suggested Europa in horror.  
  
"I wanna' get outta' here!" moaned Coffeegirl. "But it's too dark, and the Mary-Sues might attack---"  
  
"WATCH OUT!"  
  
"AAAAAHHH!"  
  
"AAAAAHHH!"  
  
"Eeeekk!"  
  
"Eeek?"  
  
"Ugh! Like, 'eek' is just more... feminine, you know?"  
  
Everyone's attention was turned to a figure that stood in the dark. She looked rather tall, and seemed very petite and slender judging by the way the moonlight illuminated her form. As Phantom batted a flashlight on, we could clearly see the tattered plaid skirt she wore, with platform boots and tight black shirt. 'LEGOLAS IZ MYN, SO F**K OFF!' was still flashing at us. My brow furrowed. It was that Mary-Sue girl. She was an enemy.  
  
"How may we help you?" I asked cautiously. "Lost?"  
  
"Like, sure am!" she replied. "I'm totally lost, and I, like, can't find my way back. Can one of you really really nice people please please please be nice and, like, lead me out of this totally unfashionable place? I mean, I'm not scared of it. I'm totally, like, the bravest person I know."  
  
My tone darkened as everyone else's face darkened. "The only person who knows his way out of this labyrinth is Joe."  
  
"Ooh, Joe?" The girl's tone had a seductive interest in it. I didn't like it. "Is he, like, an Elf with long silky hair and a totally hot physique?"  
  
"Actually, he's---"  
  
"Even better!"   
  
She scrambled up a rocky hill and into darkness, calling after Joe. We could only rely on our ears to tell what happened next. Alas, if only we could see what was happening. But we all burst into loud and hysterical laughter as we heard high pitched feminine shrieks come from over the hillside. "IT'S A NAZGUL! I MUST SLAY IT!" Then she started screaming again. "LIKE, HOLY VANE!---"  
  
"Vana!" corrected Amarth. Of course, the Mary-Sue Author was much too stubborn to listen.  
  
"EVEN AFTER, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES OF FENCING CLASSES, HE CAN STILL BEAT ME! NOOO! LEGOLAS! WHERE IS YOU?"  
  
"Goodnight," I chuckled, resting my head down on my pillow again.  
  
Maybe there was a winning hope, even if Onikunshu doubted it.   
  


* * *

I... must... have... insanity in this story! Give me stupid humor ideas! I neeeeedd theeeeemmm.... Sssuuuuggggaarrr.... must have sugar....   
  
And once again, **requests for input of characters are not being accepted. **  
  
Thanks!  
_Naheka_  
  
  



	13. Spectacular! Spectacular!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to JRR Tolkien. 'Spectacular! Spectacular!' was from _Moulin Rouge_. I re-wrote a couple lines, so I own that. All Authors and OCs used with permission.  
  


* * *

  
**Author's Note:**  
Early chapter, late Christmas gift. There.  
This one might seem a bit short, but I'd rather post early than later. I'll be gone from December 26 to December 30, visiting relatives. Enjoy the chapter and the insanity!  
_  
Naheka_  
  


* * *

  
  
** THE FILE CABINET**  
  
  
  
Onikunshu had warned us to stay close to each other, and to not leave the deep parts of Mordor. So, all twelve of us (excluding the Mary-Sue Author, who was now screaming and kicking in her position tied to a rock) were sitting around doing absolutely nothing. The boredom was maddening. It was even _worse_ than Writer's Block on a Friday eve. We were all feeling unclean, starved, tired, and above all, frightened of the immense horrors that lurked just outside our location. The sound of arrows strung into bows and twangs of strings, swords clashing, screams of pain, and other terrible noises were the only thing we could count on to tell what was happening.  
  
"This. Is. Just. So. Exciting," muttered a tone-dead Kitty, prodding the earth with a drooping finger.  
  
"_So exciting_," grumbled Phantom, not even bothering to give tune to the lyrics, "_The audience will stomp and cheer. So delighting_---"  
  
"_It will run for fifty years!_" shouted Ari, suddenly jumping into the scene.  
  
Penelope fumbled with her words. "What are you---"  
  
Wisdom interrupted her with, "_Spectacular Spectacular!"   
The words of no vernacular,_" in a very whimsical voice.  
  
"_Can't describe this great event,_" recited Ember in the same tone. "_You'll be dumb with wonderment!_"  
  
"_Rewards are fixed at ten percent!_" added Jack. He went up to Phantom, who looked like she was being attacked by a mob of rabid lunatics. "_You must agree that's excellent!"  
  
_"What's wrong with you people?" I wanted to scream at the OCs. But it was too late to stop them. The only thing the Authors could do was to huddle in the corner and watch.  
  
"_And on top of your fee,_" sang Narcisuss.  
  
"_You'll be involved artistically_." The pricks on the napes of our necks shot up in realization that Onikunshu could _sing._  
  
All the OCs gathered together and put their hands on each other's shoulders. "_So exciting_," they all sang together. "_The Authors will all stomp and cheer. So delighting, it'll run for fifty years! So exciting! The Authors will all stomp and cheer! So delighting it'll run for fifty years!_"  
  
They jumped apart.  
  
"_Mary-Sues!_" sang Elenmir.   
  
"_And Dragon Lords!_" added Narcisuss fondly.  
  
"_Elvish blood_!" sang Blue.  
  
"_And countless wars!_" went Trisha.  
  
"_Twelve Authors!_" exclaimed Morikallo.  
  
"_And mad OCs!_" sang all four of Vana's muses.  
  
"_Bloody deaths!_" cried Ember.  
  
"_Fire breathers!_" shouted Ted.  
  
"_Rocks thrown at the Mary-Sues,_" sang everyone in harmony. "_Intrigue, danger, but no romance!_" Narcisuss and Ari frowned. "_Eccentric fights! The creamery!"  
  
"And all the electricity!"_ boomed Jack.  
  
Again, the OCs jumped together. "_So exciting! __The Authors will all stomp and cheer! So delighting, it'll run for fifty years! So exciting! The Authors will all stomp and cheer! So delighting it'll run for fifty years!_" By now, the Authors were of course huddled together, taken aback by the sudden break out of song. "_Spectacular Spectacular! The words of the vernacular! Can't describe this great event! You'll be dumb with wonderment!_"  
  
Then they started dancing. "_The hills are alive. With the sound of killing!_" Onikunshu dropped Narcisuss once he realized that she jumped into his arms.   
  
Altogether, "_So exciting! __The Authors will all stomp and cheer!" _They were jumping up and down on the spot like maniacs._ "So delighting, it'll run for fifty years! So exciting! The Authors will all stomp and cheer! So delighting it'll run for fiiiiiftyyyyy yeeeeeaaaaaars!_"   
  
No one spoke as they finished the song in a college-like position; every OC in a dramatic pose facing the audience... the Authors.  
  
"...Then what?" asked Phantom. Half of the Authors jumped on her and slapped a hand over her mouth.   
  
As we were all pulled into a semi-wrestling match, the OCs ran around and extracted materials out of nowhere. Our fight was immediately as we heard Onikunshu shout, "Why am I the one up here?"  
  
"Just do it!" hissed Elenmir from behind a curtain. Our jaws dropped as we saw a whole entire mini stage assembled; lights and all.  
  
"Ahem." I paled. My OCs-- _all _of our OCs were singing and dancing. What a nightmare. Onikunshu stepped aside as the curtain pulled apart, revealing Trisha pretending to attack Ted and Wisdom. "_The land is caught by Mary-Sues," _he sang,_ " and so of course a war ensues_." Actually, none of them were really bad singers....   
  
"_But in the end they hear this song_," sang Narcisuss from the opposite side of the set.  
  
"_And the pain is just too strong_." Onikunshu winced as Narcisuss winked at him.  
  
"This is, like, totally stupid!" sang the Mary-Sue Author, sitting against the rock in the far corner. "This stu-upid song!"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
Dust flew into her face as the OCs began singing and dancing again. "_So exciting! __The Authors will all stomp and cheer! So delighting, it'll run for fifty years!_"  
  
"_The OCs very secret plan,_ " continued Onikunshu. Ember and Morikallo jumped on stage and waved a piece of parchment around. "_Will bring death to the MS clan." _Trisha, still pretending, gasped and collapsed on the ground._ "And though the fangirls rant and rail, it is all to no avail._"  
  
Ari and Elenmir rose gracefully to their feet as if they were rising out of the ground. Elenmir cried, "You can, like, never defeat us!" Ari gave a cute wave to Morikallo, who chuckled and blushed. Onikunshu slapped his head.  
  
"You people really scare me," commented Amarth from the middle of the Author crowd.  
  
"We know we do," replied Jack.  
  
"_So exciting!_" sang the OCs again, "_We'll make you scoff, we'll make you cry._ _So delighting---_"  
  
"And in the end should someone die?" asked Phantom, recalling what had been said where 'Spectacular! Spectacular!' currently originated.*  
  
The OCs blinked. "_So exciting! The Authors will all stomp and cheer! So delighting! It will run for fiiiiifty yeeeeaaaars!_"  
  
_ Voosh!_  
  
Then they were all gone, and the sound of battle-training slowly reclaimed the exhausted silence.  
  
  
**~*~**  
  
  
Three hours after the 'Spectacular! Spectacular!' escapade, I still had that handy little tune stuck in my head. Everyone had the tune stuck in their heads.   
  
"I wonder if they'll sing anything else?" pondered Phantom aloud.  
  
"I'll need mental therapy if I ever see something like that again," muttered Hoshiko.  
  
"I need mental therapy right now!" exclaimed Sammy.  
  
"I dunno'," I sighed. "I thought it was kinda' cool."  
  
"You_ are_ insane," said Vana.  
  
I bowed graciously. "Thank you!"  
  
The laughter that followed... tragically did not last long. Our screams of terror were heard by none as something huge, and purple came swooping down on us, emitting a shrill sound of purity. We scattered like marbles dropped high above stone, without knowledge of our attacker's identity. I had pressed myself into the nearest wall, where a roof of volcanic rock provided a very feeble shelter. As someone screamed again, I looked up and gasped to see that the attacker was not anything hellish such as a winged beast of the Nazgul; far worse; much worse.  
  
It was a flying horse. A pegasus. Generally, I find Pegasus's as a rather masculine horse that valiantly bears his rider into perilous dangers. That was cool. But this particular pegasus had a sparkly horn protruding from its cranium, and a gleaming coat, brushed to perfection. Its mane was gorgeous and pink and flowing and prettiful and beautiful and... disgusting. But the most hideous trait of this creature was its eyes.  
  
They were huge, bulbous things! They were shiny and blue! They were... begging for cute and cuddly hugs... even if horses can't receive a hug like a human being!  
  
"Like my pretty pony?" inquired a loud, enchanting voice. We screamed again as we realized that a Mary-Sue was mounted upon the horse's back. Her scarlet hair flowed gracefully in the wind... even if there was no wind (save the beating of the horse's wings, but that was blowing in a different direction).   
  
In a smooth scrape of metal, she unsheathed her golden sword and raised it into the air. Her battle cry was that of an opera singer's highest note. Down she came at us, swinging her blade as if she beheld Xena's warrior skills thirty-fold. Boom! Ash flew into the air as all twelve of us took off deeper into the blackened lands. This was of course very treacherous, sprinting off into unknown territory with a guide or whim of where we were headed.  
  
"There!" hollered Newmoon. She pointed to a small, dark, dark cave in the far corner. "Hide!"  
  
No one took hesitation in opposing her suggestion. Three by three, we dove into the shadowed sanctuary and huddled as deep as we could into what space we had. Apparently, there was a lot of space in the area, but due to plain darkness, there was no way we could find out what exactly lurked inside. Another Mary-Sue war cry was heard, and in a thunder of rocks, the entrance of the cave closed on us.  
  
We had been locked in.  
  
  
  


* * *

*I've heard that 'Spectacular! Spectacular!' was not written by the producers of _Moulin Rouge _(the original "Roxanne" by _The Police_ terrified me and gave me nightmares). However, the most recent origination is from _Moulin Rouge_, so that's just the way it's going to go.  
  
This version, along with 'Doom to Mary-Sue', is the theme song for this fic. Two theme songs. Wowee... -__- (grins maniacally)  



	14. The Last Moments Before the Battles

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to JRR Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used with permission. Newmoon owns a scene in this chapter. She came up with the idea.  
  


* * *

  
**Author's Note:**  
Extreme, extreme apologies to anyone who feels anything disturbed by the end of this chapter. It burned uss when I wrotess somess of itsss, yes, it did. I freeezes to imagine some of itsss nassstinesssesss... Saw LOTR:TT for the fourth time, and I am really starting to get attached to Gollum. But of course, Joe on his precious, absolutely adorbale winged beast was a definite favorite scene of mine!  
  


* * *

**  
The File Cabinet**  
  
  
  
"Please, please, you have the flashlight, right?"  
  
Amarth fumbled with the long, bright orange tube before finally managing to switch it on. A very feeble light shone out of the lighted end, as if the glow was malnourished. A sigh of despair encircled the room.   
  
"Evil, evil, evil cave!" muttered Europa.  
  
"Is anyone in here claustrophobic?" asked Jiana, slowly putting a hand to her mouth.  
  
"I am!" whimpered Vana, her eyes squinting shut.   
  
"We are eternally doomed to chaotic escapades and toil, aren't we?" I asked monotonously.  
  
"It seems so," sighed Phantom.  
  
"Well, at least to get this escapade on the right road," began Penelope.  
  
"Which it is totally not on the right road," said Kitty, "and completely off course!"  
  
"Well, who knows?" suggested Hoshiko. "Frodo once said 'he didn't mean for a lot of things to happen', and well---"  
  
"Turns out everything that happened to Frodo and Sam," said Sammy, "was actually meant to happen!"  
  
"So you're saying...?" said Coffeegirl.  
  
"What I said before!" I shouted. "We are eternally doomed to chaotic escapades and toil!"  
  
"Exactly!"  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
Beginning the battle, sitting in the highest peaks of the blackened land, looked almost like a chess board, except instead of evenly dispensed black and white tiles along the knolls and plains that made up the battlefield, there was a straight line directly in the middle. One half of the field was the powerful, invincible, and perfect Mary-Sue army. As for the other half, it was the opposing army; just the opposing army. Several of the OCs were omitted from qualifying to be in a Dark Army, so Onikunshu had loosely classified them as simply the opposing army.  
  
The Pawns of the opposing army were well-hidden amongst the eluded areas of the scene: in small caverns, behind rock knolls, underneath artificial shelves of dirt. Knights were well-armed, sitting or standing quietly in their positions near the front-line. Bishops and Rooks were very high in the peaks, ever watchful for invading foes. Most of them were armed with bow and arrow. As for King and Queen, the most important and most powerful pieces on the chess board... well, there were none. But there were two very grouchy and intolerable-feeling generals sitting in the back center.  
  
"I want to go to sleep," muttered Onikunshu, putting his head in his hands.  
  
"Here," grumbled Morikallo, handing his fellow his mug. "Try this."  
  
It was as black as Shadow and as hot as a flaming coal, but the moment Onikunshu took a swallow of it---  
  
"Wow!" He handed the mug back to Morikallo. "That's tasty! What is that? Where'd you get that?"  
  
Morikallo wiped the rim of the mug with his sleeve before he took another sip. "Remember how you told the soldiers to relax before battle?" Onikunshu nodded. "It's called coffee." There was a whip-like snap as Morikallo pointed to the side. "Take a right, go down the flight of stairs on the left, over the six-foot wide gap between the tall rock and the wide rock, then right, left, left, right, left, and you'll find the microwave, the sink, and the coffeepot; you can't miss it."  
  
"...Can't I just take an immediate left as soon as I stand up?"  
  
Morikallo's brown eyes darted left. The microwave, the sink, and the coffeepot were embedded in the rocks, complete with a small tray of tea packets, and a cabinet of complimentary coffee mugs. He grinned. "You can go that way too."  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
"Just to make things even worse!" cried Vana. "This isn't just a cave!"  
  
"It's a tomb," concluded Sammy, not daring to prod a nearby corpse that hung over a rock with an insane smile still plastered on its skeletal face.  
  
"Can I turn the flashlight off?" asked Amarth. "It'll save batteries... and make the corpses go away."  
  
"But then we might not be able to find a way out!" countered Jiana.  
  
"Newmoon!" I hissed, slightly hovering over her shoulder. "Don't touch that!"  
  
"There might be a map in here," said Newmoon in reply.   
  
With a quick jolt, she yanked out an enormous book from the grasp of a nearby corpse. It was absolutely tarnished with dust and wreck. Dark stains spattered on the front cover; dark stains which suspiciously, horrifyingly, terribly, painfully looked like---  
  
"Ketchup?"  
  
"No way! It's barbecue sauce!"  
  
"Shouldn't it be blood?"   
  
There was silence among all.  
  
"Maybe."  
  
Newmoon gave a disgusted cry as she dropped the volume onto the ground. With a strangely tremendous thud, the book teetered on its spine for a moment before plopping to the side. A random page in the very back (or front) of the volume opened itself to us. Black ink was strewn across the ancient parchment leaf in a struggling scrawl. Newmoon bent closer to the book. Amarth's flashlight dawned on it.  
  
"What does it say?" asked Coffeegirl.  
  
"We_ drove out Mary-Sues from the great gate and guard_," answered Newmoon, her eyes concentrating hard on the page.  
  
"Accounts of a previous Mary-Sue battle?" suggested Phantom.  
  
"_We slew many in the darkness_," continued Newmoon. "_Some dude named_, argh. I can't read that name. Well, _he died_. _He was a good fighter. Oh well._ Hey! Someone drew an sad face right next to that line. Erm, _shaft... seat... mithril...accursed ketchup?_" She skipped past a large dark stain at the bottom of the leaf, and turned the page. The writing turned to an even messier, more frightened print. "_...horrible... suffer... We..._ uh-oh..." She took a deep breath. "_We cannot get out. We cannot get out. They have taken the Bridge and the second hall.... We cannot get... out..._" Finally the scrawling ended in a tragic bleed of ink that teared down the page. That was the end of the volume. Newmoon dropped the book, and let it lay as still as death on the floor.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Much silence there was.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Kinda' funny how that totally impersonated the Fellowship's doom in Moria, eh? Ha, ha--"   
_  
Smack!_  
  
"Ow!"  
  
  
**~*~**  
  
  
"What are you neanderthals doing?!"  
  
"Chill, Angawende," I replied coolly, taking another sip of my diet soda. "We're taking a break. We're gonna' go to war soon, so we're just gonna' lay back and lax for a while."  
  
For some odd reason, Angawende shrieked and smacked a hand to her forehead.   
  
"You are a very strange Mary-Sue, Anga," commented Estelia. She yawned a petite yawn, politely putting a hand to her lips.  
  
"You're all idiots!" screamed Angawende. "What the hell do you think you are all doing? You're weapons haven't been sharpened, you haven't put on your armor, and your quivers are empty! Cuenaltidwathonin, look at the opposing team! See how they're waiting and prepared?"  
  
My eyes are twice as sharp as a regular elf's, so I could easily see the mean old army waiting in the Moredoor place. The first thing I saw were a bunch of totally, totally hottttt guyz. Some of them thought that they were well hidden--- allot of them had dark hair and green eyes and pale skin--- but then there was these other guyz. Some of them were elfs and some were mortles. Some had bows and arrows, and others had swords. Ther wer these three guys with guns in the front line. I thot they wer cute!!!111  
  
_ Thwap!_  
  
"Ouchie!"  
  
"STOP STARING AT THE OPPOSING TEAM!" boomed Anga, smacking me hard in the head with her clipboard. I burst into tears. Estelia helped me.  
  
"You should not hit the girl, Anga," Estelia countered. "That's like, very very mean of you!"  
  
Angawende was silent for a while, looking at us all funny. And suddenly, "...ha! Ha! _I laugh at your pain! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha_!" I started crying again.  
  
"Stop it, Anga!" cried Lestinaguenadin heroically. She aimed a pointy arrow at the general's face.  
  
And to all of our suprizes, Angawende punched Lestinaguenadin in the stomach. She coughed out blood and fell to the floor, dead. Anga looked down at her dead body on the ground for a while befor picking her up by the collar and holding her up in the air with one fist. "_See what happens,_" she announced to the rest of us, "_when you defy your captain?_ You _die!_" She threw the dead body to the side where it tumbled over the edge and off a cliff. "Now your captain says, for the second time, _prepare for full-battle! Now!_"  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
"And you'll be firing cream pies?"  
  
"If it sticks in their hair, it might really mess them up!"  
  
"...Wonderful."  
  
Onikunshu did not know how to force out a grin for the eagerly smiling muse, bobbing up and down in excitement, bright green cap spinning on his head.  
  
"You are totally insane," commented Muse #4. Muse #2 nodded.   
  
As captain of the West-high-lodge system, I was sitting nearby, watching the spirit-forms start to bop each other on the head. Onikunshu sighed and put a hand to his forehead. However, as he noticed my amused observations of the three OCs, he looked up and grunted, "What are you looking at, Naz... gul..." The rest of his sentence melted into silence. Something behind me, I believe, had severely caught his attention. I had known Onikunshu ever since the day he was brought into the File Cabinet; this new look was absolutely not like him. I turned around to identify the cause.   
  
Upon discovering it, I wanted to scream.  
  
"Whatever mouth you have, Wraith," muttered Narcisuss, her usual soprano tone turned to a mixture of a bass and alto, "you had better close it now, or I'll turn you back into a flying horse on fire." Her usual apparel of the green and silver dress was completely revolutionized to a gothic, black robe and cloak. Her hood shadowed her face, but her green eyes illuminated like lightning.   
  
She whacked my shoulder with that familiar... evil staff. It was a dark silver shade, as was the buckle on her belt, and judging by the end of the staff that held a seeing-stone, Narcisuss clearly believed in "it's not evil without horns." Ugly pinnacles like claws protected the stone. I hated that staff. I hated that stone. Why? Because it reminded me of how many times the Istari Saruman would rant and ramble to me about whether he wanted his nails to match his robes or his_ palantiri_. Bloody evil lectures.  
  
"Do you want to be crawling on all fours like a beast?" she inquired. I shook my head. "Then sit up and keep watch more attentively!"  
  
In a swish of black and in a quickened pace of leather boots brushing against rugged stone, she left the west watch, and headed off to her own post, the east watch. As she walked out of sight, I noticed that Onikunshu was still staring after her.  
  
"...Who was that?" he inquired softly, somewhat dumbstruck by her lost presence.  
  
"Of all people," I muttered, "I thought you'd might know best. That was Narcisuss, the bloody evil and horrible sorceress of Mordor. She's commander of the East-high-lodge system, remember?"  
  
"...That was not Narcisuss."  
  
"Yes, it was."   
  
"No way."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Argh!" My sword came out of my sheathe in my anger. "That was Narcisuss! I know it's her! She's the one that killed a dozen for amusement, tore apart half of Middle-earth, crushed families, burned cities, and called all of nature's power and nature's evil to her whim!" I prepared to bring the hilt down on his head. "What is not hard to understand about that?!"  
  
Onikunshu did not reply. Instead, he pointed up. "Your hilt."  
  
"Yes, my hilt." I pulled my sword down and fingered the hilt. "It's a lovely craft, isn't it?"  
  
"Absolutely lovely..." The Dragon Lord stared at it for a while. It was then that I finally realized why he was so fascinated with it. "Wait till I tell the Author! Ooh, she's going to be shocked! Bwahahahaha!" It was not a surprise to see him jump over the cliff and take off as a dragon, laughing and shouting in his own tongue.  
  
I cursed in Mordorian and sheathed my blade into my scabbard. Naheka would not be pleased to know what the hilt of my sword looked like.   
  
Actually... where was Naheka?  
  


* * *

You barfed? So did I.  
  
And to Vana, just a special note from Joe.  
  
_Vana-  
It somewhat aches me to tell you that you are actually_**not**_ the first one.  
-Joe_  
  
  



	15. The White Side Attacks

**Disclaimer: **I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to JRR Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used with permission.  
  


* * *

  
**Author's Note:**  
Just an announcement that my home site has been updated. It's read and black with classical techno and Linkin Park galore... well, for sound. If you visit it, beware of Carmina's 'Death March' blasting in your ears. Site URL is http://naheka.tripod.com/  
Also, Dragon Eye Ryunarasu has new pictures and profiles have been rearranged so that pictures don't overlap text. CHIBIS! And I drew them all on Paint! THEY'RE CUTE! For cute chibis, go to http://naheka.tripod.com/dragoneyeryu  
  


* * *

  
**The File Cabinet**  
  
  
Only one way to go: forward. Precarious of knowledge of what really lay ahead of us in that wickedly dark, dark tunnel, we set out into Shadow with desperate hopes that we would live to find a way out. The single, dying flashlight was our only source of light, and with predictions that the battery would soon pass into the afterlife (if that's where batteries go) none of us were too happy to be---  
  
"Stuck in an evil cave with Sues on our tails!" groaned Vana.  
  
"Re-word that," muttered Phantom. "Stuck _and lost_ in an evil cave with _evil _Sues on our stuck _and lost _tails."  
  
"Only too true," sighed Europa.   
  
"That's a really bad thing, isn't it?" said Kitty sarcastically.  
  
"No!" I exclaimed. "Really! It's the best thing _ever_! We're on a quest! A quest to---"  
  
"Get out of here with our lives," finished Hoshiko.  
  
"Exactly!"  
  
"We all sincerely hope that it's possible," grunted Penelope.  
  
"Well, everyone knows that with hope, all things are possible!" cried a new voice. The spoken words had their element of thoughtful faith in them, but the tone it was pronounced in was simply ridiculous.  
  
"...Who said that?" asked Amarth, waving the flashlight around.  
  
"We did, silly!" giggled the voice again.  
  
There was another long pause.  
  
"Mary-Sue Authors!" whispered Sammy.  
  
The light of the flashlight finally caught a sparkle of blue; a glitter message of a shirt. For the moment the light lingered on the message, I could spot, "#1 LOTR GURL".   
  
"Oh no," moaned several of the eleven Authors around me.   
  
Suddenly, a great light, obviously brighter than the flashlight we held, blazed into existence, as if shattering the darkness in a swift strike. The tunnel became lighted with six torches, three on one cave wall, the remaining few on the opposite wall. Each torch was occupied by a golden white flame, dancing on the flint like a whirlwind that blew in only one place. A new Author was pouring some oil into one of the lights from a golden container. She was dressed in long flowing robes of black with gold trimmings. Her white blonde hair flowed down her back and ended in a curl; it was obviously done by a heated curling iron.  
  
Three other Mary-Sue Authors watched their fellow tend to the torches observantly, yet blankly. One was definitely a hobbit-fan, dressed exactly like Rosie Cotton. Another was in light pink. Her short black hair was unusually shiny. The third, like practically all the Pro-Sue Authors, was dressed like an elf. However, with her white tunic and leggings, but gold and silver tiara with flowers in her hair, it was excruciatingly difficult to tell whether she was aiming for Noldorin warrior, or Galadhrim princess. But knowing the characteristics of several Mary-Sue Authors, it did not matter, for they were all ignorant movie-fans.  
  
I eyed each Author carefully with silence. Oddly enough, as there were twelve of us, there were twelve of them. How uncanny. I had to make a statement to this interesting situation!  
  
"Dude! It's like, attack of the clones! Except... not!"  
  
I blinked. I wasn't the only one who said that line at that moment. Who? Who else was idiotic enough to pronounce anything as silly as that? I looked around, but my pursuit ended quickly. Another girl had long, dark brown hair and brown eyes. There was nothing absolutely special about them; nothing radiant; nothing glorious. Just a person. She stared back at me with the exact same confused stare, the one I bore.  
  
Breaking the silence. "Clone!" we both exclaimed, pointing at each other with identical insane tones. We ran up to each other and met at the line that divided ourselves from the Mary-Sues. "Freakish!"  
  
"You look like me!"  
  
"I look like you!"  
  
"I have a low attention span!"  
  
"So do I!"  
  
"I don't even know what an attention span is!"  
  
"Neither do I!"  
  
"I found my clone!" we hollered simultaneously.  
  
My clone blinked at me, and I blinked back. There was silence. Rapidly, the blissful insanity faded away. I shoved my opponent. "What're you up to, you devious impostor?"  
  
She shoved me back. "You're trying to steal Legolas from me, aren't you? You're a poisonous snake! He's my hottie!"  
  
"Damn him! I'm going to kill him!"  
  
"No you aren't! You die!"  
  
"Die!"  
  
"Hold it!" shouted two Authors from both sides of the tunnel. They grabbed our collars in attempt to restrain the Naheka-clones from killing each other.  
  
"It's not the best thing to hurt strangers!" barked the girl with white blonde hair to the brown haired girl. She looked up at the opposing side. She gasped. "Of all people... you!" She pointed at Phantom who had released me once she was sure I wouldn't jump. Oh, how I wished I had a knife for that Sue's throat. "You're that person who flamed me!"  
  
"Flamed?" asked Phantom, her expression turning from concerned to puzzled. "Er..."  
  
"Honest? Hah! I think not!" She released the Naheka-clone. "Go ahead! Kill her!"  
  
I definitely must've at least bent a bone as I fell to the floor in attempt to dodge the first blow... and then came the next... and the next... and the next....  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
And in the silence of stillness, they waited. Oh, how silent it was. Even the slightest breath of a nervous warrior, or the lightest shift against the earth, was compatible to the volume of a bellowing Ent. It was dark on the opposing side of the battlefield. Angawende had mounted a horse, a silky black mare, and currently rode softly, yet valiantly towards the enemy, leading a medium-sized army of young women, all donned in jackets of mithril. Onikunshu rode no beast, for he thought it was lowly as to depend on another's strength to lead you. He only sat on one knee, kneeling at the front-center precipice. Everything and everyone was ready to the best of his knowledge. The only matter that was unsure was time.  
  
Joe had been able to scrounge up several thousand OCs willing to fight against the Mary-Sues; but though their population rivaled, skill was left unidentified. Onikunshu grunted and shook his head. Were these OCs even good enough fighters? Sure, most of his blood-related fellows, the hundred or so Ryunarasu in the front line, were capable. Yet some of them... looked quite frightened.   
  
His concerned train of thought faded into abrupt reality again as he heard struggling noises behind him. Ari was tugging at Morikallo's collar hurriedly. Kallo himself was crouching in the corner, clutching a tumbler of coffee to his chest. "Get up, Kallo!" Ari whispered. "Stop obsessing over--"  
  
"_My_ coffee!" hissed Morikallo in reply. "It's _mine! All_ mine! You'll_ never_ get it from _meeee!_" He hissed again as he turned to block Ari's reaching hand. "Mine! My prrrecioussss...."  
  
"She's right Morikallo," said Ted from a ledge above him. "You might miss something in the battle if you don't---"  
  
"What doYOU know about it, eh, boy?" barked the elf in reply. "You mortal _fool!_ It's all mine! Mine! MINE!" He snickered to himself as he took a swig of the caffeine. "My lovely caffeine."  
  
"Code: red," groaned Trisha. "We have an OC going OOC."  
  
"YOU don't know anything about it either, you strange girl!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" screamed Narcisuss from the sixty something yards away from them. In freakishly swift time, thunder rolled and a white bolt of lightning struck the front-center precipice. It would've killed Morikallo if he had been any closer to it. But of course, with such wicked and abnormal force, something violent was bound to happen. Well, a quarter of the front-center precipice cracked and collapsed, bringing Ari, Morikallo, and Ted down with it.   
  
_ Crack! Crumble._ Silence. _Foom! _Down the ledge went. A longer period of silence.  
  
"We're okay... I think... ow."  
  
Onikunshu paled even whiter than his face usually was. "Oh... my.. GAWD! NOOOOO! THIS IS ALL WRONG! NO! NO! NO!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" hollered Narcisuss again.  
  
"NO! I HAVE A BETTER REASON TO COMPLAIN! YOU SHUT UP!"  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"YOU SHUT UP!"  
  
"YOU!"  
  
"YOU!"  
  
"YOU!"  
  
They both stopped for a while to catch their breath before screaming again simultaneously, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"  
  
But then---  
  
"AAAAAAAAAHHHH!"  
  
"OH GAWD! ONIKUNSHU GOT SHOT!"  
  
Onikunshu was muttering darkly to himself as his last glance fell upon the White General, the Iron Maiden, laughing loudly as she lowered her bow and unsheathed her long sword. He cursed her and her evil laugh, the same laugh she had inherited from him. The pain the arrow that she had fired into his left arm was nothing in comparison to what hate he felt at that moment. As her horse reared on two legs, Angawende's first command was, "Charge!"  
  
Like a swarm of locusts, well, graceful locuts, the army of Mary-Sues surpassed the general and rushed forth into the battlefield, swords drawn and make-up on. They were confident that like most battles, they would overcome the enemy unscathed. In this climactic beginning to a war... it seemed that this first battle would end just as the battles in the story ended: the white side wins.  
  
  
** ~*~**  
  
  
I gasped, kicking whatever strength I had left into my legs, which were bruised from several swings and kicks from my clone. Unfortunately, very unfortunately, all of my fellow Authors were also pulled into the brawl. Counterpart to counterpart. Why did there have to be twelve of them? My face, already half caked in dirt, reddened. This was just unfair... well, actually, more like stupid.  
  
"I hate you!" screamed a Mary-Sue Author, preparing to launch on Coffeegirl. She ducked as Penelope came flying overhead, another Author preparing to strangle her. Vana was pushing another Pro-Sue off. She half stumbled over Europa who was trying to yank a Sue off Hoshiko. Sammy and Jiana were practically running laps around the arena; some of the Sues were carrying dangerously sharp hair clips!  
  
Phantom was absolutely not happy to have to pry Mary-Sue fingers off both her own neck, and Amarth's neck. Unfortunately, the Sue's combined force brought them both to the ground. Newmoon was desperate enough to take a random corpse bone and throw it at an opponent, who screamed at the touch of a dead thing and smashed right into Kitty.  
  
My clone... my horrid Mary-Sue clone, used every move I did. Now I realized how much it really hurts to have an elbow come swinging into your stomach.   
  
"Damn you!"  
  
"Damn _you!_"   
  
"Legolas is mine!"  
  
"Keep the stupid elf! I'll gouge both of your eyes out and make you eat them later!"  
  
"You can eat your own eyes!"  
  
"That's stupid!"  
  
_ Pow!_ Both of our fists came flying directly into each other's. Our knuckles bruised. We backed up and staggered, pressing our hands to our bellies. We eyed each other with ultimate hate and spite. I saw her as a mark of immaturity and disgrace. She probably saw me as a mark of... immaturity and disgrace... Simultaneously our glares changed to appalled stares. A mirror-like glance was exchanged. A _mirror_-like glance...  
  
We sighed. "Oh, no."  
  


* * *

  
  
  



	16. The War Ensues

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to JRR Tolkien. All Author's and OCs used with permission.  
  


* * *

  
**The File Cabinet**  
  
  
"Damn her," thought Onikunshu, turning over on his side as he proceeded to get a firm grip on the arrow that had been launched into his abdomen.   
  
"Don't pull that out!" shouted Wisdom, starting to run over to the wounded one. "You'll make it even worse."  
  
"It cannot be any worse than falling before the battle even started!" he retorted angrily.   
  
"Yes it could! You may have died now, but you could die beyond—" He winced as Onikunshu monotonously yanked out the arrow. "…beyond… hope."  
  
Onikunshu glared at the mortal cleric. Over moments, his stare softened. "I don't think it's possible for an OC to die beyond hope. Only Authors can do that." Then, he blinked; then, he fell over. The picture would be complete if he had X's over his eyes. How stupidly hilarious.   
  
  
  
"Oh my…" mouthed Angawende to herself as a golden light shot a clear pathway through the battlefield, coming straight towards her. She had released her black steed in her confidence, and strode right through the wreck with multiple weapons at hand. The White General's bewildered expression soon glided into a deeply amused grin.   
  
A sudden flash of white nearly blinded her.  
  
"Just give it up Trisha," growled Angawende. She had a single finger against the Saiyan's impressive high-kick. "You may be a supernatural being with Mary-Sue blood running thick in your veins, but you shall never be powerful enough to rival with me. This land is LOTR dominant, and therefore the subject more closely related to LOTR shall conquer."  
  
"Would you just shut up and fight?" grunted Trisha. Her opponent grinned.  
  
"My pleasure."  
  
With two Mary-Sues fighting one another, it was like _Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon _but with fighting skills increased by at least thirty fold. It was impossible to explain blow by blow, but whatever kick Trisha made or punch thrown, no matter the strength of speed, the Mary-Sue mistress evaded every blow.   
  
Then, with one swift and impossibly graceful stroke, Angawende held Trisha by the throat, fingers on the verge of choking her to death. Trisha had to rely on her own struggling strength to keep the enemy's grip from killing her. "And you called yourself a Saiyan earlier?" yawned Angawende. "You disgrace all that run in your bloodline."  
  
"I have not yet begun to fight," retorted the choking one furiously.  
  
"What a coincidence! Neither have I!"  
  
"Stop it, Naurglahad."  
  
Odd how saviors have the tendency to appear at the right time. Well unfortunately, as Angawende rotated gracefully on the spot, no one was there.  
  
"…hey! Over here!"  
  
Angawende snorted to herself. She whipped to face left, right, behind her, and below her. But she cursed looked upwards into the sky where a black shadow loomed upon a shroud of dark mist. 'Twas a new opponent. A very worthy opponent. An opponent whose blood was worth spilling for the sake of revenge. She turned to the female saiyan and muttered, "I shall deal with you later." With a flick of her wrist, she thrust Trisha aside where she slid a quarter mile across the dirt and landed in a cluster of Mary-Sues. Without a need for orders, they took her up by the arms and dragged her away.  
  
"THIS IS EMBARRASSING!" she hollered in annoyance. "IT'S STUPID AND UNREASONABLE!"  
  
"Like, chill out," said one of the Sues. "Like, whatcha' yellin' for?"  
  
"I'M YELLING FOR YOU MARY-SUES TO GET YOUR GRIMY HANDS OFF OF ME!"  
  
"Be still, the Iron Maiden speaks," said Angawende, lifting a hand up to silence the saiyan. She turned her attention to the opponent, the Dark Maiden, who spoke not a word nor inhaled a single breath of true life. She was long dead, now, and could not be saved lest her temperance was fulfilled. As her feet finally touched the ground, a black staff came into existence in her right hand. A hood covered a deeply shadowed face, but familiar green eyes glared at her through the darkness. The figure then hunched, as if tired and weary of either age or toil; perhaps both.  
  
"So..." drawled the White General with the highest slur of amusement, "a sorceress who knows what it feels like to be rejected, hurt, beaten, and disciplined... yet has felt love, compassion, truth, and fairness... opposes I? Were you not beautiful and desired in the life of goodness you once lived? When the heart of a Mary-Sue was within you?"  
  
"Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth," spat the Dark Maiden. "You have tried me once, and you shall not try me again. I did not pass through a thousand deaths of torment and hate to deal with the creation of a mindless fangirl."  
  
"You mock your creator also, as you say this," replied Angawende smoothly. "Hypocritical, aren't we? I sincerely hope I have not inherited it from you, dear mother."  
  
"It is good to know that a child recognizes its parent." She shook her head and her hood came off. Narcisuss ultimately revealed herself on the battlefield as a near exact replica of Angawende. It was almost an exact reenactment of what happened in some random chapter of a really long story about how Middle-earth was doomed but then this special person just came along and saved the world and kinda' fell in love and broke a leg all at the same time... I think.   
  
"And the parent worries about the condition of the child," said Narcisuss with a soft gaze, "when the child joins an army that opposes her mother and father's policies."  
  
Angawende opened her mouth to reply but paused mid-sentence. She shook her head and drew a sword. "This is going to turn into a stupid family conflict flashback. Can we get on and kill each other?"  
  
"...Fine! Fine! Avoid the drama! Your father was just the same." She too drew a sword from her belt and attained a comfortable grip on the handle. But as she prepared to strike first, Angawende stopped her.  
  
"Wait! Are you mocking my father?"  
  
"No, I'm just saying that he just wasn't the one to stick around for sap."  
  
"Sap? So now you're saying that good memories is equivalent to sap?" "Wrong again!" "No, you're wrong again! No wonder he dislikes you hanging around him!" "Don't talk to me like that, little missy!" "Why not?" "I'm your mother!" "You never acted like it! You were never there for me!" "Your father wasn't there either!" "So now you're going to blame everything on him?" "No!" "Then why are you doing it now?" "I love your father better than anyone could imagine!" "Hah! Tis folly! I've known him closer than you! I'm his daughter! I love him more!" "Silence! I love him in a way you don't!" "And so do I! So he loves me more!" "Don't tell me what he thinks! Besides, I know he loves me more." "Child abuse!" "Get over it." "Daddy loves me more than you!" "Daddy loves Mommy better than his unwanted daughter!" "You're lying!" "You're lying!"  
  
"Well..." sighed Angawende in a hoarse voice, dusting her sleeves off. "There's only one way to prove who is loved more by my father..."  
  
"You are absolutely right," answered Narcisuss in the same tone.   
  
A moment of silence between them passed.  
  
_ Foom!_  
  
"HE'S MINE!" screamed Angawende as she rivaled in a race with her mother.  
  
"KEEP YOUR TONGUE! HE'S MINE!" shot Narcisuss in reply.  
  
They kept shouting at each other like that for the next five minutes, pummeling their way to the Dark Lands to find the object of affection, who at the moment was slowly and tragically dying with a gap in his rib where the arrow had pierced him... oh, and drinking from a can of Dr. Pepper with a laptop in front of him. The portable computer was playing a DVD at the moment.  
  
"If this is what death feels like," Onikunshu concluded placidly to himself, " then I should try dying more often!"  
  
  
~*~  
  
"I hate you," we said to each other simultaneously. We turned to the arguing and beating crowd that swelled in anger before us, still fighting one another with tooth and nail. Together, my clone and I ran into the energy and began prying everyone off each other no matter what side they stood on. Gradually, the twenty-four Authors stopped struggling altogether and stared at us in mid-motion.  
  
The Mary-Sues were fretting over their garments and accessories, as my original companions were busy nursing wounds given by repeated eye-poking and stabbing of hair clips. It was a horribly tragic sight to see.   
  
"What is this about?" barked the head of the Mary-Sues, the girl in black robes. "Why did you stop our battle?"  
  
"So that you wouldn't kill us," muttered Vana.  
  
"Or we wouldn't kill you," said Europa.  
  
"We were both dying," sighed Jiana.  
  
There was a moment of tired silence that slipped by without notice.  
  
"It's all wrong," I said dully. "We shouldn't be physically hurting each other like this. We're acting like uncivilized human beings!"  
  
"I'm an elf!" exclaimed one of the Mary-Sues. "I don't have any proof, but the moment I saw Legolas, I knew it was true!"  
  
"...Whatever." I put my head in my hands as I sat down on the ground. It was not long before everyone else decided to have a seat. "Well, the point is that there has to be a better way to reach a compromise other than pounding each other's faces."  
  
"We were trying to compromise?" asked Coffeegirl.  
  
"No, we were trying to destroy you all," answered a Mary-Sue.  
  
"Well we can't destroy each other," said my clone. "We can't destroy anyone. Let's just talk about this instead."  
  
"Okay," said Phantom. "We'll talk then! Why did you decide to hate us? What made you... people attack us?"  
  
"You're so mean to us!" cried a Sue. "We try hard, but you people just don't understand us!"  
  
"We try to help you," replied Sammy.  
  
"But you never listen!" said Kitty.   
  
"You flame us all the time!" whined a second Sue. "You're not nice! Even if we ask you not to flame!"  
  
"Who flamed?" asked Penelope.  
  
"You did!"  
  
"It's called creative critique," I said. "It's supposed to help you be a better writer. You just need to look up and face reality."  
  
The Mary-Sues, now that they were cornered to answer our explanations, fell silent and hung their heads. A sigh of exhaustion echoed around the room.   
  
_Thud!_ A crash was heard from overhead, followed by a deep scraping noise.  
  
"The battle!" exclaimed Amarth. "They've started!"  
  
"They should've started quite some time ago," grumbled Hoshiko. "They were ready for combat when we left."  
  
"When we were attacked," said Newmoon.   
  
Then the noises stopped. No one spoke.  
  
"Is it just me," whispered Phantom, "or is it just really quiet?"  
  
"Too quiet," muttered several people, both Sue and non-Sue.  
  
...Silence...  
  
That's when the tunnel started caving in. Rocks crashed into the lair row by row, yet fell in a pattern very similar to dominoes.  
  
"Well," I said in an optimistic tone, "if the ceiling is falling apart on the far left, then something must be happening on the far left."  
  
"And the activity is starting to move towards us," said my clone in the same tone.  
  
Then the rocks _stopped _caving in. Very odd.  
  
"Now, we're safe."  
  
A smile of comfort appeared lightly on everyone's face. But, of course, the smile died when a giant boulder about thirty times the size of all twenty-four of us came crashing through the ceiling. Then, as if on wheels, the boulder started rolling towards us at an accelerating pace.  
  
"We're going to get flattened if we stand here any longer, aren't we?"  
  
Everyone nodded cheerfully and brightly.  
  
"Hey. Can we run?"  
  
"...That'd be a good idea."  
  
We all stood there and nodded happily again. The boulder kept rolling towards us with no sign of stopping or slowing down. Still, we all stood there and nodded happily again.   
  
"OH FOR GOODNESS' SAKE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"  
  



	17. Identity Revealed

Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. All Authors and OC's used with permission.  
  


* * *

  
**The File Cabinet**  
  
"MINE!"  
  
"MINE!"  
  
"MINE!"  
  
Oh, the many Mary-Sues that were blinded by the dust those two made. Traveling by at least two-fifty* miles per hour, Angawende the Mary-Sue general, and Narcisuss the former Mary-Sue, were racing each other with the fiercest feelings of competition burning between them. If anyone, Sue or non-Sue, was stupid enough to fall into their path, they were brutally murdered with a quick stampede of two pairs of feet.  
  
"Give it up, you old hoot!" barked Angawende, starting to accelerate ahead of Narcisuss.  
  
"Shut up!" the mother replied angrily as she regained equal distance with her daughter.  
  
"Even if you did make it there first," continued Angawende, forgetting to apologize as she trampled a random soldier, "you would not succeed! My Mary-Sue charms will get him any day!"  
  
"Mary-Sue charms? Hah! You call those Mary-Sue charms? I could naturally seduce anyone back in my day!"  
  
"Yeah! So long ago, you twit!"  
  
"If it was once possible, then in fiction it is always possible!"  
  
Ember almost got hit as he tried to grab a hold of at least one of the two. Watching them cause destruction on the battlefield, he had guessed that the chaos would definitely increase if they both stopped and focused their attention on one object. But it was too late. They had already used their amazing Mary-Sue skills to bound up the cliff walls in a few swift, graceful jumps.  
  
_ I got shot by an arrow today_, wrote Onikunshu in his web log as he tossed the empty can of soda over his shoulder. _I am going to die very soon, but I am confident that once the Authors are recovered, my life will be granted to me once more. I am curious as to whether Authors have the ability to grant life to themselves. Is it possible for them, or can that only be done by the Lord of the Real World? The Author merely calls him 'God'. I've seen her stalking around the office cursing herself because she said the name in vain. The oddness of such a motive haunts me.  
  
  
Pow!_  
  
"Oniii!" "Daddyyyyy!" "How was your day--" "Oh great and wonderful father? I know that--" "You're feeling tired and stressed. Why don't you--" "Get rid of Mom and spend time with meeeee?!?!?!" "Forget you daughter. I'm better medicine for you." "She's lying. She's going to poison you." "Silly child! ...Go away." "See? She's just mean and stupid! Make her go away! Shoo! Shoo!" "Oh, you pesky person! Behave, won't you?" "She's evil. She wants to kill you." "You kill everyone." "Again! She's---" "WHAT DO YOU CRAZY WOMEN WANT WITH ME?"  
  
"Awww..." whined both Angawende and Narcisuss. "Don't yell at us..."   
  
Onikunshu opened his mouth to reply, but fell dumbstruck once they started staring innocently at him with their identical huge, glamorous, dazzling, pulsing--I mean-- er... sparkly, green eyes. They had gone totally Mary-Sue, and no force on earth could stop them from taking over FFNH. Luckily, they were only aiming for one person, who at the moment was totally paralyzed and could not move a muscle. The eyes had ensnared him.  
  
"How dare they!" screamed Ari. "They used the eyes!" She swiped up Morikallo and shook him furiously by the collar. "How dare they use my trademark! Kallo, kill them or something! Aaarrrgh!... Kallo?"  
  
Ari's angered face turned to a curious expression as she noticed Morikallo's face went parchment-white, his brown eyes focusing on something near the ground. She turned and looked down. A tumbler, probably filled with coffee, was rolling along the rocks and heading toward the edge. And before Morikallo could do anything about it, the tumbler flew over the edge and spiraled down to the next ledge, where it probably continued to roll and roll and roll.... _splat!_... until it landed on someone's head.  
  
"OUCH! HOT COFFEE! HOT COFFEE!"  
  
"Argh! Where's Ted when you need him?"  
  
"Here! Hold still, Jack. Let's hope that coffee won't leave a burn."   
  
"It's like the time that horse knocked you over into the---"  
  
"Hot campfire remains. Don't remind me, Blue."  
  
Morikallo stood on the spot and listened to the outlaws continue their banter. Then, very silently, he took out a small chalkboard from out of nowhere and started scribbling on it with a piece of white chalk. Ari watched him very curiously with extreme interest. When the elf-warrior was finished, he gave the chalkboard to her, drew his sword, and suddenly ran off screaming hysterically.  
  
Then she heard him give a command, which was followed by several high-pitched Sue screams and more hysterical laughter. The four muses were cackling evilly as they loaded another cream pie into a small catapult and launched it into the crowd of fighters. Ari paused to watch them continue pie Sues from overhead before turning her attention to the chalkboard. Upon it, in neat capitol letters, there was:  
  
_ EYES = MARY-SUE = ENEMY = RESPONSIBLE FOR KNOCKING OVER COFFEE = MUST BE DESTROYED = CREAM PIES_  
  
"Fascinating calculations," muttered Ari to herself, tossing the chalkboard to the side. However, as she sat down on the most comfortable rock she could find (which was luckily some odd twenty feet away from Oni, Narcisuss, and Angawende) a very faint, very withered, and very frightened sound approached her keen elvish ears. It sounded not perfect like the scream of a Mary-Sue impaled upon the blade of a sword, but more... more terrified and chaotic. There were several of the voices, and they sounded like they were being chased... by something huge... and rolling... and solid.  
  
"Kallo!" called Ari, scrambling to her feet and heading behind a rock wall, where a safe passage was built. It was also a wall for the archers, should the Mary-Sues overtake the shoal of stone and force the OC's (the anti-sue ones) deeper into the Black Lands. For now, it was a healing quarter, where Ari found Wisdom pacing about a throng of injured soldiers.   
  
"Have you seen---"  
  
"The Authors?" finished Wisdom. "No. They've been missing for quite some time. I worry..."  
  
"Well from what I've just heard," said Ari, crossing her arms and hanging her head, "they might be in grave danger at this very moment."  
  
"Where have you seen them? asked Wisdom urgently.  
  
"I heard them in the east. They seem very deep underground somewhere."  
  
"Lead the way."  
  
Ari turned to take the mortal cleric out of the healing quarters, until---  
  
Boom! A furious, bellowing roar would've caused lightning to crash through the skies had sound the power to do so. A large black tail came swinging through the rock wall that was the fort to the healing quarters. It waited there for a few moments before it came whipping up into the air again and slapping the earth with a powerful whap.  
  
"Angawende's lost her temper," groaned a nearby dead soldier.  
  
"Hey!" cried Wisdom, backing up away from the corpse. "I thought you died some five minutes ago! I saw you!"  
  
The dead soldier grinned and stuck up a thumb. "S'called reincarnation, baby!" Then he died again.  
  
"...Woah."  
  
"We had better get moving!" urged Ari, yanking Wisdom to his senses and pushing him across the gap the tail had made, and back to the scene where she heard the screaming. But as they took a peek to check how the battle ws moving on, they stopped.  
  
Everyone on the battlefield was completely still. The Mary-Sues had stopped fighting. In steady awareness, the other OCs used this silent time to take a breath. It would have made more sense to kill the Sues while they were not looking, but it seemed that something, something wrong for all OC's... was happening. Even Morikallo, and Ember, and the Muses, and even Joe had stopped.  
  
Either that or the Sues had cast a spell on them to make them still.  
  
But the only thing that moved, save time itself, was Angawende, breathing fast and furiously. Onikunshu had kinda' died, and Narcisuss was parchment white with shock. "I hate you both!" screamed the Mary-Sue general. "I hate you both! I'm going to be a sore loser! And I'm going to like it! I'll be on my own, now! You suck!"  
  
A soprano gasp was made by every Mary-Sue on the battlefield.  
  
"That's not a Mary-Sue quality!" shrieked Estelia. "She lost! Mary-Sues never lose the fight!"  
  
"Let's kill her for lying to us!" hollered another Sue.  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
Angawende's angered gaze widened. The Mary-Sues were turning towards her with weapons aimed and faces grinning.   
  
"How dare you betray us, Angawende!"  
  
Angawende shook her head for a moment, staring down at her white robes, which were now stained in dirt and rock. Stained...  
  
"Pure Angawende might've not been a loser and honest to her people..." she muttered to herself. Then, she sat up and looked down into the battlefield. "But Naurglahad will do whatever she wants whenever she wants!" She leapt to her feet and grinned wildly into the Mary-Sue crowd. "And she doesn't care if it's going to hurt anyone in the process!"  
  
Off came her white robes, revealing her old, tattered, un-modest, rebellious black robe and belts. She turned to Narcisuss and smiled somewhat insanely. Narcisuss nearly screamed as Naurglahad launched herself at her and hugged her tight. "Mom," she said honestly. "Screw you." Leaving the sorceress in a paralyzed state, she went to her dead father and gave him a hug. Nothing happened.  
  
"Good!" she laughed. "He's straight dead!" Then, she reached behind him and pulled out several knives and a hand-size sack of items. "He always told me not to play with these... poisoned knives." She sniffed the blade of the knife like a primitive hunter. "But now that he's DEAD, I can do stupid stuff!" She took a dive over the edge and headed out into the battlefield. But before she began fighting, she turned back. "Boys!" she called to the three outlaw men, who were midway through deciding what to do with Jack's coffee burn. She raised a knife into the air.   
  
"Get out there and fight like there's no tomorrow! Yeehaw!"  
  
  


* * *

*That's two-fifty as in 250 mph. 


	18. The Sword of Joe the Nazgul

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to JRR Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used with permission.  
  


* * *

**Author's Note:**  
Phantom gave me some creative critique and said that it was a bit difficult to tell when the story switches POV's. I was so happy. I love Creative Critique. If I don't get it then sometimes it tells me that I might be turning into a Mary-Sue (ultimate perfection). Anyways, I'm not quite sure how to make it easier, but I suppose I can put the speaker's name between the asterisk break (this thing: ~*~).  
Is that a good idea or is there a better way to illustrate this?  
  
Thanks,  
Naheka  
  


* * *

  
**The File Cabinet**  
  
I tripped and stumbled for a moment, but nothing could stop me from getting to my feet again and continuing to run like a wild one. The roll of the boulder along the earth was like a thundering earthquake heading after us. Deeper than the hooves of the horses of Bruinen, and louder than the roar of an unstoppable tornado running across Kansas, I had hoped that maybe we'd land in Valinor if the Wicked Witch was really behind all of this. Maybe she was. I shuddered. I thought that if anyone wrote a crossover between The Lord of the Rings and The Wizard of Oz, it would surely be a Mary-Sue.  
  
"A DEAD END!"  
  
Yes, there it was. A nice, big, black wall waiting for us at the end of the tunnel. A spot of gentle sunlight shone there and there was a slight dip in the earth, a perfect groove for the boulder to land in once it had smushed us flat. In the blur of what probably would've been the last few moments of my life, I heard someone say to get their prayer books out and start praying like there was no tomorrow, for there would be no tomorrow.  
  
"Fight like there's no tomorrow!" I heard Naurglahad's voice shout. I sighed and depressed sigh. It was probably my mind expressing a fond memory. This would be the last time I would remember it.  
  
We halted in front of the wall. It was a very even, vertical wall. No grooves to climb on, no slopes to scramble up; just that flat emotionless surface.  
  
"Good-bye," sobbed Jiana to all who were doomed, hugging Europa around the neck. She sniffed and returned the hug, her own face stained with tears.  
  
"It was really, really nice knowing you, Phantom," whimpered Amarth. "There were a lot of good adventures in the fiction forest, chasing after Mary-Sues."  
  
"I wish I didn't have to die!" Phantom cried in return.  
  
"I never thought..." whispered Hoshiko to herself.  
  
"Thought we'd finish like this," finished Penelope.  
  
"We tried so hard, and got so far," I sang lamely, totally off key in my drowning sorrow, "But in the end, it doesn't even matter!"  
  
"We're going to die and lose it all," continued Sammy.  
  
"Stop singing!" screamed Newmoon, apparently going hysterical with all of the death thoughts passing around.  
  
The boulder was coming. It was not going to stop. We all went hysterical. Here it comes, there it was, it's right here, now it's...  
  
Someone gave a rough shout. "Punt!"  
  
_Whap!_  
  
"OUCH! MY ARSE!"  
  
When I opened my eyes one millionth of a second later, I was flying. _Am I in Heaven? _I thought blankly, watching white clouds pass over my face. But then, as I dove in elevation, someone caught me with both hands. "NO! _YOU'RE_ HERE! THIS MUST BE THE OTHER PLACE!"   
  
"Seeing a Nazgul doesn't necessarily mean you've entered Udun!" shouted Joe. "You're lucky to be alive!" His metal hands were holding me up by the collar of my shirt. The silence between us was disturbing. Tears splooshed down my face again.  
  
"I WANT MY MOMMY!"  
  
"Agh! Evil Author child person!"  
  
"Joe! Drop her and catch the next one!" called another voice. It sounded like Ember's.  
  
I was still crying and screaming and throwing a fit as Joe tossed me over to the side and caught the next Author. Amarth looked like someone had tried to snap her spinal cord in two as she was thrown some three feet away from me. As she tried to stand, her face was red and was actually hobbling a few inches out of the landing range before Phantom came flying through and knocked her to the earth again.  
  
Newmoon looked thoroughly shocked with a face so white it was turning blue. The same was for Kitty, who came in fifth, and Penelope who flew in right after her. Coffeegirl shot out like a bullet from a pistol. Hoshiko and Sammy nearly collided into Newmoon as they came simultaneously, and Europa and Jiana were gasping for breath mere moments after.   
  
"Say, Naheka?" gargled Coffeegirl, "Does Naurglahad play football by any chance?"  
  
"Yeah," I coughed in reply, "she played for the _Fighting Uruk-Hai_ in high school. Won lotsa' games with that kickoff of hers..." Realization dawned on me. "Don't tell me she was---"  
  
"Most likely." Then, Coffeegirl shuddered and fell the ground in weariness.   
  
Phantom did not bother to move from her half-dead position on the ground as she asked, "Okay, out of the twelve Authors that are here right now, who got the best landing?"  
  
"Twelve?" said Kitty. "There's only... eleven of us."  
  
We all looked around with partially open eyes. Kitty was right.  
  
"Vana!" I ran up to Joe, who had slouched in relief. "Hey!" I yanked his hood down roughly. I knew he hated it when I did this, and that's exactly why I did it. "Where's Vana?"  
  
"Er..." answered the Nazgul. "Uh-oh..."   
  
Then at that exact moment, Vana came flying.  
  
"Ahhh!"  
  
"Ouch!"  
  
The Head Muse chuckled from his observing position near Joe. "This'll make an interesting banter!"  
  
"What did I--ai! Ai!" Joe gave a quick shudder as Vana backed off him with an unusual amount of energy, considering how much effort we had to use as we were being chased by that stupid rock-- "I'm sorry!" "Huh?" "I totally smashed into you and I didn't mean to and--" "Well, that was actually a fault on my part; I was supposed to catch--" "I didn't hurt you, did I?" "No, you--" "Of course you wouldn't be hurt! You're too great of a Ringwraith to be so injured by just little me, so I'll be off and hopefully I'll never smash into you so rudely again, oh ever-powerful Nazgul! Haveanicedaygoodbye! Ta ta!" She said this last line very quickly.  
  
"I believe that's enough sugar for all of you," said Muse #4.  
  
"We haven't had any sugar for... days," answered Amarth.  
  
"Then that's enough excitement for all of you," he re-stated.  
  
"You can say that again," said Sammy.  
  
"Then that's enough excitement for all of you."  
  
I could've sworn I heard Onikunshu's voice scream something like "Shut the" insert bad curse word "up before I rip your livers out!" Apparently, no one else heard this shout, for everyone ignored it.  
  
"Retreat!" came the cry of a random soldier. "Retreat! The Mary-Sues are too powerful! Retreat! By order of second captain!"  
  
"Looks like you've started the war already," said Penelope to Joe.  
  
"Hours ago," replied the Nazgul. "And by the looks of it," he turned his head to the west, where the Mary-Sues continued to advance upon the departing army. "we'll be fighting for weeks."  
  
  
**~*Joe*~**  
  
  
"We are losing the battle, our men are tired, we're running low on a weapon supply, and our captain is dead!" Morikallo stood up with such swift motion that we thought he was going to explode in anger. "This is a lost cause! We are going to die here!"  
  
"Tell me about it," muttered Naurglahad, taking a sip of soda with extreme causality.  
  
"Sarcasm is not going to help us, Naurglahad," said Ember. "We need a better plan! You are the general's daughter; you should be the one to call the commands."  
  
She chuckled lightly to herself. We stared at her as if she were going mad. "You silly elf. What would that do for us?"   
  
"You have identical battle tactics," explained the Head Muse. "You'd be the next best thing to Onikunshu."  
  
Everyone jumped as she flew to a stand even quicker than Morikallo's. "And it is because of him that we are losing!" In a flash she crushed the soda can and thrust it aside, taking a slow pace around the night campfire with a devious sneer on her pale face. "The battle strategies my father and I use are a specific type of strategy! There is no possible way for it to work out as well as it has to if we use it here. What totally surprises me, now that I dare to think of it, is how stupid both of us were to overlook the fact that we were both completely unfamiliar with our soldiers and our battle grounds." She stopped pacing and put a hand to her chin. "And come to think of _that_, it's really thanks to _me_ that you're all still _alive_. If my plans were as perfect as they could be, then the Mary-Sues would have overtaken this surrendering fort hours ago. And ergo," she said in a concluding tone, "if you elect me as your general...you will all die in a blazing, fiery, Mary-Sue death. And my head will be made a relic of evil as it sits on a stake; a memory of the Sue that betrayed them."  
  
There was complete silence as she bowed then reclaimed her seat next to me. I had to tug my robes a bit to get her to shift off my sleeve.   
  
"We still need a head leader," said Morikallo. "We shall lose this war just as it begins."  
  
"You should be our leader," I stated. "You were second command before the captain fell, and it is only common sense that you should take his place."  
  
"Joe, Naurglahad just stated the reason why I should not be captain. My plans also have their similarities to Onikunshu's."  
  
"Does this mean we're leaderless?" asked Muse #3, continuing to knit a violet scarf as he spoke. "Forever? Until the Ice Age?"  
  
"Enough with that Ice Age prophecy," muttered Jack, rubbing his forehead with a stressed look on his face.  
  
"Well, by my opinion, impending doom is a wonderful idea!" exclaimed Naurglahad. She turned to me and raised an eyebrow. "I'm somewhat surprised that you, you freakish undead Wraith, don't agree with me! Doom upon all!"  
  
"Naurglahad," I replied dully, "that's just stupid."  
  
"Shut up," she grumbled in reply. And being the bloody assassin/ ruthless warrior/ football player/ anti-goodness person she was, she took no hesitation in swinging her elbow into my chest, of course concluding in a messy topple of black fabric and metal. Unfortunately, in the process my sword was knocked out of its sheathe.   
  
Several gasps were heard. Even Naurglahad gave a small scream. As I rose to my feet, spots of dirt staining my once clean, pure midnight black robes, I realized that all of the OCs had fled to the other side of the campsite. Ari was hiding her face in Morikallo's shirt, whose brown eyes had gone out of focus. Ember grabbed a hold of Wisdom's wrist before the cleric nearly fell over and squashed the Muses. Elenmir was backed up into the corner, and the three outlaws merely looked totally confused, but had backed up in caution, just to be sure. Strangely enough, Naurglahad had actually dared to cling onto Blue's shoulder in terror.  
  
"Who... who are you?" several stuttered softly.  
  
I did not answer. Instead, I silently picked up my sword, and put it back in its sheathe. Why did they need an answer? 'Twas technically none of their business. No one had to find out about it; not now.   
  
And slowly, step by step, Naurglahad came forward with a shocked, unsure stare ringing through her wild green eyes. As she stopped, she gave a solemn, approving nod to her fellows. Then, to my utter surprise, she did not make a sudden strike to kill me. Instead, ironically instead, she bent on one knee and...  
  
"I shall do as you ask, Milord," she whispered gauntly. "You are our new captain."  
  
I could not find any words to express the horror I felt at that moment, watching all the OCs suddenly bend on knee and recite the exact same thing. But this did not make any sense. I just dumped one of my biggest secrets, and one of the first things they do is to bow before me and claim me as alpha? This was indeed the strangest deviltry I had seen yet.  
  
Morgoth, help me.  
  


* * *

  
  



	19. The Fort is Taken

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _The Lord of the Rings_. It belongs to JRR Tolkien.  
  


* * *

  
**Author's Note:**  
I am very, _very_ sorry that this chapter didn't come out last week. I had totally rammed my plot into a wall, and I didn't know where else to turn. However, as the week passed, I was hoping that the Authors who didn't get a chance to read the last few chapters, could catch up so that they weren't behind. I use the review board to make sure that everyone has read the latest chapter. Unfortunately, even if I have given update notices to all twelve Authors, it seems that less than half have taken note of it.  
This tells me that either they have very busy lives (like mine) or that they've just stopped reading. The ignorance of the problem irks me very much.  
  
Have a good Sunday,  
Naheka  
  


* * *

**The File Cabinet**  
  
  
  
"Hoshiko! Your jet pilot just killed a third of my armada!"  
  
"That's four points for me, then!"  
  
A falsely high-pitched voice squeaked, "Sire! The forts are being attacked by vicious enemies!" A falsely low voice grunted, "Oh no! We are all going to die!" in a very rigid pronunciation.  
  
"Save the children! _Pew! Vrrrr! Poom!_ Oh no! The buildings are collapsing! We're all doomed!"  
  
"I've destroyed the frontline!"  
  
"Newmoon's getting all the points!"  
  
"No way! This next one is going to bring my score up to twice as high as Newmoon's!"  
  
"Vana, you evil person, you! That was--"  
  
"Your general's tent! Bwahaha!"  
  
"Europa, you're sitting on my arsenal."  
  
"Oh goody! That's six points to my score!"  
  
"What the hell are y'all doing?"  
  
Jack had the most terribly confused, yet very amused expression on his face as he raised an eyebrow at the twelve Authors that were huddled in a broken circle, some odd fourteen dozen paper cranes scattered everywhere. _Crane Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Sues_ had ensued in our sad, deprived, and disturbed imaginations; apparently we had lost all track of what was going on outside of our heads. The walls of the keep had kept us safe for several hours, but alas, it had also kept us incredibly bored without anything but a stone wall to stare at.  
  
We exchanged glances for a moment. Phantom shrugged her shoulders. "We dunno'."  
  
"Thought so."  
  
"Well, you do look like your having fun," sighed Elenmir, glancing with but a little hint of concern about our sanity.   
  
I blinked happily and nodded my head. I would speak no words, for if I did so, then the paper crane that I was holding in my mouth would fall out. My teeth gripped the right wing as the rest of the body dangled over my chin. It pleased my lost mind, so if you don't mind, "I'd prefer to be losht and happy, not knowing dat you're all shtaring at me wit your accusing glaresh! Shtop it!"  
  
"Naheka," said Penelope, "it'd be easier to speak if you took the General out of your mouth."  
  
I clutched my legs as I swiped the paper bird out of my mouth. "You forsake me! All of you, with your accusing glares! You haunt me." Yes, I did start rocking back and forth insanely. "...I need to go into denial..."  
  
"Don't worry about her," grunted Naurglahad, midway through a lazy yawn. "She does that all the time."  
  
"Leave me alone, you fooool!"  
  
"Oh, you don't want to start that stupid argument again, do you?"  
  
"Shut up before I start talking to myself again." "People find it very amusing when you talk to yourself." "Go away. You're just my stupid conscience." "You're supposed to _listen_ to your conscience, idiot!" "Don't call me an idiot." "You make me and others sick." "I hate you." "You don't have any friends!" "...Er, wrong line?" "Hey, if you're going to be skitzo, at least do it the right way and be Gollum!" "Go away." "You'll never make me go! Neverrrr!"  
  
Naurglahad coughed. "You do realize that you've just been talking to yourself for the last five minutes, eh?"  
  
I blinked and turned to my OC. "Really?"  
  
"Yeah, really."  
  
"Oh... I need to go into denial."  
  
"Oh, good gawd."  
  
**~Naurglahad~  
  
**"Where did you get that sword?"  
  
"Don't ask."  
  
Joe kept walking and tried to ignore me, probably in hopes that I would give up and go away. Well, I like annoying Joe, so I just kept following him over hill and dell of rock. The sky was a gray pool of clouds, polluted with smoke from the battlefields, tarnished with broken stars of hopes and dreams. _Mary-Sue must be very angsty at the moment_, thought I. _Damn weather control powers_. Then at that moment it began to rain directly on my head. _Only_ on my head. Looking up, I spotted a puffy black cloud circumnavigating the area above me.   
  
"It's strange how they get little rain clouds to follow you everywhere, eh?" said Joe, glancing over his shoulder for a moment to observe that stupid little clog of black that hovered above my head.   
  
"I think," I replied bitterly, "that it's just SICK and WRONG and STUPID and ANNOYING and --- "  
  
"You get angry rather quickly."  
  
"No shit."  
  
Joe shook his head. "It's so sad how the Author creates such vulgar characters with a barbaric vocabulary. Asinine and pitiful actions indeed..."  
  
"It's so sad how Mary-Sues can kill off people who's daughter is going to kick their ass one way or another."  
  
"You were rejoicing the death of your father, earlier," muttered the Nazgul. "I assume that you are now both psychopathic and ?schizophrenic"  
  
"...Huh?"  
  
"You kill people without control and you have split personalities."  
  
"...I don't know what the _frigu_ you are talking about but even though I hate him with nearly all forces possible, he's still my dad; I'm part of him. It's like... how angry would you be if someone chopped your arm off?"  
  
"I believe I would be more panicked and horrified than angry."  
  
"Nevermind..." She crossed her arms and closed her eyes. "Oh, I give up!" She looked up and started singing, "I'm a skitzo! A skitzo! A skitzo! I'm a skitz-o!"  
  
"No! Not that stupid song!" cried Joe.  
  
"Hey! It's a good song!" "The Author won't stop singing it." "I'm a skitzo!" "Stop it!" "Never!" "Shut up!" "...Don't tell me to shut up." "Shut up." "That's it! You've crossed the line!" "And what line is that?" "My temper line!" "Which is a crooked one that is drawn vertically, not horizontally!" "You insult me?" "What else would I be doing?" "You're so weak! No wonder that stupid hobbit got so easily through the Black Gates and to the Mountain of Fire." "Why do you call me that?" "Because you... you DIED in the books!" "Shut up! You've got the wrong Nazgul! You haven't even read the books!" "The Author told me." "The Author? She can't tell the difference between Legolas ranting in Lorien, and Bombadil singing in the Old Woods!" "But she _can_ tell the difference of the death of Smaug and Azgahal stabbing Glaurung!" "What does that have to do with anything?" "She's going to find out! They're all going to find out sooner or later! You cannot hide it!" "Yes I can!" "No you can't!" "Yes I can!" "No you can't!"  
  
  
**~Narcisuss~**  
  
Really, I should be thankful that he cannot hear me anymore. People tell me all the time that there's absolutely no use in trying to convince him that we are the two pieces that make one, indelible fate. He doesn't believe me. Maybe that's why Death has taken his life away; because he was blind. As soon as the war is over, Naheka can re-charge his life in the Fiction-Dome... but suppose the war never ends? We'll never see our file cabinet again.  
  
"ARGH! I WILL KILL YOU!"  
  
Said cry was shouted by two people simultaneously. It was immediately followed by a blur of two different languages; one that I had recognized as the Black Speech, which I had learned in Mordor, and the other as the tongue of dragons. Oni spoke this language, but this tone was too high for it to be him. It had to be Naurglahad.  
  
_ Voosh! Smash!_  
  
Naurglahad and the Ringwraith came flying out of the sky and landed in a tussle on the ground. I thought that they would have stopped dead at that moment, but instead they sprung into life and started punching and kicking each other. I couldn't help but just stare. I wondered if I should call for help or settle it myself or just ignore it. 'Twas a hard decision, but unfortunately I had thought for too long. They ran off screaming into the battlefield.  
  
"I'll just be thankful that I know she inherits temper tantrums from her father."  
  
Suddenly, a storm of arrows rained onto the fort. I jumped to my feet and looked over the walls of the fort. Now another decision was placed upon my shoulders: should I faint, cry, or just stand here? I saw Morikallo and Ember and the hundred other soldiers positioned in the frontline.  
  
They were all _dead_.   
  
There was a tsunami of Mary-Sues mounted on horses and purple dragons and gold eagles. They had taken the battlefield, the frontline, and pretty soon, the fort wall. The last area they had to destroy was the keep.   
  
And that was just where they were headed.  
  


* * *

  
Kitty, Penelope, I am so sorry. This is not a mean of offense but I cannot tell either of you anything comforting lest I tell you the end of the story. I am very, very sorry. HAVE A BROWNIE! HERE! (snags a baking tray from Joe and shoves it) TAKE ALL THREE HUNDRED! AGAIN, I'LL DIE IF I EAT ANOTHER! If the other Authors want some, you'll have to either ask Joe or fight over the brownies. Sorry.  
  
Naheka  
  



	20. The Condemnation

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used with permission.  
  


* * *

  
**Author's Note: **   
I made another original fiction site!  
  
Be sure to sign the guestbook! It's about this little story thing that my cousins and I made up in '97. Can't tell you much; I'll kill the content if I do. It's a fantasy thing, almost like my Ryunarasu site (). I've also got the story on the site posted on FictionPress.Net. I'd appreciate it if you reviewed, but no need for an extreme plea. Thanks!  
~_Naheka_  
  
**Tally-ho!**  
  


* * *

  
**The File Cabinet**  
  
  
In the single time of a mere half hour, Mary-Sue had efficiently slew the front line without much of a mess. They had taken the strong fort wall, slashing it down to crumbled ruins upon a burnt earth, and smearing the remains into its great face. The Keep was the easiest to overcome. Very few could do anything to resist, and many had been smitten viciously. There were only a few dozen left, barely alive, while the rest... had been sent back from hence they came.  
  
"Go back to the Shadow!" Estelia had exclaimed. "Be quenched, Fire of Foe! Return to what you were in the beginning!"  
  
And every OC that had fought in the war, fought against the Mary-Sue, was prosecuted. They were ethereally transported to what the Mary-Sues had lovingly entitled, "Hell".  
  
  
** ~Naurglahad~**  
  
  
Maybe that's what death really is. It's merely an ending to an old life and a beginning to a new one. Well, on the verge of death at that very moment, that wasn't really the question. The true inquiry was more like, what happens after death? When the fires die down, and all that is left in this world is the tarnished earth and the failing stars, forsaken by what was called hope and faith... and the hollow shell of your own loved ones, their lifeless, also forsaken forms, covered in the ash of defeat. And then you will look at your own hands and curse the one who made them, for your hands had failed to do anything worth saving.  
  
What if was like the movie _Signs_? Was this defeat a sign to the world? Was our hard-fought victory supposed to be an advantage to Fate? Maybe it was. Maybe we were meant to fail.  
  
Well damn Fate! I die now in vain, and I've been condemned by Mary-Sue, never to return again.  
  
Here comes the White Light...   
  
Goodbye.  
  
  
** ---  
**   
  
"NOOO! GO AWAY!"  
  
"Nah! You'll never escape me!"  
  
What... the... I thought I died earlier. My eyes eased open. Everything was all white. Maybe I was in Heaven.  
  
"But if YOU two are here.... THIS MUST BE THE OTHER PLACE! NOOO!"  
  
"NOOO!"  
  
Onikunshu and Narcisuss were hopping about the area again, screaming madly without any intentions to stay still. I scanned the room carefully, wary of whether this was a Sue chamber or not. But thankfully, it wasn't. In fact, it was the inside of Naheka's Fiction Dome. But hadn't that Mary-Sue condemned us? Didn't she send us to Hell? I pondered intensely for a moment.   
  
I recalled, "_Be quenched, Fire of Foe! Return to what you were in the beginning_!" That meant that we were supposed to die, permanently. To return to our last life, our Hell, our Creator.  
  
...And then I remembered that we were OCs. Original Creations.  
  
"Figured it out, child?" asked Onikunshu finally. I snapped back into reality. "Though a Mary-Sue is indeed a powerful creature, it is still an OC. An OC cannot overpower the abilities of the mightiest ones that roam this campus."  
  
My jaw dropped. "Wait... you're saying that that scrawny, little, punk, child of an Author is stronger than us?"  
  
"Aye, she is."  
  
"...But I've beaten her up some odd sixty-three times."  
  
"Sixty-eight," stated Narcisuss in a matter-of-factly tone. "I counted.  
  
"Well, she has never pulled the ultimate consequence on you," muttered my father in reply. "Deletion." When he said that word, I thought my ears would pop off.  
  
"So... can they Delete the Mary-Sues?"   
  
He shook his head. Damn. "Only the creator of the Sue can Delete the Sue." Then he opened the door of the Fiction Dome and reached into the File Cabinet. It was a portfolio; a black and silver portfolio. My eyes widened. "But know that once the Author is killed," he flipped open the folder, "we are killed. Got it?"  
  
"Right... So... whatcha' gonna' do with that special little folder, eh?"  
  
His pale hands graced the first sheet of paper, a leaf barely marked with any text, save the few letters that had been typed there. "Do you remember the Tale of Creation? You called it a bedtime story as a child. But now, no one can call it as such a folly. What acts we perform in the next few hours determine the fate... of the world."  
  
"Really?" I asked sincerely.  
  
"Really."  
  
I paused. "Dammit!" I slapped my thigh. "Why do we always have to save the frickin' world? It's always getting itself into some frickin' trouble!"  
  
"It's a curse, dear," sighed Narcisuss. "Many OCs must bear it."  
  
"Yeah. It's called the _Curse of Cliche_."  
  
"Precisely," said Onikunshu. "Now, what was the story again?" He started flipping through the papers in the portfolio.  
  
"_In every day the Sun brings light_," I answered, almost singing as I recited (very frightening; I couldn't sing a straight note if my life depended on it)  
"_And every night the Moon brings stars,   
The clouds of fate are always there,   
To all of those who breathe beware,   
That with every life there is a death,   
And with every death there is a life,   
One for one, other for other,   
A doom bound to us,  
And forever the end._"  
  
Onikunshu handed Narcisuss a packet of papers. She accepted them graciously and took them under her arm, walking to the space of the wall to the right of the Fiction Dome. A complicated piece of machinery was installed in the wall below the input plugs the Author had used to install Canon/Created characters. According to these really, really thick hand-out papers we were given some time last year, all full of this complex and meaningless crud, the machine was called an "Inter-literature Multi-purpose OC Service Station".   
  
The IMOSS ( I liked to call it "I M Overly Sickened and Sad"; don't ask) was a transmitter that only OCs could use. You can extract OC stuff from it, I guess. If you put in a couple quarters, you could also buy a tuna sandwich. Another dime made a soda to go with that. And with three bucks you can get popcorn, canned soup, some parsnips, a glass of water, and a sandwich. Truth be told... I really prefered just a tray of sushi.  
  
"Naurglahad... you're drooling."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Oh yeah. There was this disgusting blob of half-dragon, half-human drool pouring down my front. Narcisuss came and dabbed my face with a handkerchief. I bit the cloth and tugged it out of her hand. Okay, so I have a habit of grabbing things with my mouth, too. If you have a problem, then screw you.  
  
"Now... obviously the Mary-Sue quarters will be located somewhere in the west," said my father. "I will be flying there only by myself. But you, however... well..." He looked incredibly pained as he held out his closed fist. I carefully raised my own open hand to receive whatever he was going to give me. "You'll probably need--and want this."   
  
Like Frodo when Gandalf dropped the Ring into his hand after it had come out of the fireplace, my hand bobbed in the air as Onikunshu dropped a small silver key into my palm. I looked at it for a moment, tilting my hand, allowing the light of the room to sing upon the glimmer of the metal piece. I recognized this key with a gasp. Looking up, I saw that my father still seemed pained. Again, he was offering me some great burden of his; a packet of papers. I flipped through each leaf carefully, feeling my jaw drop with every turn.  
  
"Daddy..."  
  
"Don't call me that."  
  
I would have told him to just shut up, but it would have killed the moment. I walked across the desk and put my arms around him. "Thank you..."  
  
"...Fine... You're welcome." Oh, the ugly, bitter sweetness of the moment. He put a hand to my head and let it rest there. "But the world needs us now. Tarry not and get those papers filed! Now! Go!"  
  
  
** ~Narcisuss~**  
  
  
"You make a very cute father," I grunted, coming out of the Fiction Dome, back in black and P.O'ed for no apparent reason. Naurglahad brushed past me with a dark grin on her face, her key and paper packet clutched tightly between devious fingers. She slammed the door to the Dome as I exited, which was immediately followed by a maniacal and evil laugh. I swear, that child must be my daughter (that _was_ my laugh), whether he denies it or not.  
  
"You make a very nagging mother," Oni replied, assembling his own paper packet and heading towards the door. "One day, they'll make cards that you can just put into a slot; get your weapons quicker and easier that way."  
  
"Yes," I replied coolly, "now imagine a large, iron mace flying out of a port and slamming into your face unexpectedly. You'll catch it by the spiked end and fly straight into the Author's desk." To my annoyance, he grinned and chuckled softly. I sighed. "Every time I glare at you, you smile at me. But every time I smile at you, you go ballistic. Why?"  
  
"It's the way my mutant and sadistic family programmed me to work," he said sarcastically. I couldn't help but laugh myself.  
  
Agh. The romance that would have bloomed at that moment completely _died_ as there was a whirring noise coming from inside the Dome. What _had_ Oni given Naurglahad?  
  
"You'll see," he answered after I inquired. Then, Naurglahad re-entered the office area with an expression of a lunatic as her hands moved down to her waist to retrieve... two guns. _Guns!_ What ever happened to swords?  
  
"Mom," she said in an explanatory tone, "these are Uzis; kinda' like little pistols that fire as madly as a machine gun." She pulled out a longer gun from her waist. "Desert Eagle. Works like a revolver." And finally, the black one that rested on her shoulders. "And this one is a shotgun." She hugged the long, double-tubed thing. "My preciousss... nah, I like Uzis much better."  
  
"And the point of explaining all of this to me?" I asked bitterly.  
  
"...Just to show you how much _stuff_ Daddy taught me!"  
  
My gaze drifted to Oni, who was busy staring at a random spot on the ceiling.  
  
"BYE!"   
_  
VROOM! VROOM! BANG!_ "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
In a flash, she had busted out of the office completely, a trail of gas and smoke behind her. But how did she move so fast?  
  
"I warn you," said Onikunshu menacingly as he opened the door to the Fiction Dome, "never, never, _ever_... give that child a set of guns and a motorcycle simultaneously... unless she's out to save the world."  
  
"Can I _destroy_ the world instead?" I asked dully.  
  
Again to my surprise, he took my hand gently, delicately stroking my fingers with his thumb. "When the war is over, I'll do that for you."  
  
"Thanks... I guess."  
  
  



	21. The Prosecution

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used with permission. "Meep" belongs to Lily C.  
  


* * *

  
**Author's Note**  
I sincerely apologize to all the Authors; as you all know you will be put through your worst fear. But I also apologize if I got you out of character. If this is true, please notify me. I don't care if it's in a review or an e-mail, just let me know. Thank you.  
...Again! I felt sick writing a chapter... I'm going to hurl... (Joe offers Naheka a paper bag) Thanks... (Naheka walks out of the room with the paper bag)  
**Joe:** Another short apology; the chapter is a bit short, but Naheka couldn't write anymore because it made her-- (_regurgitating noises are heard from out of the room_)--... sick.   
  


* * *

**The File Cabinet**  
  
"We weren't the ones responsible for the death of your Authors!"  
  
"We thought we were going to die with them!"  
  
"Please! Just stop!"  
  
The blonde Mary-Sue only grinned her even, pearly-white teeth at us as she continued to lead us by cords bound around our wrists. We had stumbled through several golden halls and white chambers upon entering the secret Mary-Sue fort. Of course, it was sparkling clean (save the disgusting blobs of sparkly-pink flowers plastered on the walls; the Sues called it "wallpaper"). A blue mist was circulating the air, complete with the occasional yellow stars that would twinkle out of the thicker clouds. Voices, perfectly toned soprano voices, sang to us through that infernal gas, singing of a great event yet to come. It was more like a lament, as if predicting... death.  
  
And then the song abruptly changed to a random Britney Spears song.  
  
Distracted by the abhorrence of this hideous lair, I didn't notice exactly where the Mary-Sue was leading us. But finally, we arrived at the Mary-Sue's destination. It was a very large, very desolate, and very... plain white room. Nothing more. She spoke not a word to us and only smiled silently as more Mary-Sues came with pretty golden shackles and pegs. With indescribable, swift grace, and accuracy, the Mary-Sues had us chained to the ground.   
  
"Now I know how Oni feels," I thought bitterly, lazily tossing the chain around with my foot.   
  
And then the Mary-Sues left us. I stuck my tongue out at them, but continuous insults were halted by someone's frightened screaming. As I turned, I expected to see a rabid Mary-Sue chasing after her lover or something, but to my horror, I had discovered that the cruel torture had begun. Newmoon was trying to escape from something that definitely scared her. Hoshiko suddenly took the same reaction and went as hysterical as Newmoon.   
  
But the odd thing was that I couldn't see anything. I only saw the white walls of the white room. Had exhaustion cast hallucinations on them?  
  
"RUN!" shrieked Hoshiko, shaking the nearest Author madly (poor Amarth) as she pointed to something in the sky. Either that, or it was big enough to be as tall as the sky. "CAN'T YOU SEE IT?! IT'S COMING! AHHHH!"  
  
Newmoon was trying to claw across the floor. "HUGE! EVIL! SPIDER!"  
  
Everyone else looked confused. I supposed that like me, I could not see the huge evil spider that Hoshiko and Newmoon claimed to see. Suddenly, Phantom gave a squeak and jumped. Her eyes began to dart around frantically, again bolting to the side, as if something was grabbing at her, trying to catch her. She jumped again.... waited... and again... and waited.  
  
"Phantom, what are you--"  
  
"Oh no!" she hollered, pointing up to the white ceiling. "The sky is on fire!... And so are you!" She pointed to some random blank area in the room. "And you! You, too! You're all on fire! And... I'M ON FIRE, TOO!" The hysteria of her following actions was frightening.  
  
"Something evil is happening!" cried Vana. She crouched to the ground to pull her peg out of the ground, until... well, she just stopped moving altogether. She stopped breathing, too.   
  
"Vana?" called Europa. "Hey?" Waving a hand in front of her stationary face did nothing. But every once in a while, she would make a choking sound, one that we didn't bode with too well.   
  
"Europa?" asked Jiana, tapping Europa on the shoulder.   
  
"What?" Europa turned to look at Jiana with concern, but her expression soon slid into one of horror.   
  
"Do you see the people?" whispered Jiana, pointing behind her. "They're there... they're coming..."  
  
"...It's a mob... with torches and pitchforks..."  
  
"Some of them are holding signs... What does it say?"  
  
"...'Kill Fanfiction Authors'..." Suddenly, she tried to scramble away from something behind. "NO! Don't hit! Don't hit me!"  
  
Jiana was frozen. "They want me to speak to them... for something... I don't know what.... Why am I here?" And she stood frozen for quite some time, just like that.  
  
"This is a curse!" I shouted, thrashing with my chain furiously. "The Mary-Sues are doing something to us! Just calm down!"  
  
Well, Kitty and Sammy didn't hear me. Kitty was trying to shove Sammy in front of her, but Sammy was trying to scramble away. "The LEGS!" shrieked Kitty. "You SEE how many LEGS there are?"  
  
"Of COURSE I do!" shouted Sammy in reply. "Get me away from it!"  
  
"Me first!"  
  
Penelope didn't hear me, either. She was huddled by her peg, watching something from afar. Amarth was running around in circles, screaming something about "rabid blenders that grind and slice and dice things into bloody pulps". But Penelope tried to correct her by saying that it wasn't a rabid blender, it was an "evil monkey that was going to eat her". But looking around the room, I didn't see a blender, or a monkey, or a mob of people, or giant spiders, or a fire, or a multi-legged thing. I saw something much worse.   
  
I saw Legolas.   
  
The evil, stupid, blonde elf Legolas whom I despised by all means and wished to destroy with my bare hands. I was about to hiss at him and prepare to strangle him with his own spinal cord, until I noticed that he was on bended knee before me. With a sweet smile, he offered something small laid in the palms of his petty hands. It was a ring. Then he asked, "Will you marry me?"  
  
First intention: kill him. Second intention: die on the spot. But I did neither. Instead, I screamed bloody murder and ran for my life as far as the chain would let me. I tripped and fell on my knees. Stupid peg. "Mellanamin!" he cried. "Have you hurt yourself?" More screaming. As the elf skid to a halt, just to gently lay his filthy hands on my shoulder, the world went black.  
  
I probably died after that.  
  
  
**~The Original Creations~**  
  
  
"Hurry, 'Kallo! We might be too late to save them by now!"  
  
"Don't tell that to me! Tell that to the horse!"  
  
Ari only held on tighter to Morikallo. The light gray stallion they had found in Kitty's office was the fastest steed they could find, but it wasn't likely that they could make it in time. Silver green knolls of grass passed them by like a softly waving sea. Dark outlines speeding through the grass far away indicated other swift travelers. Squinting, Ari identified Wisdom and Ember on separate horses, speeding in the same direction as they were.   
  
In a blast of wind, a black shadow flew overhead and nearly knocked both elves off their horse. The familiar dragon was flying too low for pedestrian convenience. Probably on purpose; Narcissus was hanging onto Oni's claws, which had been tucked in as he flew; she stuck her tongue out at them as she winked.  
  
_ Bang!_ Narcissus' gloating face turned to a frustrated one as she spotted someone from the yonder.  
  
There was a loud whirring getting closer to them. "Having fun?" cackled someone from behind. Naurglahad blew a wisp of smoke away from a lovely looking pistol with a long barrel. "Ah, horses." Ari raised an eyebrow at the motorcycle that was moving at the horse's pace. "Fragile creatures, aren't they?" She slipped her gun back into the holder at her waist. "But not even a Maeras could compete with me! Ha! Ha! Ha!"  
  
_Vroom! _ Black smoke trailed from her engine as she sped off ahead of the riders.   
  
Happy are the greedy ones who steal all the bread and let the others eat cake.   
  


* * *

Well, during the French Revolution, Queen Marie Antoinette heard that the people were so poor that they didn't have bread, so she said "let them eat cake". I suppose cake was a crude thing back in the 1700's.... anyways---  
Yes! Still many more questions to be answered! MANY of them. Anticipate the next couple of chapters... they may actually be of the very last... maybe.  
  
  
But of course, there is always the idea of a sequel.... meep.  



	22. Bulls and SueSludge

**Disclaimer: **I do not own The Lord of the Rings; it belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used with permission.**  
  
**

* * *

**  
The File Cabinet  
  
**"Let me bust in there! Come on!"  
  
Naurglahad thrashed and pulled like a mad bull in the arena, trying to escape her father's grip on her wrist. He wouldn't allow her to go charging in madly, guns alight and running over Mary-Sues like crazy. He said it was too unorganized and it would get the whole party surrounded by Sues in mere moments. Most of the OCs agreed with him, but being as pathetically stubborn as she was, Naurglahad wouldn't have it.  
  
The decor of the front gates weren't much help, either. It only angered Naurglahad to see small, petite flowers and woodland creatures hopping about the neatly trimmed grass and trees, all in a perpetual state to fit Vivaldi's _Four Seasons_. A small tinkling stream was singing a happy tune in harmony with the blue birds and red birds and purple birds and yellow birds. Pitifully, there were no black birds. But by popular guess, no one would be able to observe every perfect detail of this Mary-Sue garden, for Naurglahad was prepared to burn it all down in a fiery blaze of doom, death, and destruction*.  
  
"I came to assassinate Sues!" she roared, almost ripping Oni's hand off to make sure she wouldn't run loose. "We're supposed to assassinate Sues! Why won't you let me?"  
  
"Because you'll get us all killed!" shouted Oni over her crass screaming.   
  
She took a breath and slouched, seemingly weary from all of her shouting. Oni did the same. Too bad. She ran off as soon as he loosened his grip, charging recklessly at the sparkly, blinding gates of the Mary-Sue fort. "Don't let that bull break in!" cried her father, who had fallen down like an old pillar tugged by too many years, now laying sprawled on the plushy, emerald green grass.  
  
"You, three!" barked Narcissus suddenly, pointing at the three outlaws who stood on the sidelines with the Muses. "You could do cattle-ranching, couldn't you?"  
  
"Well," Ted replied with anxiety, "we ain't exactly cattle ranchers but--"  
  
"Why don't you just get her yourself?" interrupted Jack gruffly, obviously reluctant to wrestling a young woman who was probably capable of biting his head off. He raised an eyebrow at the fallen dragon-lord and the witch who stood beside him. Oni and Narcissus did not reply immediately, and instead looked down at the ground for a moment. Simultaneously, they explained dully:  
  
"We might accidentally kill her."  
  
"Y'reckon y'might kill your own daughter?"   
  
Both looked down at the ground again in a mildly curious ponder. Narcissus fingered her staff in her right hand, as Oni rattled his fingers on the earth.  
  
"Yup."  
  
"...Nice..."  
  
Bam! Everyone turned to see that Naurglahad had already started ramming into the doors. "Do it now, or else!" threatened Narcissus. "You know the consequences."  
  
Jack gave a forfeiting sigh as he approached the "bull" cautiously, keeping in mind that the "bull" probably would not hesitate to gore people to death with the "horns". Maybe if he treated her like an actual bull, she would calm down.   
  
As Naurglahad backed up to ram the door again, he took his bandana and ambushed her from behind, covering her eyes with it so that she couldn't see him and might shut up. To his relief, she did the exact thing. Only problem was, the "bull" also liked to use its sense of smell to locate enemies. Pity that Jack could not escape the---  
  
"OW!"  
  
Jack staggered away from Naurglahad, cursing as he clutched his shin and stomach. Poor Ted didn't quite know what to do; whether to help Jack or to save himself from the ferocious beast that was charging directly at him. Not much to do, really. He put his arms up to block the strong blow that he knew was coming, but thank the Lord, it didn't come to him.  
  
It collided into Blue, instead.  
  
"Never thought I'd see a woman wrestle like a lion, before," murmured Ted, dragging Jack and his bruised limbs away from the vicious duel that ensued.  
  
"That ain't no woman!" exclaimed Jack in reply. "That's a Hell-raisin', Sue-killing, football-kickin' dragon warrior!"  
  
Narcissus shook her head. "She gets it from you." She pointed to Oni accusingly. "I shudder to imagine what you were like at sixteen."  
  
Oni only grinned and cackled darkly to himself. Narcissus replied with a crass remark, and he with a sarcastic one. Jack made a comment, and Ted did, too. Then it went Oni, Jack, Narcissus, Jack, Narcissus, Oni, Ted, Jack, Oni, Narcissus, Jack, Oni, Ted, Oni. The conversation continued for about five straight minutes, and during that whole time, no one noticed the twenty-odd-something times Blue came flying and crashing to the ground, Naurglahad stomping after him and cracking her knuckles. But he always seemed to be able to get up again and take a few more hits. Luckily for him, the "bull" was tiring easily.  
  
"This is getting nowhere," whispered the Head Muse, still on the sidelines with his fellow muses.  
  
"We could bust in ourselves!" exclaimed #4.  
  
"And be spies among the Mary-Sues!" continued #2.  
  
"It has its points," commented #3, still on the same violet scarf he was working on since Wednesday; it was about twenty-feet long, now.  
  
"Will anyone notice?"  
  
The assassin, the sorceress, and the two outlaws were still debating; Blue was defying gravity and the "bull" was about to drop out from exhaustion.  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Then let's go!"  
**  
~*~  
**   
**   
**Tip toe, tip toe, tip toe -- crunch. "OW!"  
  
The Head Muse slapped a hand over #4's mouth. 4's eyes narrowed as his face reddened on the verge of going into a dramatic rant. #3 sighed, twiddling his fingers nervously in resistance to snatching the scarf in his pocket; finishing it up might calm him down. The Head Muse shook his head urgently, silently begging him not to sit down and stall; not now.   
  
It had mentally been one of the most intense journeys the Muses had ever taken. Somehow, they had luckily broken through the back door way of the Mary-Sue fort, and crept down several empty corridors. But they knew that the corridors would not be empty forever. Something was bound to happen soon.  
  
"Hey--"  
  
"WE'VE BEEN CAUGHT!" screamed all four Muses, whipping around to face the Sue that had found them.  
  
"Hey!" said #2, but he lowered his voice before identifying the one they had encountered. "Trisha!"  
  
"Ssh," whispered Trisha, putting a finger to her lips. "They don't know what side I'm really on, so keep your mouths shut before--"  
  
"And what intruders have you caught so quickly, Trisha?" asked someone from behind the Muses. It was another Mary-Sue.  
  
Trisha looked up, but instead of attacking the Sue, she smiled calmly and stroked #4 on the head. "I found..." she gave the Muses a hinting look as she picked up the Head Muse and turned him around to face the Sue. Head Muse's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. "These... adorable little Muse creatures looking for... for employment!"  
  
The Mary-Sue, blonde and purple-eyed, squealed in delight at the adorable gleam in Head Muse's petrified stare. She snatched him from Trisha's grasp and hugged him tightly. "It's so cccuuuuuuttee!"  
  
"Drop him, Sue-Sludge!" shouted #2, jumping up and down in anger. #3 couldn't take it anymore; he had to start knitting, and knitting now.  
  
"And they have personalities!" she squeaked again, yanking #2 from the ground. She also picked up #3. "With home-economic abilities!" #4 went as red as his robes, either from fury, or disgust. "And color sense! That shade of red goes perfectly with _that_ shade of red!" She beamed at Trisha, who had flung her hands behind her back to make sure that the Sue wouldn't see them cringing in remorse. "You found some _very_ good employees! You four..." she hugged them altogether, "can work... hm... at the _make-up department!_"  
  
"Ah," interrupted Trisha, taking the Muses by the hands, "actually, I was going to... send them to the flower gardens! You know, the usual weekly trim on the patches?" Trisha was lying; the trims actually came once every twenty-seconds. "We can't... let our fellow Sue's robes get all covered in dirt, can we? Nor do we want the Athelas to be taken over by weeds, eh?"  
  
"Of course not!" exclaimed the Sue, as if this was the most brilliant idea ever created. Apparently, she also forgot that Athelas was already a weed. "Take them to the flower gardens, then!" Satisfied, she waltzed away from the corridor and back into Hell's maw--well, wherever she came from.  
  
"You aren't really going to make us work in the flower beds, are you?" asked Head Muse.  
  
"No." The Muses sighed in relief. "But follow me. I thought I heard some serious torture going on in the highlands."  
  
"Highlands?" inquired #4 curiously.   
  
"The more heavily guarded areas, but I'm pretty sure we can find a way in.... Just be sure to--" The Muses widened their eyes again. "--be as hideously cute as possible."  
  


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* you gotta' love the three D's... well, I do; I just made it up.  



	23. An Invasion Gone Wrong

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used with permission.  
  


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**Author's Note:**  
Sorry for a late update. My week got a bit crowded, but I was able to whip this up several hours away from the midnight deadline. Thanks for waiting!  
_~Naheka_  
  


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**  
****The File Cabinet**  
  
A Mary-Sue and the team that tagged behind her gave a cute little wave to the four little creatures that stepped timidly after Trisha's lead. #3 just kept knitting, hoping that he just wouldn't have to look up at the Sues. #4 was fuming. Head Muse remained calm. Trisha had to drag #2 away from the Sues to get him to stop waving at them, being the best actor he could be. But as soon as they turned the corner away from the Sues, he shuddered and kept walking.  
  
"I've been hearing some very pained screams up in the Highlands," explained Trisha quietly. "I think they've started to torture OCs or something terrible like that. But they won't let me in to investigate myself. I know that they're suspicious of me. But that's where you four come in. If you guys keep your cute act up, we may be able to get through and into the Highlands."  
  
"It sounds like we're going to Scotland," said Head Muse.  
  
"...Then the biggest Sue we meet can be Nessie of the Loch," said #4 sarcastically.  
  
"I refuse to believe that Nessie is a Sue," answered #3. "If this weren't in the fanfiction world, then I would say that Nessie isn't even real."  
  
Stopping at a gate, Trisha found a golden key pad on the left, and punched in a few complicated Mary-Sue codes. For example, the first code for the first lock was what Hathorianduenadin (another Sue) had claimed to be Haldir's phone number. The second code was supposed to be the page number, word, and letter that Legolas says his first line in 'The Fellowship of the Ring'. Of course, the Sues had only scanned cold hard text, and had not considered the possibility of actually reading the book.  
  
"Just one more code..."  
  
"Oh, Trrriiiiiishaaaaaaaa!" sang a shrill Mary-Sue voice. "We found more captiiiiiiives!"  
  
"Help us drag them in!" called another.  
  
Trisha did not pause in her code-work, but a pair of pale, slender hands yanked her away from the key pad and thrust her away from the Muses. "And some of our new guests are guys! Come see if you like any of them!"  
  
"I'm kinda' busy right now," muttered Trisha, trying to pull out of the Sue's grasp. "And I'm not interested in other men--"  
  
"Oh, don't be so ashamed!" said the Sue, waving her explanation aside. "You can get any man you want! You are a Sue after all, right?"  
  
Trisha was going to scream, "over my dead body!", but instead, she kept her mouth shut. The Muses tagged 'cutely' after her. But secret intentions were actually to see if they could set these new captives free. The Sues lead them to a room that branched off to the right of another corridor.  
  
Oh, the horror. Narcissus had to be restrained by three more Mary-Sues, but it only riled her even more to see another Sue looking at Oni like she had plucked the ripest fruit from the tree. Ari snapped and screamed herself, watching Sues stare seductively at Morikallo. "Look," commented one, "they have knives and swords. They must be brave warriors!"   
  
"Ooh!" squealed another, "I like brave warriors!"  
  
"Back off, you whore," spat Oni. He didn't bother to fumble with the silver shackles on his feet and wrists.  
  
"Wow! He's feisty! This one is better than the elf."  
  
The second Sue clutched Morikallo's arm. Kallo looked like he wanted to explode and die. "No way! Elves are way hotter than regular Men."  
  
"This isn't just a regular man!" The first Sue brushed her finger against Oni's black collar (yes, he looked constipated, too). "This one must be regal! Look at this rich vest. Only high-quality people like muah can get stuff like this."  
  
"We found two more!" hollered a third Mary-Sue. Trisha stiffened as Ember and Wisdom were dragged in by the collar, both of them apparently unconscious. "Another elf, and another Man!" Propping the two up against the wall, the Sues continued to observe their catch. Eventually, Narcissus and Ari were dragged away from the scene, ranting and railing, complete with a rude and crass set of vocabulary words.  
  
"I reckon I love this one more than Leggy!" said a Sue, holding onto Ember tightly. "I've never seen him before, and he probably doesn't even know me, but I know that we're just meant to be together!"  
  
"It's amazing how Author's can just come up with guys even better looking than the ones that P. Jackson came up with," sighed a fourth, stroking Wisdom's dark hair lightly, "...or was it that other guy that came up with LOTR? His name was like Talkeen or something. Oh well. I don't really care."  
  
"Get your bloody mitts off the boys," demanded Oni darkly. "You'll all die by my hand, one day. I swear you will."  
  
"Hey!" said the first Sue, "Weren't you that general that was leading against us in that little war we had yesterday?" She giggled before he could answer. "I knew you were! I'm Aragorn's sister, and my name is Sara." The Canonical defiance didn't seem to bother any of the Sues.   
  
"I'm Amber, and I'm Arwen's cousin!" exclaimed the second Sue. She poked Morikallo in the chest; he tried to back away. "Don't you work for my uncle Elrond?"  
  
"And I'm Alantariwensteliadominque-ninohithglastirlastobethdaer, but just call me Ally," said the third Sue, fingering her long blonde hair lovingly. "I'm the elf heir to the throne of Gondor."  
  
"Which makes me, Lantarinenueniacorcena-rimoninbruinenidanimaliar, her sister, or Lina, the other heir to the throne of Gondor," said the fourth Sue.   
  
"We didn't ask for any of your stupid names," grunted Oni. The Sues ignored him.  
  
"There were three others and a rabid girl," said Amber, "that we caught trying to escape by the left wing. But our unicorn guards found them and caught them."  
  
"Which one do you like best?" asked Sara to Trisha suddenly. "Out of these four?"  
  
"I..." Trisha could feel the Muses trembling in terror at her heels. "I... like... all of them!"  
  
"All of them?" repeated Lina. "Wow, Trisha! You're so compassionate!"  
  
"And in fact," continued Trisha with an insane smile starting to spread on her face as she yanked Oni and Kallo away from the Sues, "I like them all _so_ much," she watched the Muses drag the unconscious Ember and Wisdom away, "that I am going to take _all_ of them to... get them to help me and these four muses trim the flower patches!"  
  
Lina hesitated and pawed at the ground. "Well..." she glanced at Wisdom. "...I kinda' wanted that one."  
  
"Too bad!" screeched #4. The Sues gasped. Trisha slapped her forehead.  
  
"How _un_-cute!" shrieked Lina, pointing accusingly to #4. She fainted. Her fellow Sues stared at her in horror for a moment, then glared at the Muses and their captives.  
  
"RUN!" screamed Trisha.  
  
** ~*~**  
  
Naurglahad peered over the edge of a giant box sort of a machine. Her palms were damp and sweaty, but she clung to the edge tightly, rattling her skin against the metal of the machine. Sweat trickled down the side of her cheek. For some reason, her body was trembling. Sure, she had spilt the blood of at least five Mary-Sues in the last hour, but that did not bother her at all. What really nagged at her was what she saw on the opposing side of the room.  
  
Though she was supposed to be keeping watch while Jack, Blue, and Ted investigated the area, her eyes were locked on a large white window in front of her. An extensive control board lined the bottom of the window, surrounded by more machines that were similar to the one that she lay upon. But in the window, she saw several figures running about insanely.   
  
The reason for the motions of these figures was not the easiest thing to determine, but after staring through the window for quite a while, she saw flashes of dark shapes chasing after the figures. There was something very... familiar, yet strange and new about what was occurring in that window...  
  
"...I've got it."  
  


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	24. Click Click Boom!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to JRR Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used with permission.  
  


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**Author's Note:**  
Due to popular request, the next chapter has been uploaded five days before the actual submission date! Huzzah... huzzah... meep. Special thanks to Saliva's "Click! Click! Boom!" for inspiring me to write this chapter double-double-quick! ^_^ Enjoy!  
  


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**The File Cabinet**  
  
"You're my father!"  
  
"No, I'm not."  
  
"Yes, you are!"  
  
"Get off of my robes, you filthy child."  
  
I sat in the corner on a small wooden stool, looking out the window to avoid eye contact with the little Mary-Sue that was pawing at my heels. Eventually, I just tugged my hood over my face, so that hopefully I wouldn't have to see or smell the petty woodland creatures that frolicked and flew outdoors, or the young lady that claimed to be my daughter in some distant past.  
  
"I'm telling you!" she wailed, "I'm the heir of the Nazgul!"  
  
"Really?" I asked, "Are you really the heir of the Nazgul?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"...Sorry, I but I've never heard of the Nazgul, before. Now, go away."  
  
"B-but _you're_ a Nazgul!"  
  
"No I'm not. I'm a Nazgǔl*. See the little carrot up there?"  
  
The Mary-Sue stared in shock at me with her glazed, reddish, purple eyes. I wanted to gouge them out and feed it to the dogs. I could easily do so with just the armor that I wore. But at the moment, it almost felt like my ankle had snapped off or something, and I wasn't in the mood to run after she will scream for help.   
  
"My name is Moriquendi," whimpered the girl, still tugging at my heels, desperate to prove to me that we were related. "It means Dark Elf. Can you not see that I am definitely an heir of yours?"  
  
"_Moriquendi_ is the elvish term for all of the elves who have not seen the Light of the Trees," I replied darkly. She looked confused. "If I had a daughter, she would know that, and the fact that I cannot stand your 'cute' little elfie phrases darting back and forth in what you call fanfiction. More like a bloody massacre of stupidity, if you ask for my input."  
  
Miss Moriquendi's lip trembled. I'm glad that I couldn't actually see it, but I could smell her witless, pathetic fear. I get that from Movie-Frodo all the time. Simpering hobbits... She raised her hands and placed her palms in front of the blackness of where my face is supposed to be. "I have the magic of the Dark Lord!" she cried, "I should destroy you!"  
  
I chuckled. "You can't. I'm a Nazgǔl, so you can't kill me." There was a sudden silence as the idea came to my head. "Ah, yes. That_ is_ right. I am an Ulaér, and you can't kill me." I pulled my foot back and swung it forth to her shin. She broke out into wild tears. "And I gloat at my abilities by laughing at your pain. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"  
  
I stood up and unsheathed my special sword, smashing open the door and kicking the shins of more Mary-Sues as I went. But when the torches started coming out, I just had to make a mad dash for the next door. I'm not very good with fire. Fire isn't my friend.  
  
**---**  
  
Narcissus and Ari spotted me with Mary-Sue guts all over my robes only a few moments later, but they didn't bother to give a sign. Narcissus was carrying something long and bloody in her hands, but I wasn't quite in the mood to find out exactly what they were. She and Ari were grinning very evilly. Handing me the object in her hand, Narcissus said, "Here, Joe. Have a free Mary-Sue spinal cord." The cord drooped in my grasp. It was very wet. "I extracted it from her medulla oblongata. It goes 'squeakie!' when you twist it hard enough." She took her offering to demonstrate. Giving it a hard wring, the spinal cord went 'squeakie! Squeakie!'  
  
"...Lovely..."  
  
"See this?" growled Ari, pointing to a chart that she had extracted from her pocket. It was some sort of diagram explaining, "the genealogy of the Numenoreans. The Mary-Sues are going to memorize it."  
  
"Are they now?"  
  
"Yes. Unless," she extracted a pair of scissors from her pocket, too, "they want that nice long hair cut off."  
  
"But I'm going to cut it off anyway!" cackled Narcissus.  
  
As they burst off into a round of maniacal and devious laughter, I could not help thinking to myself, "These women are evilll-er than their male counterparts."  
  
  
**~To the Team Who Hopefully Runs Like the Wind~**  
  
  
"Nice going, bucko!" snapped Trisha to #4, taking the lead in front of Oni. Morikallo was in tag with him, followed by the Muses. The men had to carry Wisdom and Ember over their shoulders. Poor OCs were getting jostled violently, and they weren't even conscious of it.  
  
"Shut up and keep running," muttered Oni, grabbing from his belt. At first, they thought he was going to pull out a gun and shoot the Sues to death, but instead, it was tiny capsule. "That, and hold your noses; don't breathe at all." _Blam!_ Yesh, assassins and their fancy smokescreens. However, this particular composition seemed to be much more hazardous than your average smokescreen. It was a darker black, and smelled worse than a rotting Barrow-Wight stuffed in the same barrel for six Ages.   
  
"What is that stuff?" gagged Morikallo, covering his nose as well as Ember's.  
  
"Your average moldy and nasty things in nature," replied the dragon lord, "and... Mary-Sue perfumes."  
  
"Aren't those supposed to smell like fragrant flowers?"  
  
"Let me finish. The motives of a Mary-Sue is always at the extremes. Therefore, the scent of a Sue is usually lovely, or terrible."  
  
"Sues never have a terrible smell."  
  
"But when you chemically extract the sweetness from Sue-fumes, you always get an extreme; extreme opposite; an extremely disgusting smell, for this situation."  
  
"...Where do you get all of this stuff?"  
  
"...From the wrong side of the world, boy. That's all you need to know."  
  
"Well, that," interrupted Trisha, "and that you better keep running, or you'll get flattened by the Mary-Sues that are charging after us right through your amazing smokescreen."  
  
Oni looked over his shoulder. "Oh... good... gawd."  
  
  
** ~To the Assassin Who's Going Into Denial~**  
  
  
Naurglahad put a hand up against the white window, her hot breath steaming the glass pane. She could not believe her eyes. This was an extreme defiance of the laws of FFNH. But even beyond that, she saw the defiance of what her matrimonial promise was. She didn't know if she wanted to smash through the window and settle things violently, or if she just wanted to slide to her knees and cry. Cry not just because she was getting hurt inside, but also because someone else was getting hurt, and _another_ someone else was _going_ to get hurt.  
  
"Aw, who gives a damn? I'm a hell-raiser, after all!"  
  
BAM! Naurglahad slammed through the window, rolling out into the blank white space that the window protected. Now, being back in the arena, she could see everything clearly. It was chaotic. Yes, she had found the captive Author's, but she had also found that they were in... some very interesting situations/ accommodations. The first thing she had to do was get the twelve little children to stop acting like maniacs. But how to do that? Simple. Kill the spider, extinguish the flames, send the angry mob away, unplug the blender, and slaughter the laughing monkey.  
  
Her guns came out. First target: the spider. Choice of weapon: the shotgun.  
  
_Click. Click. Boom! Click. Click. Boom! Click. Click. Boom!_ In a flash of bright red smoke, and an explosion, the spider vanished. "Damn," thought the assassin, "I wanted bloody guts and a harder challenge. Blasted cheapie monsters. They don't make 'em like they used to!" In the sudden explosion the mob suddenly screamed and ran away, smashing into walls and getting hit by randomly falling flames.  
  
Next target: the laughing monkey. Why? It annoyed her. It scared her. Choice of weapon: shotgun. Why? One blast should take its brain out. _Click. Click. Boom! _  
  
"There are ape guts on my boots," she muttered, "my good, black leather boots! Screw primates."  
  
In her anger, she whipped out her revolver, gave it a whirl, and shot high into the sky. It set off the water sprinklers. Why they hadn't set off earlier, she couldn't figure. But she didn't give a damn. There was one last obstacle she had to destroy, as she showed no emotion as the rabid blender set off into a cloud of sparks and eventually died.  
  
Stepping over an Author's near unconscious body, she became the dark, bloody, and ashen assassin that many of her victims remembered at the last moments of their lives. Tossing her guns aside, she ignored several calls from the other Authors, and headed to the far corner of the room. She didn't need her guns. She didn't want her guns. This was going to be one of those special murders during which she would kill with her bare hands. In a flash, she grabbed the neck of the blonde elf that was trying to get the attention of a very disturbed and distressed Author.  
  
"You filthy," she whispered coldly, "filthy, double-crossing cheater of a spouse." Her grip tightened on her victim's neck. He coughed and choked. "You do know that the punk that you're chasing after is the one who put us together." Again, her grip tightened. "Are you blind? Are you really the idiot that I thought you were?" The elf collided with the ground as Naurglahad slammed him down, pinning his chest to the earth. "Your son and daughter have been forsaken. Not only by you," many were starting to stare at the scene very attentively at this point, "but by me." The gun came to his head. "Because their mother is going to murder their father tonight." Click. "Good bye, Legolas."  
  
  


* * *

*I thought that carrot goes up, not down, but that's the closest symbol I could get on this program; I could have sword there was an ^ somewhere... over the rainbow...  
  
(singy-songy) Leggy's gonna' die! Leggy's gonna' die! Whee!  



	25. Confronted by Gods

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used with permission.  
  


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**  
Author's Note:**  
This... is the introduction to the climax, and a very powerful climax at that. If you need me to send an e-mail explaning a few things in this chapter, just let me know. I'll finish the rest of my boring speech later.  
~_Naheka_  
  


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Through a tangle of limbs and panting, the fleeing team lay sprawled on the seashell pink marble floor, shielding their eyes from the white and red strains of light bouncing off the walls and ceiling. It was like fierce lightning each time the light beat into an even stronger force than it was before. Even Oni, who had seen powers and technology that surpassed even what Trisha came from, was in awe. Yes, he had encountered individual devices capable of mass destruction, but never anything as great as what he witnessed at this very moment.   
  
They had been running from the advancing Sues a few seconds ago, until they slammed into two insane women, Narcissus and Ari, around a corner. In the collision, Ember and Wisdom flew out of grasp, but smacked right into each other as they fell. Frankly, it was enough of a force to knock them both back_ into_ consciousness. Unfortunately for them, the first thing they saw was a pair of iridescent purple slippers.   
  
For sure, they all would have been Sue-afied if a certain Ringwraith hadn't jumped out of nowhere and somehow hooked his sword up to pull together such a strength to fend off the Mary-Sues. Now, he was advancing on them, pointing the tip of his blade towards the nearest Mary-Sue. And then, _poof!_  
  
The Mary-Sues disappeared into nothingness.  
  
"How did you do that?" gasped Ari as the lightning faded and Joe let his armed hand down. Joe turned and looked back at the group, but spoke no words.  
  
"I believe," said Morikallo softly, "that there really must be something more under that hood of yours."  
  
"Something much, much, more," muttered Oni.  
  
** ~Naheka~**  
  
"Good-bye, Legolas."  
  
Bzzt. Bzzt. The horrified look on the elf's face suddenly became static, flicking in and out of sight. Poof! Then he disappeared. A silence...  
  
Naurglahad took a deep sigh, looking down at her hands, which she had hoped would be covered with blood. Instead, it was dusty in the ashes of the gun fire, and trembling because she didn't pull the trigger that one last time. She slid down to her knees, bending towards the ground as if she wanted to keel over and die. _Forsaken_, cried the pale expression on her face, _Forsaken!_   
  
Smoke rose from the ground and rain from the sky, gray and blackened with gunpowder. Looking up to face the rain, she opened her mouth, letting her tongue catch every drop she could manage. But then she spit it out, realizing that it was actually water from the sprinklers above, which meant that it was water from the Mary-Sue storage system. 'Twas water from the enemy. She spat it out.  
  
I was still laying there, half dead and horrified from being proposed by one of my own worst enemies. "Naheka," said the OC, not moving from her angst-fed position, down on her knees, facing the sky, with trembling hands laying palms-up on the ground.   
  
I croaked, "What?"  
  
She did not answer immediately. "How big of a scene am I making?"  
  
"...Very big."  
  
"Very?"  
  
"Yes, very big. The kiddies in the corner of the theater are crying, now."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"Good."   
  
"I... need... therapy," groaned someone a few feet away from me.  
  
"We all do," replied another voice.  
  
Of course, I could not blame my fellow Authors for being so exhausted after going through... going through... well, going through all of that traumatic drama stuff and horror and torture and evil... evil... Mary-Sues. "What happened, anyway?"  
  
"Something that no Author should ever have to go through."  
  
I managed to turn my head to look to the side. The rain had stopped and the other OCs were there, looking just as exhausted as we felt. I envied them for their ability to at least stand up. Joe stood above us, silently standing in the stillness, examining the destroyed and burning terrain.  
  
Which I had soon noticed was not burning or wet or scratched at all!  
  
"all right!" I shouted angrily, getting myself dizzy from all the effort. "What the hell is going on here?"  
  
"We're going insane!" cried Jiana from the far corner.  
  
"We ARE insane!" answered Amarth.  
  
"You probably have gone insane, because all twelve of you Authors," said Joe, "have been Fictionally Abused."  
  
"Fictitiously what?"  
  
"Fictionally Abused," repeated Joe. "And in this case of abuse, you have been used in a Fiction Dome!"  
  
"This is a Fiction Dome?" I asked.   
  
"I thought it was a torture chamber," muttered Phantom.  
  
"It was a Fiction Dome used as a torture chamber for Authors," continued Joe, "which is of course an extreme violation of FFNH's rules." The creak of his metal shoes indicated that he had started walking as he explained. "For the Fiction Dome is strictly only built for an OC's Existence Pattern."  
  
"It's science class all over again," groaned Newmoon.  
  
"That means that only OC's can be used in a Fiction Dome. Authors shouldn't be put in Fiction Domes. Why? Because an Author, unlike an Original Creation, has an actual human DNA! When a Reality is confronted by a Fantasy, the Reality begins to lose itself and become more like the Fantasy, which is incapable of surviving in the Reality World. So when Authors, a subject of Reality, is confronted by the powers of the Fiction Dome, a subject of Fantasy, the Authors may encounter severe mental and physical changes!"  
  
By the time he finished, the Authors were half asleep, Ari _was_ asleep (resting on Kallo's shoulder), Trisha had her eyes crossed, Oni was writing in his Blog again (Narcissus reading over his shoulder), Ember and Wisdom were playing Jacks, Head Muse was knitting, #2 and #4 were playing Poker, and #3 was knitting. As for Naurglahad, Jack and Ted were trying to detach her from Blue (she wouldn't let go of his ankles, screaming "I HAVE BEEN FORSAKEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNN!")  
  
Joe just stood there, staring at the lack of educational thirst. He was about to make the room go dark and reprimand us for our ignorance, until hell and its minions came leaping through the broken window and through the door. Not surprisingly, they had just a bit of a make-up touch before they decided to invade gallantly (there was a Sue in the back of the crowd, still attending to her dark blue mascara).   
  
"We've come for the prisoners!" exclaimed several Mary-Sues. "And also to destroy the Nazgul!"  
  
"And we shall capture thou defiant Authors, for thy is going to be punished!" cried another.  
  
Joe turned around and replied dully, "Shouldn't it be more like 'Thou shalt be punished for thy unholy deeds, O foul Authors of blah blah blah' or something like that?"  
  
"I know how to use my English!" she bickered. "Since I'm half elfish half hobbit and half fairy, I know all the languages of the world!"  
  
"Well, for your information, there is no English, nor 'elfish', _nor_ fairy people in the world; there is Westron, and there are the elven folk. Fairies. _Don't_. Exist. And to add to that--" he shouted something harshly in the Black Tongue.  
  
The Sue paused for a moment. "You said something bad, right?"  
  
"No," he said in a sarcastic tone, "I was pointing out the fact that you missed a spot of blush on your nose."  
  
"Really?" she squealed, grabbing a brush from her pocket. Another Sue grabbed her wrist and told her to put the brush away.  
  
"That's enough!" exclaimed a blonde Sue that stood in the front. "I am Estelia, true lover of Estel!"  
  
"And one hell of a slutty and preppy cheerleader!" roared Naurglahad, still clinging onto Blue's ankle.   
  
"But I," continued Estelia, ignoring the former Sue-Angawende, "I am tired of your smart-ass remarks, Nazgul!" She unsheathed a silver-blue sword with flowers etched on the blade. "I will kill you, first!"  
  
Joe just stared at her for a few moments. Then, a new sound came softly at first from him, but rose to a volume loud enough for all to hear. It was laughter! A mocking laughter! "Do you seriously believe that you and your fictitious sword can harm me in any way?"  
  
"Of course!" retorted Estelia. "I'm me! I'm Estel's lover! Estel is the King of Condor and---"  
  
"Silence!"  
  
I had finally gained the strength to back as far away from Joe as possible. My fellow Authors had the wisdom to do the same. The OCs were also backing up, but oddly, they weren't panicking as I had felt. Instead, they all backed up with their heads lowered, as if bowing to something. Finally, I had the curiosity to look up myself.  
  
And even today, it is very hard for me to understand how any of this had ever happened. Joe had unsheathed his sword, and tossed it into the air... where it floated, still in time without movement or breath. Many of the Mary-Sues gasped at the sight. Then, a white light shone. And out of that white light, there came the most beautiful sounds, the most beautiful voices I had ever heard, far more beautiful than any song that Mary-Sue could conjure.  
  
The song, the sound, was of many voices. The melody was strong, loud, clear, soft, and so wonderful, yet so low and sad, all at the same time.   
  
"This couldn't be..." whispered someone from behind me. "...it... they are... the Song of the Maiar... the Ainur..."  
  
Then, to my disappointment, the song soon faded. But it was soon overtaken by several different tunes, not all of them necessarily merry or sad. It was a college of songs fading in and out.  
  
"_Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!..._" ... "_We must away, ere break of day, To find our long-forgotten gold_." ... "_The sighing of the Sea beyond, Beyond the western world, on sand, On sand of pearls in Elvenland..._" ... There were chants, "_Ash nazg durbatluk, ash nazg gimbatul..._" riddles, "_It comes first and follows after, Ends life, kills laughter..._" and taunting phrases, too. "_Fifteen birds in five firtrees... Oh what shall we do with the funny little things?_"  
  
"Author," whispered Onikunshu from behind me. "Lower your head.... The Spirits of the Canon approach."  
  


* * *

  
Tonight... is a night of great honor and support. A night when all fans of _The Lord of the Rings_ films unite, whether they bash certain characters, or whether they live off the characters' existence. Tonight, we sit together at the same table and watch and support as our favorite movie goes up in the **Oscar Awards**. We will not care for our differences tonight. We will not care for how many grudges we have formed in the past year. Nor shall we care for how many fangirls each male member of the Fellowship counts for.  
For tonight, we sit together at the same table and watch and support as our favorite movie goes up in the **Oscar Awards**. Also tonight... I will step down from my position as the Legolas Assassinator, and support Movie-Legolas if it means that _LOTR_ will win the **Oscar**. But soon after, my spears and flags are going up again in glorious Sue-Leggy bashing.  
However, tonight may also be a night of defeat and sorrow. Despite the obstacle of other movies conquering over _LOTR_, there is also the massive blindness that may occur in the very near future. With the promotion of the movie, in all of its glorified magnificence, there may also be a decline in the intentional desire of several fans to read the book. Yet the night also bears chance. If curiosity gets the best of humanity, then it may also boost the popularity of the book. We can never know.  
But still, tonight we thank Tolkien, the one who wrote it all. He who wrote the book, was he who inspired the movie. And he who inspired the movie is he who made any _LOTR_ **Oscar** nomination possible. And in conclusion...  
Thank you, Tolkien.  
_  
~Naheka 8:25 pm; March 23, 2003_  



	26. A Concept Called 'Ignorance'

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used with permission.  
  


* * *

**Author's Note:**  
An extreme apology for the incredibly late chapter. Apparently, there was something wrong as I sent out the survey. And on top of that, I had to do a little more research in order to make this chapter work. But I personally believe that I didn't write it very well. Things don't come out too well when I know that I have to rush. You can tell because not even this note is very smooth-going at all. It's a bunch of choppy sentences written in a rush. I was busy with other pieces this week.   
Also, this was the most difficult chapter to write because... I didn't know how I was going to make this work. It's also a very short chapter. I don't know when the next one is going to be up, but at the moment, I am really, really, stressed out because it's getting a bit more difficult for me to write this the way that I like it, and that I'm also up on deadlines. I assume that people want to read this as quickly as possible. I'm trying my very best.   
If you have any suggestions, I don't give a damn if it's almost a flame. Let me have it. I need it. I need help.   
  


* * *

The File Cabinet  
  
The Mary-Sues had their weapons drawn out as they prepared to fend off the new, strange, and probably very powerful intruders. Out of the light, there came a people with ghostly-white skin, almost transparent, with white mist floating about them, glittering stars following some of them. There was no color in them. Their eyes were blank white, as was their hair and garments. There were many of these spirits, and they all exited the light, one by one, or two by two. I couldn't recognize any of them, really, if they were dead ones, slain by the hands of Mary-Sue, or just... spirits.  
  
"They are white because they are pure," explained Joe softly from in front of us. It was odd to see him as a black mass among the great cloud of ethereal comers. "But some of them are gray," he pointed to two tall spirits whose appearance was slightly darker than their fellows, "for though they are Canon, they have also been struck by the Sue." From then, looking at those two characters and a few that had followed, was a sorrowful sight, to see such pure and beautiful creatures tainted with... evil.  
  
"_Now we had better have it again,_" said a tall spirit. His voice was like an echo, sort of.  
  
"It's Lindir!" whispered Vana excitedly, pointing to the spirit. "But have what again?"  
  
And then, what seemed to be a smaller creature came out of the light. This one was also slightly gray, but it seemed to be pure all the same. It crawled on all fours about the Fiction Dome for a moment, making a few of the Mary-Sues squeak pettily and wimpily in all of their girliness. It looked up at one of the Sues, who bit her lip in fear, showing her pearly white teeth. The Spirit bobbed its head and croaked, "_Teeth! teeth! my preciousss; but we only has six_!"   
  
"It's Gollum!" said Amarth. Phantom looked like she wanted to say something (and something very loudly, at that) but near paralyzed in awe, she kept her eyes wide open, letting her expression say her words of joy. Amarth finally passed out.  
  
More Spirits came out. One of them stopped and looked out into the crowd of Mary-Sues, ignoring us, and stared at them with his blank white eyes, as if counting them. "_Nine were to set out: so said the messages. But maybe there has been some change of counsel that we have not heard._"  
  
Celeborn. His Lady Galadriel, whose features, like the rest of the spirits, were very difficult to make out with the light, answered to his word, "_Nay, there was no change of counsel..._"  
  
"There's nothing wrong with another member to the Fellowship!" protested a Mary-Sue. Blonde hair and purple eyes; typical. Suddenly, every Spirit that had come into existence made a sharp turn to look at her. She cowered at their emotionless faces. Their faces reminded me a lot of when the Nazgul in their spirit forms had stabbed Frodo at Weathertop in the movie. But their eyes, one of the most haunting, yet beautiful attributes about them, were like those that of the holy statues positioned outside great cathedrals; that piercing stare that sends chills up your spine, especially if you're looking up at the statues in cold weather.  
  
No Spirit spoke, but there was a whisper in the air. "She lies!" it screamed silently. "She lies! Impostor! Impostor!"  
  
Scary? Yes. Very.  
  
Then, the Spirits starting walking again. I began to notice that they started to form a line along the walls of the Fiction Dome. This was indeed very curious; what could they be doing?  
  
_Voosh!_ Swiftly and rapidly, a horse and rider with burden came leaping out of the light, next. And to the Mary-Sue's utter appall and shock, it was actually NOT Arwen. "_Noro lim, noro lim, Asfaloth!_" Yes, one of the most famous Canon characters of all: Glorfindel. The real owner of Asfaloth. Not Arwen. Out of nowhere, there was the rushing sound of a river. Most of the Authors ducked as we thought water would be coming at us. Yet it was really nothing more than an effective sound.   
  
But more big stuff came. Something huge had dropped from the sky. It was long and leathery looking. I saw Joe shake his head and look down. At that moment, I realized that it was actually the severed head of a winged beast. I, too, frowned, looking upon the dead hell hawk. They were very awesome in the movie.   
  
And then I remembered that this wasn't the movie. This was Canon.  
  
"_Eowyn! Eowyn!_" More thunderous crashing. Oh, now this was obvious. A favorite event in _The Return of the King_, myself. A short Spirit, around the small height of about four feet, stabbed a sword into the back of a towering, menacing figure. It toppled and fell to the earth. A woman, hair blazing white (it probably would have been golden if there was color) took up a sword and plunged it into one end the figure, probably the face. Eowyn and Merry had slew the Witchking of Angmar as was described in 'The Battle of the Pelennor Fields'.  
  
Well, I had to admit, though I supported Mordor through the movies, the books had given me the impression that the dark allegiances was actually like a sadistic asylum of... sad and pitiful spare components to whatever existence was made out of. But for mere spare parts, they sure packed a mighty bitter vengeance....  
  
The line, I noticed, had begun to form a circle around the Mary-Sue crowd. I was hoping that as soon as they surrounded them, they would unsheathe a sword and stab them all to a bloody death. But having a feeling that not all of them wielded weapons (maybe lovely Finduilas in the far corner beside Denethor), I gave that idea up. Then I heard someone singing a song of Nimrodel and Rauros. I wished that I could laugh out loud. The Mary-Sues were in the presence of Legolas Greenleaf (hiding somewhere in that white cloud), and they didn't even know it! Suddenly, I felt blissful... happy... drowsy... but happy.  
  
Silence fell over the Spirits as they stopped moving. Yes, they had formed some kind of chain around the Mary-Sues. But they didn't really do anything. Nothing at all.  
  
"Who are you?" cried a Sue. "Speak! In the name of the Starleaf Kingdom, last of Middle-earth's fairies!"  
  
They said nothing.  
  
"Hello? Hey! Hey!" Some of the Sues started jumping up and down, trying to get their attention. "HEYYYYY!!!!!"  
  
Nothing.  
  
"You... you..." The Mary-Sues couldn't say anything. Nothing at all.  
  
They had been stood up. One of the impossible deeds that a Mary-Sue cannot perform. They didn't have a comeback.   
  
So, poof! Five of them had disappeared in a tiny, pink, purple, yellow, and blue cloud of smoke. They were gone. A dozen other Sues screamed in terror. The Canon Spirits did nothing. In sudden lack of attention, they also exploded into nothingness. And as one fallen piece knocks over an entire line of dominoes, each Mary-Sue disappeared with a _poof_! They couldn't stand the absence of attention.   
  
And all this time, we were the ones that had been giving them attention. We dared to read and dared to give them attention. A new idea came into my head, and judging by the surprised expressions on every Author's face, they had gotten one, too.  
  
Maybe if no one had ever touched the Mary-Sue, it never would have come into existence in the first place. And maybe if no one paid attention to the Mary-Sue when it was brought to life, it would have died.  
  
And no one would know it.  



	27. Blissful Insanity

** Disclaimer:** I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J. R. R. Tolkien. All Author's and OCs used with permission.  
  


* * *

  
(Naheka is laying half-dead on a chair. Joe walks by and nudges the chair)  
Joe: Okay, Naheka. Enough dying.  
Naheka: (whines and puts her head down on the table)  
Joe: ...(finally kicks the chair over)  
Naheka: EEP! (falls over and lands in a huddle on the floor)   
Joe: Come on. Get up and start writing.  
Naheka: (monotonously) Can't you see that I'm trying to die here?  
Joe: (in the same tone) Haven't you read our feedback?  
Naheka: (sticks her tongue out and tries to crawl under the desk)  
Joe: We've got quite a latter of praise! (tries to drag Naheka out from under the table) See? (plops her in front of the monitor) See?!  
Naheka: (dully reads the reviews) ...hm... Really? (keeps reading) ...wow... really?  
Joe: Yup.  
Naheka: ...( awestruck) ...Wow... wow... WOW...  
Joe: (pushes the keyboard in front of her) Any ideas?  
Naheka: (slowly accepting the keyboard) ...Maybe.  
  
_**Thanks everyone; couldn't have gotten anywhere without you. **_  
  


* * *

  
**The File Cabinet**  
  
_ ...That with every life there is a death,   
And with every death there is a life,   
One for one, other for other,   
A doom bound to us,  
And forever the end_.  
  
So, I couldn't really help but think, "I wonder if you can do the same thing with ketchup stains?" "Sure!" replied the other voice in my head. "Just ignore it long enough, and I'm sure it'll go away!"  
  
I knew that I had gone into some sort of trance after that, until a new voice, not misty like the Canon, or sharp like Joe's, but very clear, came into presence. It was a human clear, yet nearly god-like all the same. It chuckled for a moment before announcing, "So this is a fall of the so called 'Mary-Sue'. Alas, if it were only real." Only real? W. T. F? This climactic catastrophe of a battle/torture-period/revelation couldn't be one single nightmare, could it? Come to think of if, it all did seem like one giant nightmare. "When such controversies occur in such a complex and disorderly manner, one can only hope that it is not real. And then again, none of it is real!"  
  
I swear, I could have fallen down on my knees and screamed.  
  
"But that doesn't mean that none of this is false, either." The voice chuckled, again.  
  
Whoever this dude was, whether he'd be God-self, or some happy, sick, and twisted reincarnation of Mr. Rogers and Dumbledore from _Harry Potter_ combined, I had absolutely no idea where this person was going.  
  
"It's all a state of mind, really. There are a lot of people looking into this window and finding themselves amused at what you are doing. Yet perhaps at the same time, someone else reads about those onlookers, also. For each day can be a new adventure; you never know."  
  
Listening to this eidolon speak, I finally gave up on checking what time it was. Instead, I tried to convince myself that I had probably been driven completely insane beyond all hope of recovery after being tortured through the use of a Fiction Dome. Now, my mind was in a better place, somewhere in a happy land where no one had absolutely no idea what they were doing, and fell off cliffs into nothingness for pleasure. My mind had just taken a dive off into an abyss of blissful ignorance, so I decided that maybe I should just pay attention to this man and do everything he says. Maybe the world will be happy that way. And I would be happy, too.  
  
"So tell me, young Authors..." continued the voice as if the speaker had started pacing back and forth. "What have you learned from all of this?"  
  
Coffeegirl was the first to speak. "I learned that the fluffy pink bunnies from under the sink like to eat candy wrappers." She giggled happily and clapped her hands.  
  
"And I learned," said Sammy, "that mushrooms and purple psketti sauce come from the planet Leech. Did you know that, Mister Whoeveryouare?"  
  
Newmoon bobbed her head and said, "Fissssssssssshhhhhh!"  
  
"Yes!" exclaimed Amarth. "Fish were there, too! They can tap-dance."  
  
Phantom suddenly sprang up and did a strange little jig. "And they can-can, too!"  
  
"Ketchup!" I squeaked. "Ketchup!"  
  
"Peanut butter!" said Hoshiko. "Peanut butter and... and..."  
  
"Fish!"  
  
"I think socks are plotting on how to attack the tennis ball factories," stated Europa. "I can tell. My sock drawer quivers every morning when I water it."  
  
"The tennis balls are laughing!" cried Penelope. "And they're laughing! And... yes! They're laughing!"  
  
"_Herbal Essences_ goes good in waffles," said Kitty quietly. "Especially the anti-dandruff ones."  
  
"I like the... the..." Jiana pondered on her sentence for a while. "Pizza!"  
  
Vana crossed her eyes happily. "I learned about something. I'm not telling you."  
  
Finally, Joe spoke. "Clearly, they've all gone insane. They cannot recover here."  
  
"Ah, yes... Joe the Nazgul," said the voice. "Little, little Joe. There's only so much you can do. But I suppose we can credit you for summoning the Canon with that sword of yours, eh? Tell me, in the long time since I've given it to you, how has it suited you?"  
  
"Fine, sir."  
  
"Not to be confused with another's sword, yet not to be called something unique. And to think that I do not claim you to be a double-identity."  
  
"I try not to live a double identity, though I truly have not a life to live at all."  
  
"Wise, but dark, indeed. You are something else, Joe."  
  
"I don't know what I am, really."  
  
"Well, the children won't find out about it too soon, will they?"  
  
"I wouldn't think so."  
  
"That is good."  
  
I had stood up and tried to look for the lost bottle of ketchup and the fluffy pink bunnies when the voice finally said, "Okay, say 'bye-bye' to the glowy Canon Spirits."  
  
I ignored the voice. I wanted my ketchup bottle. Phantom, Amarth, and Newmoon were looking for fish. Kitty, Penelope, Europa, and Jiana were debating about pizza and shampoo. Vana was laughing to herself maniacally as Hoshiko and Sammy were trying to get the secret out of her. Coffeegirl was determined to find the bunnies before I found my ketchup bottle.   
  
"Goodbye. And remember to at least try to explain what has happened."  
  
"I will, sire."  
  
"...Namaarie..."  
  
  
**~*~  
**   
  
"Naheka.... Naheka.... Naheka!"  
  
Naurglahad slammed a fist on my desk. Startled, I looked up from my stack of regular morning bulletins to face three extremely angry OC women, all around the age of twenty-five, with black hair and uniquely colored eyes. They were all snarling at me. The first on the left ws Daedalona, an elf from an original story. Naurglahad was about to be the first to ring my neck in the middle. And on the right was a demon named Ango, a character from an Anime crossover I wrote.  
  
The assassin pointed to both of them. "These two are impostors! They both claim to be the Goddess of Death." She leaned in very close to my face, her dragon breath trying to make me sweat. "But I'M the one and ONLY Goddess of Death."  
  
"Liar!" spat Ango. "Stupid dragon. I'm a full Youkai! I make a better idol of death than either of you!"  
  
"You're just jealous!" hissed Daeda, the wooden, horned skulls on her staff rattling with anger. "My NAME means 'Goddess of Death'."  
  
"You call yourself a good liar?" said Naurglahad. "Ha! I, an assassin, should be called Death! For I bring and cause Death! I am known for Death! And Death lies. You could not be Death."  
  
Daeda shouted something crass in her own elf-tongue. Ango replied the same in some sort of gibberish. Naurglahad joined the argument immediately with a few choice words in Sachain*. The mass blur of shouting and screaming between the three of them made my head spin. And to think that I was the one who made up all of the languages. But in the end, I knew that the only point they were trying to make out of all of that talk was: "I rule, you suck, so f*ck off."  
  
I was bravely stupid at that moment. I scooted off my chair and took a medium-sized hand mirror from a sliding drawer beneath my desk. Stepping into the crowd of cussing non-human females, I put the mirror up. I had long, dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. My grown out bangs were tucked behind my ears. Then, I tilted the mirror up to face the three. They each had long, dark hair and dark eyes. Their bangs had also grown out, partially tucked behind their ears. "Y'know... I really think you guys need a new design."   
  
I walked around my desk and picked up a white phone off the hooker, plugged into the wall. "I'll order some paper and mediums to re-draw you people. You look too much like me."  
  
Obviously, this wasn't the answer that the semi-clones wanted. They remained silent for a while. But what I didn't know was that during the silence, they were taking in a deep breath. "DADDYYYYYY!!!"  
  
A couple drawers in the file cabinet slid open as two men with long black hair poked their heads out. "What do you want now?" they both asked dully. One was Onikunshu. The other was Ango's father, Hakai.  
  
"Woah."   
  
Onikunshu and Hakai glanced at each other uncomfortably. They also looked almost exactly alike. "TELL THEM THAT I'M THE BEST MURDERER!" screamed Naurglahad and Ango. Daeda was kinda' going into denial because her parents had unfortunately been slain in some random battle some odd hund'erd years or so ago.  
  
Shaking their heads, both fathers retreated back into the file cabinet. Furiously, each nominee for "Goddess of Death" stomped out the door, and slammed it shut. I sprinted forth and slammed myself against my Onimusha Warlords poster, which I was wondering if I should replace with a Rurouni Kenshin banner. And then the door came smacking into my face again. I toppled over and fell on my back. "By the way," shouted Naurglahad, "you have a visitor!"  
  
Then, she slammed the door shut again. I looked up. Oh, now this was a surprise visitor.  
  
It was my Mary-Sue Author clone from the underground in the East.  
  


* * *

* **Sachain** [_sah-hai-an_; with that sorta' hiss sound that you make if you spoke Gaelic with the accent] is short for Sachaudatha, which is what Naurglahad's family calls their native tongue. For more pointless and complicated info, go to my bio and click on the URL with "dragoneyeryu" at the end.  
  
Ai! I forgot to put the footnote at the end when I first published this chapter! Noooooo.... (takes a deep breath) Nooooooooo..... (takes another breath) Nooo--(gets smacked in the head by Joe's baking pan) Gawd! That was the fifteenth time this week! Stoppit! (Joe shakes his head as if he were grinning)  
  
  



	28. Deal

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _The Lord of the Rings_. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used with permission.  
  


* * *

  
**Author's Note:**  
So sorry for the week long delay! I got a block period... and... yeah. But I've finally gotten out of it and forced it out into a chapter of a suitable length. All Authors will reappear in the next chapter. I think there are only two more chapters left after this one. Wow! Thirty chapters! That's a record for me! ^_^  
Have a blessed and happy Easter!  
_~Naheka_  
  


* * *

**The File Cabinet**  
  
  
"It's been a week since I last saw you. You and the others had been smashed by the rolling boulder--"  
  
"No. Our Mary-Sues came and saved us, valiantly indeed."  
  
"At least she didn't try to go dramatic and lay her life down without a good reason."  
  
"She was going to, but I told her that she needed to support Legolas."  
  
I sighed angrily and nabbed Joe's laptop off of his desk. Punching in a couple characters, I showed her the first page of the LOTR fanfiction. "Here," I pointed once, "here," twice, "here," thrice, "here," four times, "here," five, "here," six, seven, eight, nine, and all the way to twenty-seven I pointed, "and here... are all the spots that a woman has the exact same sort of relationship with Lego-sama."  
  
The Author pawed her toes timidly on the carpet as she hung her head. "Don't tell me you knew that already."   
  
In reply, she slowly looked up and stared anxiously at me. "You're one of those scary Flamer people, aren't you?  
  
Oh, how I had prepared for this very day. My fists clenched on my lap as my back straightened and stiffened, poised and ready for attack. "I apologize, miss, but I believe that you have your terms mixed up. I do not Flame, I give critique. Although my expectations are set for a mature and serious disposition for all serious pieces of fanfiction, apparently there are many writers who do not meet it. I have often wondered to myself why people have been so stupid as to share anything when they truly are not mentally ready for the consequences that they must render."  
  
"...You've been practicing this little speech thing, haven't you?"  
  
"For the last six months in my head. I haven't slept decently since."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Anyway..." I rose from my chair and paced slowly to the other side of the room. Luckily for me, I have had actual experiences with reprimanding people personally, so I kept with my usual threatening stance: hands loosely behind your back, wide paces, and step with your heel and roll to your toe, careful to keep them under a specific height. Head down, but eyes up, alert, and concentrated. Never lose the energy that runs through your body, for one slip may send for a tsunami.  
  
"What are you here for, anyway?" I asked, stopping at the corner of my desk.  
  
"I came to apologize."  
  
The enemy was feeling shame. Bwahahahaha. "Yes. Perhaps you do owe one."  
  
She rose from her seat and took a deep breath. Oh no. She was going to cry and give me a soppy, sober drama speech.  
  
_ Ring! Ring!_   
  
...Thank the Lord.  
  
_ Ring! Ring!_  
  
I snatched the white office telephone off its hook on the wall. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey, Naheka!" said another voice on the other side. "You gotta' come see this!"  
  
"Al? Is that you?"  
  
"Yeah, who else would it be?"  
  
"...Joe said that you were taken captive by Mary-Sues and that you wanted to remain in the hospital for a few more weeks. He said you claimed that you were 'dying and needed special attention'." Silence was the only reply. "...Heh. Drama-Wraith."  
  
"HEY!" screeched Al. I had to hold the phone a few inches away from my ear to bear the noise level. "WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? I OUGHTA' GET DOWN THERE AND FLING A WATER BALLOON AT YOU OR SOMETHING! WHY I--"  
  
As the prank-happy Nazgul continued ranting about how he was going to make the rest of my life miserable for mocking him, I put my hand over the reception and looked over to the Sue-Author, who seemed disappointed to have her act canceled. "Hold that thought," I told her. Then, I went back to the rabid Rider. "Shut up, Ulaer! What were you saying earlier?"  
  
Al stopped screaming abruptly. "Huh? Oh! Your fic brought Reviews in by the landslide! Everyone believes that you just made up a good story!"  
  
I felt my face go white. "But it wasn't made-up."  
  
"People think it is."  
  
"I GOT CHASED BY A DAMN BOULDER AND TORTURED BY MARY-SUES FOR GAWDSAKES!"  
  
"You were tortured by the Mary-Sues?" asked the Author behind me. I nodded. "How? They aren't supposed to hurt innocent people!"  
  
I was about to say something crass concerning Sues, but instead, I shook my head. "No one is innocent."  
  
Al chuckled on the other side. "Well, if you want to pay a visit to the first row, you'll note that your story has made up quite the total. Have a good day! Ah! And don't look up because I'll be tossing chicken feathers and glue on your head, later."  
  
"Thanks, Al," I said, remembering that I had a stone brick under my desk that could be put to good use. "I'll... remember that."  
  
As I hung the phone up onto the wall (and peered under my chair for that brick) the Author asked me, "Who was that?"  
  
"Ah," I snorted, ducking below and rummaging beneath. "That was Al. He's a Ringwraith that lives for pranking people. He claims that his birthday is April first," I stuck my tongue out in disgust as I found a bag of rotten Lembas Chips in the corner. I tossed it towards the tin garbage can. It bounced off the edge and rolled under Joe's desk. "But the Ringwraiths are probably over a thousand years old, I think, so no one's really sure when they were born as men of Numenor." Oh, gosh. I found a _PokeMon_ manga hiding in the very back of one of my drawers. Dusting the cover off, I continued, "Kinda' sad, really. But I think it's really sad how Sauron totally corrupted them and caused the Numenoreans to do battle with the Valar. Their whole city shrunk into the sea. But I suppose it's not as pathetic as getting yourself drowned by a Fastitocalon. The very idea of those things scare me. All the Corsairs... Hm. Well, I'm just ranting. What's your opinion?"  
  
As I brought myself up to meet the desk top, I saw that the Author looked quite confused. "What did you say?"  
  
I was about to apologize for probably pronouncing a term wrong, but the known fact that she probably hadn't read got to me. "A bunch of stuff that I've read in books and off the Net. I have a dictionary, and bestiary, an atlas, a--"  
  
"You've read all those books?" gasped the Author.  
  
I waved my hand and shook my head. "No, no. Sadly, I haven't been able to get access to many of the actual books explaining Ea's history. And besides, even if I could, I'd never be able to understand it all. I had just the hardest time understanding some of the phrases in _The Silmarillion_. I think I'm a bit too-"  
  
"The Sillywhu?"  
  
Silly? Argh. Must seek and destroy--no. "_The Silmarillion_. I guess you could compare it to the Bible, but it explains the history of the elves more than anything else."  
  
She looked intrigued. "May I see it? Do you have a copy handy?"  
  
"Sure." I got up and walked over to Joe's desk, kicking the Lembas Chips farther under his desk; he'd find it later. A neat set of books sat on the right, held up by book-ends shaped liked _palantiris_. I took the first volume out. It was a paperback testament with a copper-golden front and 'THE SILMARILLION BY J.R.R. TOLKIEN' in silver script. A graphic of an exploding building was the main feature. I handed it to the Author. "Here ye' go."  
  
She took it in her hands, and thumbed through half the book before handing it back to me and saying, "It's too long. It looks boring. I don't want to read it."  
  
My back became stiff again as my right eye narrowed, taking the book back into the folds of my arms. "It only seems that way to those who haven't the disposition to appreciate good literature."  
  
She raised an eyebrow. "You're like Snape from Harry Potter. I wrote an LOTR crossover with that. Legolas fell in love with a half fairy, half elf witch at Hogwarts. It's one of my favorites!... What's wrong? Why are you twitching like that?"  
  
"Said the girl who needed to get a firmer grip on reality," I muttered, but in a tone that would be fit to tell 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears' to small children at a library. "But she decided to ignore other people's advice and continued to write fanfiction that needs help." I fell back into my chair and grinned devilishly at her. "And then, all hell broke loose!"  
  
"I think you're the one who needs help," said the Author uncomfortably.  
  
I sighed. "Ai... Well, I'll make a deal for you." I stood from my seat and looked down at her. "I will personally help you form better plots and 'Beta-Read' your work if you agree to listen to me." She looked unconvinced. "It will pay for redemption of your sins, and it is also a favor that I ask of you since you are apologizing to me." I put a hand up. "Deal?"  
  
The Author paused for a moment, brooding on the acceptation or denial of this offer. I stiffened again. Then, she looked up and smiled. "Fine then." She took my hand and shook it. "Deal."  
  
"Great!" I clapped my hands together and smiled. "Now, just where to start. Where to begin, where to begin, where to begin.... Oh!" I grinned sheepishly. "What's your penname?"  
  
"My penname is Sindaavarwen Lunastar. My OC shares the same name, too."  
  
"...Right there."  
  


* * *

  



	29. Last Council of the Begining

**Disclaimer: **I do not own The Lord of the Rings. It belongs to J. R. R. Tolkien. All Author's and OCs used with permission.  
  


* * *

  
**Author's Note:**  
all right! The next chapter is the last chapter! It might be either shorter than usual, or longer than usual. Then again, it could be just as long as it normally is. Thanks everyone for sticking through! I obviously couldn't have done anything without all of you. ^_^  
  
Rock on!  
  
~Naheka  
  


* * *

  
**The File Cabinet**  
  
  
I yawned a "good morning" as I slumped down into the cushy, brown armchair, carefully setting my hot chocolate down on the glass table sitting in the middle of the circle of equally cushy pieces of furniture. The ceiling, I noticed as I looked up, was a glass dome, framed with steel wires and bars. A series of straight, gray-blue brush strokes, the sky, was stirring lazily in the atmosphere, the signal of a storm coming from the yonder point.  
  
"Brought some tea down," said Sammy. "I snagged random packets from the Cafeteria out of curiosity. Turns out I got," she fanned out the packets of beverage powders, dropping each packet down on the table one at a time, "green tea, raspberry, lavender," she held up a bright orange packet, "one called 'mystery packet'... and... coffee?"  
  
"MINE!"  
  
Nearly all twelve Authors jumped on top of the table to claim the sacred caffeine elixir. I was struggling in the back of the crowd, but Vana had managed to stick her hand in first, extracting the coffee package and raising it high in the air. Kitty jumped up and prepared to claim it, until Phantom smashed into her and Amarth swooped in for the kill (or goal; whatever). Soon, we were all crowding and bickering over the one coffee bag of power, until Miss Fiddlespork, who was apparently taking a walk with her crutches (which she had fondly entitled "Mr. Wiggles") around the North Plaza barked at us and told us to "Shut your clammy little flaps! You shouldn't be beating the living daylights out of each other! You should be in your offices writing decent fanfiction!"  
  
Then she started hobbling off, muttering to herself about how, "There used to be great fanfiction in the good ol' days... Until that whatisface -- Morondo Croon, was it?-- came along and got them fangirlies to start writing all o' that junk and kuffuffin... Come on, Mr. Wiggles, we can get away from these nasty little young Authors, eh?" By the time we had heard her asking where her dentures were, she had finally staggered out of the room and down another corridor. "Prune juice!"   
  
"...Meep..."  
  
"All right!" sighed Phantom, falling back into her chair again. "Erm, back to our original business." She leaned back into her seat. "So, we're trying to figure out..."  
  
"What happened last week?" finished Jiana, scratching her head.  
  
"I think we lost our minds temporarily," said Penelope.  
  
"My mind ran away from me a long time ago," I said in a matter-of-factly tone, taking a sip of hot chocolate with my head held high in the air. I felt the raised eyebrows aimed at me. "Well for good sakes, it's very true!"  
  
"Hey!" said Hoshiko. "I heard you pulled in quite a load of Reviews the other day with that journal account."  
  
"Apparently," I replied, "I have. I didn't really think that people would actually bother to read stuff like that."  
  
"Looking back on it," sighed Europa, "it really was quite an interesting tale.  
  
Amarth also sighed, and slowly took a gaze around the entire room. "I suppose this is where a lot of it started, eh, Naheka?"  
  
I raised an eyebrow. "How'd you know I was here the other day?" I looked down into my hot chocolate. "But I suppose this really is where everything--"  
  
"Attention all Authors of 382," echoed a voice in the intercom. "Attention all Authors of 382. We have an OC disturbing the peace --again-- in the fourth lobby left to the Cafeteria. A female, dark hair and green eyes, is tampering with the elevator buttons. Will the Author please restrain the OC before she--"  
  
I buried my head in my arms as I slumped to a side of the chair. "I'll deal with it later." My head tilted. "Next thing I know, we'll have telephones falling out of the sky and the whole blasted thing will start all over again."  
  
"The only thing that really confuses me," said Newmoon, "is... well, what happened at the end?"  
  
"Joe," said Vana.  
  
"Yeah. What's up with Joe?"   
  
"I've poked at him several times," I answered. "He said something about his special sword, but I've always stayed away from it out of respect."  
  
"We should try to persuade him," muttered Coffeegirl. "But how do you persuade a Nazgul?"  
  
"There's always the certain option," said Phantom, "of crowding him then suddenly bursting into song."  
  
"I'm for that idea!" I exclaimed.  
  
"Mm... hold that thought," grumbled Kitty. "After all, we might want to leave that to the OCs."  
  
"So if we unravel whatever's happening with Joe's sword," concluded Amarth, "we'll probably work out the rest of the ending."  
  
Everyone nodded. And then there were scrapings and tappings at the door. "Aha!" "Ssh! They'll hear us!" "Shut up! We don't want to get caught."  
  
Sammy was closest to the door, so she gave it a tug, letting loose a pile of twelve Authors that had pressed themselves upon the door, near the lock.  
  
"Have you been eavesdropping?" scolded Hoshiko.  
  
"We haven't been dropping any eaves, ma'am," whimpered an Author from the bottom of the pile. "We were just... just..."  
  
"Not finding a way to bring your Mary-Sues back to power, eh?" I asked suspiciously. Some of them nodded, others shook their heads. "My, my..."  
  
"Well," said another Sue, "we were trying---"  
  
"Try not," interrupted Phantom in a very wise tone. "Do or do not. There is no try."  
  
"You people are obsessed with quotes, aren't you?" snorted another Sue. "I bet you people challenge each other with quotes--"  
  
"War does not make one great!"   
  
There was silence.   
  
"Well, it doesn't!"  
  
"Too bad there's so many of them out there," sighed Kitty.  
  
Again, a short round of tranquility came, save the sound of the Mary-Sue Authors trying to untangle themselves from their crumpled pile. Well, now they knew how we felt all the times that every one of us has gotten tangled in a lump or chased by stuff or punted like a football or fictionally abused or... any of that other stuff that happened. But the silence was officially broken as a wild scream indicated that a Mary-Sue Author had attacked.  
  
Apparently, there was at least one Mary-Sue that didn't want to give up so easily. I found myself tugging at the heels of one that was about to bite Penelope's head off. She was cursing and shrieking incoherently about a bunch of evil things concerning last week. I didn't take too much of it into account. Luckily, Ember and Wisdom came skidding through the door, nearly crashing into the wall in the process.  
  
There was a sound of an incantation, followed by a quick flash of light. For a while, the Author remained still and stopped trying to rip Penelope's lungs out.   
  
_Bam! _  
  
Too bad it didn't last long. But Ember had her up by the collar in moments.  
  
"Authors are not meant to be threatened," he said sternly, "especially by Mary-Sues like _you_ people."  
  
The door banged open again as a figure clad in black kicked in. It would have been a really mysterious entrance if I hadn't seen the same entrance six thousand times already. Naurglahad pushed Wisdom aside and grabbed the Mary-Sue Author. "'Scuse me, elf," she said in a rough tone, like the kind a western sheriff would use to calm a frightened bar tender, "but I'm the only OC here that's permitted to whip arses."  
  
Ember's eyes narrowed. "Only you?"  
  
"Yesh," said Naurglahad. I let my head droop into my shoulders as she angled her torso and crossed her arms, "Meee!"   
  
"Knock it off, Naurglahad," I grumbled in a muffled voice.   
  
"I'm sorry," she replied in the same arrogant tone, pinning the Sue up against the wall with a muscular arm, "but I'm busy beating the living crud out of people. Please leave a message," she pulled her fist back, "after the scream."  
  
"I've got a job for you! I'll pay you!"  
  
At this, Naurglahad's ears perked and paused just before her fist met the Author's face. She dropped her, and the Author slid down the wall into a slump in the corner. "What offer do you have, child?"  
  
"I'll give you five Reviews," I said, "if you can get Joe to fess up about his sword." Naurglahad obviously looked very interested. "You can do whatever you want to him to get it out."  
  
"Except hurt him," added Vana.  
  
"Yes, expect hurting him."  
  
With a wildly malicious grin, Naurglahad shifted her weight and strolled out of the room. "Deal." She cocked her head at Ember and Wisdom. "Come on. We've got work to do."  
  
"We?" asked Ember stiffly. "I believe she asked just you to do the job."  
  
"Yes, and you people are coming with me."  
  
Without much courtesy, she flung her arms about both of their necks and dragged them out of the room and slammed the door.  
  
"...I'll bet three Reviews that she'll round up a singing, dancing troop of OCs."  
  


* * *

NOTE: Ai, I don't meant to bash Mr. Bloom call calling him "Morondo Croon". Just a funny name that Miss Fiddlespork contributed.** :)**  
  



	30. Finale

** Disclaimer: **I do not own _The Lord of the Rings_. It belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. All Authors and OCs used with permission.  
  


* * *

**Author's Note:**  
This is it! The finale! It's also the longest chapter I've got for you: including the notes at the bottom, this one is 10 pages long. 10 pages. That's twice the usual amount. But you all deserved it!   
  
Tally-ho!  
  
_~Naheka_  
  


* * *

**The File Cabinet**  
  
  
Onikunshu and Morikallo had taken amusement in challenging each other to a strongly competitive race: who can break away from the OC choir first with their mate clinging to their ankles. The elf was in the lead at the moment, staggering and struggling at a gallant pace, Ari still holding tightly onto his wrist ("Kallo? Where are we going? Stop pulling! WHERE ARE WE GOING!?!?!")  
  
However, the dragon lord was slowly inching away from the group of traveling OCs, some who were warming up (Elenmir was doing a good job; Trisha at the same), or patiently (Ted and Wisdom) grumbling (Jack and Ember) about how they were going to pull off something of a show (the Muses, running back and forth and diagonally and all) whether they'd do good (Blue) or so bad that it wasn't even funny (Naurglahad with an evil grin).  
  
"HA!" called Morikallo, trudging ahead of Oni, Ari still stubbornly in tow. "Who's less reluctant to sing now, eh? _I'M _in the lead! _I_ don't have to sing! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Onikunshu stopped and panted, putting a hand to his temple in sense of ridicule. Narcissus was worse than an iron ball and chain attached to an anchor on a ship. She had applied the same pulling force to Oni's wrist in an attempt to rejoin the herd and get the little musical over with. ("It's for Nauri, Oni! I don't want to disappoint my daughter too badly!") Finally, he stopped pulling at her to take a breath. Morikallo was still ahead, laughing maniacally. ("YOU'LL NEVER CATCH MEEE! NEVERRRRRR!!!")  
  
Okay, so the dragon lord lost the blasted race. The end. So what? The loss only makes room for revenge.  
  
"Hm," he pondered aloud in a voice loud enough for the elf to hear, "well, that only proves that my woman is much more aggressive than the elf's woman and therefore BETTER and STRONGER than the elf's woman."  
  
At those words, Morikallo stopped dead in his tracks. His limbs were stiff as he slowly turned to face Oni behind him. "You... take... that... back..."  
  
Oni stuck his tongue out at him. "Ha. My girl is better than your girl." He looked very pleased to see his opponent frustrated.  
  
"Hmph," snorted Kallo, "then if the dragon's woman is stronger than my woman, then the dragon's woman must have lots of muscle... and no brains."  
  
Flames of competition roared as both males ducked low and pushed back their shoulders, as if preparing for a personal and fatal combat. All the meanwhile, Ari looked thoughtful to realize that her Kallo would stand up for her like that. Narcissus was chuckling darkly to herself, "And it all goes according to plan. Mwahaha..."  
  
Just as the dragon and elf were about to launch at each other, a certain someone came strolling by from behind. "Now what are you silly myth creatures doing?"  
  
Naurglahad, at the front of the herd, whipped around and spotted the long-sought victim. "JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEE!!!" She bolted through the crowd and pounced on his shoulders, almost bringing him down on the ground. "Hi, Joe! Watch' doin', Joe? Do anything special, Joe?" She looked down at the shock-strucken Nazgul. A creak of metal occurred. "...Dude. Did your finger just fall off?"  
  
Putting a hand to the side of his hood, he shook his head. "I... don't... know... ow...."  
  
"Well..." Naurglahad slung an elbow on his left shoulder, leaning against him like a brick-wall. "See, we've got a problem, Joe. And all the guys here," she waved her arm before the crowd of OCs (anticipating a cue), "know that you're a good, great, wise... spectacular, kind, compassionate, superiorly... spiffingly... wonderful, talented, unique... caring--"  
  
"Will you knock it off, already?"  
  
"Sure... well, Joe, we've got a few questions for you..."  
**  
~Naheka~**  
  
"The only songs that they're going to sing," I concluded aloud, jogging after the mass exodus of OCs, "are the ones that I've heard; stuff from musicals I've heard; or whenever people are singing altogether for a story."  
  
"What's the last musical you've seen?" asked Phantom.  
  
"That's the thing... I can't remember."  
  
At least there weren't any Mary-Sue apprentices jogging with us. We had a difficult getting them to retreat back to their own offices, but Vana saved the day by shouting at them loudly enough to scare all twelve of them off.  
  
We halted abruptly. Spotting the gnarled, low, and bushy tree on my far left, I realized that this was the same place that we had been chased by the Mary-Sue in some other chapter. My eyes darted to the right, toward the forest. I had hoped that the Mary-Sues had stopped frolicking too close to the thin edge of the wood. But the OCs were standing up in a crowd, surrounding my black-hooded secretary in a huddled pack. Poor, poor Joe. Naurglahad was leaning on his shoulder, with an incredibly familiar smirk on her face. Though it was her own look, I had a feeling that someone else had worn it.  
  
Realization hit me hard.   
  
"My satanic OCs are going to sing songs from a Christian movie."  
  
Suddenly, the broke apart and started dancing around in wide steps, singing, "_What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening! What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening!_" And they kept repeating it over and over again, dancing back and forth. "_What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening! What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening!_"  
  
"What's that from?" whispered Kitty.  
  
"_Jesus Christ: Superstar_," I muttered dully. Naurglahad was prowling around in the back of the crowd, now, watching Joe like a vulture. "And Nauri gets to play Judas."  
  
But then, to our utter surprise, Joe replied in song, "_Why should you want to know? Don't you mind about the future. Don't you try to think ahead. Save tomorrow for tomorrow._" The really, really scary thing was that his voice sounded rather clear and normal, unlike his usual, deep Wraith tone. Vana looked ready to faint. "_Think about today instead. I could give you facts and figures. I could give you plans and forecasts. Even tell you where I'm going._"  
  
The OCs were silent. None of them had expected a Nazgul to reply to a sudden outbreak of song.  
  
And of all people, Oni started, "When do we!"  
  
The rest of the OCs jumped back into song, moving around again but sticking an arm out with a bent wrist and galloping around, pretending to ride on horses. "Ride to Jerusalem! When do we, ride to Jerusalem? When do we--"  
  
"STOP! STOP! STOP!" I ran in, arms flailing and screaming, "DO NOT ASSOCIATE YOUR UNHOLY DEEDS WITH BIBLICAL PLACES!"   
  
Naurglahad just stared at me. "Goodness, we _are_ a pious Catho-holic*, aren't we?"  
  
"STOPPIT!"  
  
She just snorted at me and turned to face Joe. "So," she said coolly, slowly beginning to pace around him, "you're not going to say anything special, Joe? Nothing too great about last week? No confessions? No secrets?"  
  
Joe shook his head. "Nope."  
  
"Well..." I began to notice that the OCs were backing up to form a sort of crescent-shaped crowd. "We know that you have a secret, Joe. But I suppose you believe that it's just too... spectacular for us to hear, eh?"  
  
"Maybe..."  
  
"Because it's just..." They sprang apart again! "_Spectacular! Spectacular!_"  
  
Wisdom jumped in. "_The words of the vernacular!_" It was pretty much an exact replay of what happened before the war began.  
  
"_Can't describe this great event,_" recited Ember in the same tone. "_You'll be dumb with wonderment!_"  
  
"_Rewards are fixed at ten percent!_" added Jack. "_You must agree that's excellent!_"  
  
"_And on top of your fee,_" sang Narcissus.  
  
"_You'll be involved artistically,_" sang Oni.  
  
All the OCs gathered together and put their hands on each other's shoulders. "_So exciting_," they all sang together. "_The Authors will all stomp and cheer!_" They flung their arms back, gesturing to the twelve of us. "_So delighting, it'll run for fifty years! So exciting! The Authors will all stomp and cheer! So delighting it'll run for fifty years!_"  
  
They jumped apart.  
  
"_Mary-Sues!_" sang Elenmir.   
  
"_And Dragon Lords!_" added Narcissus fondly.  
  
"_Elvish blood!_" sang Blue.  
  
"_And countless wars!_" went Trisha.  
  
"_Twelve Authors!_" exclaimed Morikallo.  
  
"_And mad OCs!"_ sang all four of Vana's muses.  
  
"_Bloody deaths!_" cried Ember.  
  
"_Fire breathers!_" shouted Ted.  
  
"_Rocks thrown at the Mary-Sues_," sang everyone in harmony. "_Intrigue, danger..._"  
  
"_And romance lives!_" proclaimed Narcissus and Ari. Oni and Kallo shook their heads.  
  
"_Eccentric fights! The creamery!_"  
  
"_And all the electricity!_" boomed Naurglahad.  
  
Again, the OCs jumped together. "_So exciting! The Authors will all stomp and cheer! So delighting, it'll run for fifty years! So exciting! The Authors will all stomp and cheer! So delighting it'll run for fifty years!_ _Spectacular Spectacular! The words of the vernacular! Can't describe this great event! You'll be dumb with wonderment!_"  
  
Then they started dancing. "_The hills are alive. With the sound of killing!_" Blue began to wonder if he should drop her and run as Naurglahad laughed maniacally in his arms. Oni's fists clenched, so he decided to drop the girl on her feet to avoid her father's wrath.  
  
Altogether, "_So exciting! The Authors will all stomp and cheer!_" They were jumping up and down on the spot like maniacs...again... "_So delighting, it'll run for fifty years! So exciting! The Authors will all stomp and cheer! So delighting it'll run for fiiiiiftyyyyy yeeeeeaaaaaars!_"   
  
No one spoke as they finished the song in a collage-like position; every OC in a dramatic pose facing the audience: ourselves and Joe.  
  
"...Lovely," grunted Joe.  
  
This time, the OCs hadn't bothered to assemble a stage of any sort. Instead, they pushed Oni up to the front, again, where he recited, "_The OCs now un-secret plan, brought nothing to the MS clan._"  
  
"_And so we had some stupid war,"_ sang Narcissus.  
  
"_That sadly lacked in bloody gore..._"  
  
"Hm," chuckled Phantom in the corner. "We're missing a Duke to sing off key for us..."  
  
"_So exciting!_" sang the OCs again, "_We'll make you scoff, we'll make you cry. So delighting---_"  
  
"And in the end, how many died?" asked several Authors.  
  
The OCs blinked. "Well," explained Wisdom, "I kinda' counted. We had forty-seven injured and twenty-one dead. Only one opponent died. The rest remained unscathed." Everyone bowed their heads.  
  
There was silence. "But who," countered Naurglahad, "who was responsible for this? This was all to who?"  
  
The OCs bent toward us in anticipation, expecting an answer from us.  
  
"To Mary-Sue," replied Newmoon.  
  
"To Mary-Sue!" I exclaimed.  
  
Phantom was the first of us to jump up and start singing, "_To Mary-Sue!_"  
  
Sammy and Hoshiko jumped up next. "_Though Mary-Sue be hardly loved_."  
  
"_And written by few of little brain,_" added Amarth.   
  
"_Though Mary-Sue still breathes alive, doom we promise to rain!_" cackled Kitty and Penelope.  
  
"_We go, we go, we go to war!_" shouted Europa.   
  
"_To hew ideas and break its pride!_" exclaimed Jiana.  
  
"_For literature itself we go to war!_" hollered Coffeegirl.  
  
"_Our hate no longer kept inside!_" cheered Vana.  
  
"_To story of fraud, with joy we trod_," we all sang together.  
  
"_Killing is fun!_" I roared.  
  
Again in harmony, "_We come! We come!  
To Mary-Sue with doom we come!  
With doom we come, with doom we come!_"  
  
And before I knew it, we were all up and jumping about, outwardly celebrating the liberation of Mary-Sue. Whatever had happened in the past week, I didn't care. Joe had saved us somehow, and the Canon bestowed grace unto us. Countless of whether such freedom and happiness was temporary or not, we were all very glad that this, this final song, was the end of the story.   
  
And for the most part of it, that's all that had really mattered.  
  
** ~*~**  
  
I pushed and heaved a brown wool sack into a safe behind Joe's desk. He tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a missing credit; a long, iridescent purple piece of metal; a single Review. "Thanks." I drew open the sack and tossed the Review on top of the pile with the rest of them. "And you're sure you've counted one hundred?"  
  
"There's more to come," said Joe, "but I've counted one-hundred Reviews, so far."  
  
Drawing the sack shut again, I slammed the safe door shut and spun the black and silver lock twice to the left, four times to the right, stop, another twelve right, nine left, and one more left before Joe told me to, "Stop playing with the dial, Naheka."  
  
I grinned, stepping aside to allow the Ringwraith to strap a heavy, steel bar around the safe door. As he adjusted the locks, I began to shut the windows and secure the Fiction Dome with a password code on the left of the white portal. Switching off all the controls on the panel, I heard the rattling of chains securing the handles on the file cabinet.  
  
Unhooking the keys from the wall beside the door, I knocked twice on the metal drawers. "G'night, guys."  
  
"Shut up," grunted someone from inside.  
  
"I love you, too, Oni," sighed Narcissus.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
Laughing to ourselves, Joe and I finally switched off the lights and left the building together, Joe with his arms crossed, I swinging the rubber-Ring key-chain on my left index finger.   
  
"So you're really not gonna' tell us anything, eh?" I asked with a kick in every step I took.  
  
"Nope," he replied shortly.  
  
"I guess I'll just keep away, but only out of respect, of course." We turned a corner in time to witness a herd of Uruk-Hai stampede by with a load of fangirls on their backs. One of them was chortling about 'potato soup' or something like that. "I will not deny that I am very curious."  
  
"Well..." Joe stopped in his tracks, taking a deep breath and shrugging his shoulders. "I'll just tell you this, then... Try to imagine... having a sort of amnesia. You almost know where you are, but there's a stronger force out there that says you're where you shouldn't be. But since you don't know too much about yourself or your past... your master gives you a job." He turned to me. "I can't remember anything from when I was alive, before my corruption. I'm actually unsure if I ever was alive." He then started walking again. "But I've got a job to do, and a master is careless of whatever happened before. It's my task. And I might find out who I used to be if I finish it up good."  
  
Looking up ahead, I saw the solitary bus stop waiting at the corner. "Aw, Joe. Don't worry." I elbowed him on his shoulder. "You'll still have friends to help you on the way. You help everyone out a lot, too." As he and I began to part at the bright yellow sign, I said, "And that's all that'll matter to me, buddy."   
  
Joe stopped and turned. "Thanks, Naheka." He began to walk away, off to another bus stop. "I'll keep that trust in mind."  
  
I waved at him as I watched his black figure finally walk over the cement pavement, off into the distance and seemingly into the sky, the darkness of night. He'd always be walking into that darkness, no matter how bright the stars or how gentle each cloud was painted into the sky. It was his condemned and secure fate to walk in shadow.   
  
Or for now, at least.  
  
**~*~**  
  
"Hey, Naheka."  
  
I scooted up on my tattered leather seat on the bus to make room for C-chan, who came trudging in with a tired grin on her face.  
  
"Hi, C-chan."  
  
I leaned against the window, looking out into the night. Tiny pinpricks, the lights of houses and cities, flickered by without a pattern. How normal. How real. How dully real.   
  
"So... whatcha' been doin'?"  
  
My legs felt sore as I kneeled on the seat to take one last glance towards Fan Fiction dot Net Head Quarters, one last time. The campus stood there in the waning moonlight, still and beautifully majestic, eluding all of the evils and happiness that lurked within, as was the cover of almost every book. I sighed, slumping back into my seat and leaning against the window again.  
  
"Mm.... Not much."  
  


* * *

  
*Catho-holic - one who is in obesssion of Catholisis--Catholisim--Cathi--ERGH! Cath-o-lo-si-cim. I think that's how ye' spell it. (walks off muttering about how she can't spell the name of her own religion)  
  


* * *

  
**FIRST AND FINAL SELF-REVIEW  
(self-critique by Naheka)**  
  
**PLOT:**  
Well, this was definitely an unusual plot; a bunch of Authors run into Mary-Sues, OCs are caught, one is corrupted, two escape and promote the war, battle ensues, one is un-corrupted, battle is lost, Authors taken, Authors tortured, OCs invade, Joe does a fancy trick, and the Canon comes to the resuce! And when I began writing this story in September '02, I hadn't quite intended on loading such drama on the whole thing.   
  
I suppose it's one that is rather unique. It was exhausting to write, but seeing how it turned it, I thought I did alright. Pretty good. Woah.   
**  
IMAGERY:  
**There were definitely times when I came to a point where I thought my writing was just not so good. When writing the first few measures of this story, I felt a strong flow running through my mind, and eventually down to my fingers (don't worry; I sewed my thumb back on just yesterday). My ideas were huge and full of detail and color and clarity. I wanted to put as much imagery of the scene as I could; over-done emphasis on the characters may acutally tilt towards a Mary-Sue diction. But sometimes, I had to concentrate on balancing the description of scene with the description of action. Often I wrote too much action and not enough scenery; thank goodness I had time to proof-read my work for a couple chapters.  
  
But overall I really enjoyed describing scenes, whether I'd be good or not. Characters I like describing throughout the story as the plot. But you'd never catch me stating character stats in an Author's Note, not even for a drama.  
  
**DICTION:**  
Every once in a while, I would look back and check to see how my vocabulary fuctions. And not meaning to flatter myself, but sometimes I would think, "Wow! I'm barely old enough to read my own fanfiction, and this is what's coming out of my head." I admit that I had impressed myself in several spots of this story. But self-admiration isn't quite something that comes easily to me, lest I'm being sarcastic around close friends. If you catch me strutting near you, then I probably consider you as a good friend.  
  
However, I also ran into points where I felt that it seemed... well, when my writing seemed rather slanted. I've added Dictionary.Com to my toolbar to get quick access to a thesaurus and dictionary; learned a lot of new words that way. There'll be more to come. (Am I the only one who thought that a Thesaurus was a dinosaur in fifth grade?)  
**  
PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR:**  
...Oh boy. Don't get me started on this bucko. I've probably made a billion of these. **:P**   
  
**OVERALL:**  
...Pretty good. Nice. Very eccentric plot. I am so tired. Whoo! But it's a good exhaustion. It was definitely worth while.  
  
**[end critique]**  
  
Signed,_  
Naheka_  
  


* * *

  
**Final Notes:**  
  
Thank you so much, everyone! You all did a great job responding to surveys and everything. Again, you've all contributed so much to the story and helped it along the whole way. Thanks for all your encouragement and everything. I apologize for late chapters and all that kuffufin'. You should all be recieving something in your inboxes sometime later. The Authors that donated Orignal Characters to this production know about it, but there's something else that I'm working on at the moment. Give me a bit of time, and I'll deliver my final farewell message to you.  
  
But of course, this is only the farewell for TFC.   
  
Sequel-ness! But don't count on it coming tomorrow morning or anything like that. I've got a lot of work to do; tweaking on websites, finishing my chronology, re-writing my chronology, remembering to breathe, and this nasty little bugger called "EXAMS". If you'd like an update on when the sequel is published (prepare to count the months) please SEND ME AN E-MAIL INDICATING SO, NOT A REVIEW.  
  
And my last request before I let you happy folks go: I'm reforming a certain Legomance that I wrote in a galaxy far, far away. I have some ideas on how to make it BETTER so that it's not so Mary-Sue-ish (all Legomances are Sue-ish; I swear, they HAVE to be). Is anyone willing to listen to my idea? Again, please send in e-mail, not a review.   
  
** THANKS EVERYONE! HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY! LOVE YOU ALL!**  
  
Truly yours,  
_Naheka and Joe the Nazgul_  
  
  
  
  
  
May 3, 2003  


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